I've been struggling to find a way to start writing here. I feel a bit selfish for calling out for support when it's my Mum going through this. Sorry if I'm a little vague with some things it's still tricky to talk about.
She was first diagnosed with bowel cancer years ago and it's recently come back in the liver and the cancer is basically incurable. The doctors have worked amazingly to get her back onto chemo and are keeping a good eye on her - she had to go back to hospital for observation after her first chemo session this week after some bad side affects. The weekend was hard and I couldn't focus on anything but how she was and what will happen to her. She's home now and very tired tonight - I feel so anxious I keep peeking into her room every so often to make sure she's still breathing.
I had wiped most of my memory of how chemo affected her the last time, I think it all came as quite a shock this time. Last time I was in my late teens and I don't think I really processed what was happening very well - apart from the times I visited her in hospital and came to chemo with her. Now I'm older, it's more my responsibility to look after her at home and make sure she's comfortable. I'm trying my hardest to keep a strong front but I keep crying and I just feel guilty for it. The times she has caught me crying she's told me she wants me to be honest and tell her when I'm upset. I can understand this, but I just want to be strong for her so she know's I'll be ok in the future.
I'm scared of what's going to happen. I'm scared the chemo won't work this time. I keep fast forwarding and thinking of when she 'leaves' and whether I'll be with her holding her hand. I'm sselfishly scared of how I'll cope afterwards. I also keep envisioning us getting a call saying "we got your results mixed up, you're actually fine". I'm heartbroken she wont see if I get married or if I have children of my own. She's my mum and I don't want to think of my life without her.
I'm not even sure what the meaning of this post was, I'm just scared and I keep bursting into tears every now and then. I suppose my biggest problem is talking about it - I'm very self critical and feel selfish for writing or talking about how I feel when it's my mum who's going through cancer, not me. I also feel like talking about it to my friends is like unloading a burden onto them. I just feel like I want to scream into an empty field.
