Mum's Incurable Cancer Diagnosis- easing lockdown but realising our lives will never be 'normal'

FormerMember
FormerMember
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Hello Slight smile

My mum received an incurable stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis about 9 weeks ago now and she has started targeted therapy. Initially I had been feeling generally positive about the treatment and that mums quality of life would improve, which I think and hope in time it will.

I thought that as time went on things would get easier to cope and adjust. However, recently I have found that my anxiety has sky rocketed. I seem to find days easier when mum is feeling well but when she has her bad days it is really hard to cope.

I feel like with the easing of lockdown I am starting to realise how much our lives have changed. As everything else starts to go back to normal it seems to be exacerbating the fact that our lives as a family and for mum will never return to 'normality'. I have also started to become paranoid about if I am doing the right thing-  supporting mum and dad in the right way, feeling guilty about seeing friends, being judged for saying or doing the wrong thing. 

I know that in reality I am supporting mum in the best way I can and that no one is actually judging me but I always feel like there is more than I can do- like I am trying to fix things.

It is a really worrying and upsetting mixed bag of emotions and all you can do is take it day by day. It can be completely exhausting and some days I feel my head is jam packed full of worry about everything I do. 

If anyone is experiencing similar emotions please let me know, it would be good to hear how others are riding out these waves.

Thank you xxx

  • I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I know exactly what you are talking about. 

    I’m in a very similar position to you- my mum has been diagnosed with Myeloma which is incurable but hopefully treatable in that we maybe can get it into remission for a period of time- treatment starts next week. This has been going on since December- having various tests (they thought bone mets from a previous lung cancer at first). All the while we were getting frustrated at no treatment  happening and worsening mobility, (mum has gone from independent and driving about in October to walking with a zimmer in the house and needing a stairlift). Mum is understanably very emotionally labile. I’m trying to be strong but occasionally failing. I have one brother in the middle of chemo himself (diagnosed a week before my mum in December) and the other brother only occasionally visiting, whilst I am visiting daily- supporting her, making sure shes taking the right meds, doing shopping, chasing drs, appointments etc sorting meals aswell as working full time (I’m a nurse), thankfully my daughter helps out too. Sometimes I just feel my bucket is too full and it all comes spilling out and I’m whinging for hours. But then I wake up the next day and I feel ready to take it all in again and I’ll be ok again for a few weeks. It is a very up and down experience and when I stop to think, like you, things will never be the same again I feel the clouds start to come over me again. I’ll never be able to go shopping with her again (save pushing a wheelchair!) or have a holiday with her and the whole family again, but I have to stop and think , while I’m thinking of what I haven’t got I’m not appreciating the now. I’m trying not to think of the future- that will take care of itself, If I can just get through the day (hopefully without crying) and help mum feel more positive then thats going to be enough for me. For now at least. 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Rose.

    Sorry to read about your mum - My mum has also recently been diagnosed with Lung Cancer.  She's about to start her journey of chemo- and immuno- therapies but she's already feeling very down and I feel guilty that I'm not doing more, although at the moment support consists of 'phoning her every day and listening to her, and taking her to her hospital appointments; that is all there is to do at the moment.

    I understand your feelings, it's almost like guilt at not spending 100% of your time with her is less than enough. What I have to keep telling myself is that I also have others who depend on me and although I am the only family she has left, she has other friends (or in your case family) who can and do help. 

    Do you have someone you can talk to face-to-face about this? Although this community is very friendly and helpful, it can't beat a 'real world' conversation (in my experience).

    Stay safe.

    Seeker