Struggling with partners diagnosis - don't know how to "be"

Hi

Sorry to hear about your wife's cancer - sounds rather like you both are being really very normal. For you you might like to look at Looking after someone with cancer especially the bits about coping with being a carer and who can help me. 

You might also find some of the tips about taking on cancer as a partnership on this page helpful. 

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you Steve.

Dear ec2003,

You are being very hard on yourself. I also missed the 'Coping With Cancer' lessons at school. There is no training for this. You can only give what you've got to give. However, I think if you get the help Steve suggests, you will find you have depths of strength and wisdom, you didn't know you had.

I am trying to deal with my brother's cancer journey and what I have learnt so far is that each of in his family and friendship circle is dealing with it differently and he gets different things from each of us. I don't think there is a perfect way to be. I have found it hard to get my head around because clearly my brother is a very sick man but he has no symptoms. As recently as last week, he was out doing "little walks" of 5-6 miles with his wife. Hence, until I read information about his chemo last week (which started yesterday), I kept thinking a big mistake had been made and he would get a phone call telling him this. So I can understand you feeling emotionally blocked. It's just too much to take in. It also helps to keep us safe - if we deny it, it's not true.

I wish you all that you need for the journey ahead.

Hi ec2003

I'm sorry to hear about your wife’s battle, I know it’s hard knowing how to react to a loved ones diagnosis. If I may offer a small piece of advice, try not to worry about how to “Be” just be present for your partner. I’m sure if someone asked her how you are, she would say that you have been amazing. We tend to think we are not doing enough to help them when they might see things very differently. 

Emotions can only be blocked if you try to control them, let yourself feel your emotions cry if you need to cry, scream, shout do whatever is going to help you get through this and be the partner you so obviously want to be. Sometimes just letting her know that you love her, and are there for her is enough, and if all else fails try asking her what she need from you.

I personally found a lot of help from the Macmillan helpline freephone 08088080000, just having an impartial person to talk to helps <3

Wishing you all the strength you need today, tomorrow, and moving forward with your partners battle.

Debbie

xxx