Hi,
My dad got diagnosed with a rare form of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma last summer. After going through the emotional turmoil with Dad’s diagnosis, chemo and what 2020 threw at us - we were relieved that he was in remission in Jan 2021.
Unfortunately, his cancer came back in April and we’re going through a second lot of stronger chemo with a view for him to go through a stem cell transplant from a donor.
He is a quick tempered man and doesn’t like being challenged by family members, especially my mum - he’s been like this ever since I can remember and he has never been violent.
Today he’s suffering really badly with hay fever, which feels like a cold. He then received a call from the hospital that his chemo is being moved forward to tomorrow as the unit is fully booked on Friday - he mentioned how’s he’s feeling and the symptoms. The nurse then replied that he needed to take a Covid test before tomorrow morning as the Delta variant has similar symptoms. I luckily had a lateral flow test at home which I carried out on him where he proceeded to shout and wince - after which he apologised. The result came back negative.
Not long after this he starts having a go at my mum over something that, I feel, is not worth stressing about - for context it was about gardening. I was sat in the middle of them when this exchange happened.
The main point of this is that whenever heated exchanges happen with my dad aiming it at my mum, I feel utterly powerless in that situation. I can’t stand up to him as he will just shout and be vile towards me.
I’m due to start a new job in September after being unemployed for 8 months and I will be moving to the job. I’m worried how my mum will cope with all of this when I move away and how I can support her from a long distance.
Sorry for the long entry but I needed to get it out.
What would you do if you were me?
Thanks
Hi KittyBakes,
Thank you for reaching out here, and welcome to the forum, please forgive me if I have misinterpreted you post, but from how I have read it is seems as if you have come to terms in some way with your Dad's rare form of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, which after a brief remission between January and April has returned and he is now receiving stronger chemo, on the hope that this may lead to stem cell transplant. Although this is a worrying time, and I think that shows more so by the way your Dad has reacted with regards to the gardening comments that you mention, you are most worried for your Mum, and how she will cope when you move away for work.
Your question is, what would you do, If you were me?
Trying to put myself in your shoes (which is a little tricky as I don't want to make too many assumptions) I think that as it seems your Dad has always had a non-violent quick temper, that still frightens both you and your Mum, if I were you I would make arrangements to take your Mum shopping, and I would write Dad a heart felt letter, explaining your fears, for him, for Mum and for yourself. Explain that the reason you have written the letter is because you did not want a heated row, or things to get out of hand. That you can understand that he must be extremely scared, and at times it is only you and Mum that is around so his fears come out and seems to target them, but you want him to know how much he is loved, how you want to be there as much as possible and how, in the coming months both he and Mum may need additional support, even if that is someone coming in a doing the housework whilst Mum cares for Dad. You get idea, I don't know whether you would be able to have a face to face conversation with Dad, if Mum was to go out? But it is important that your Mum and your Dad get the support that they are entitled to so that this enables you to carry on with your work plans without too much anxiety. Maybe if you can't sit down with him in the first instance you can ask to have a gentle chat when you return home.
What I don't know Kitty is whether what I would do in your situation is something that you can do, or will work for you. I truly hope you will find the right way for you.
Visit our non-Hodgkin lymphoma forum where you may find additional support and information on the help that you can get.
different emotions are something that we all have, it is hard to imagine what others are truly feeling but this link may give you some further insight?
Take Care
Lowe'
