Guilt

Hi

i am sorry to read about your Mum’s situation and whilst I cannot fully identify with your specific situation I would like to share a couple of observations that I hope may be helpful. 
The final section of your post is really concerning and I would urge you to try and access help for your own mental health. The GP is a good first point and can share details of services which are the most appropriate for you and there are options to relieve your distress and everyone deserves to feel better. 
Within m6 family when my father was very ill with cancer my brother was financially able to step in and provide practical assistance although my parents were financially secure and this was not such an issue.  My brother was married and my sister in law didn’t work and was able to spend time with my Mum and complete practical help while I did not live locally and worked full time. But we all offered something different and my parents appreciated the time, love and support that we all provided in different ways. There was no’ranking’ on who was able to offer what and if your sister can provide an environment that would be more comfortable than express your gratitude to your sister and encourage this as an option. You could also ask your parents and sister what help you are able to provide that would be most needed. Perhaps an idea might be to commit some time each week to spend with your Dad where you can cook and freeze meals for him for the next week and also exploring attendance allowance to enable him to have some practical help at home which he may be entitled to.  Having something to offer during this awful time is not necessarily‘measurable’ but most definitely has a value. 
but you will need to help yourself in order to help others 

I wish you luck and hope you take the time to get support to help you resolve some actually complex but not unusual family dynamics

Hi LinziR thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I did contact my GP several weeks ago to ask for help and all I was offered was a 2 week sick line which as I had already explained the only time I can focus on something other than Mum is when am at work was not what was best for me. I did ask about medication but she was unwilling to agree to that for me so have been trying to cope as best I can. I may try again and see if I can get a different GP.  Things have progressed in the last 24 hours and Mum is moving in to my sisters tomorrow. I’ve spoken to my sister and told her how proud and grateful I am that she can step up. She’s more than happy to do so. My parents are upbeat about the move and dad is going to stay at home so I’ve said I will check on him during week and can take him through to visit. It’s not eased my guilt but it’s all I can do to help at the moment. Again thank you so much for taking the time to reply. This group is my life line at the moment. X

Hi CazMc - sorry to read about your mum, perhaps it might help to lift some of the level of guilt if you looked through Looking after someone with cancer and see you are just a very normal person try to cope in really extra ordinary circumstances. 

My mum and dad made for some interesting times, first mum was ill and had carers in then they both ended up sleeping in the dining room with carers coming in every day. Later they moved to an assisted liivng property but then my dad got really ill too and so my sisters brought them closer to where they lived. Dad got worse and eventually had to move to secure care.

A really treasured memory to be is the day I spent looking after them so my sisters could both take a break.

My crisis came with my wife getting cancer - I can relate to what you say about work though - an escape in to a world where things are normal and we get on with 'real life'. Then something fairly minor went wrong at work and things rapidly escalated and I got sent home sick. Like you I thought of something to help me cope - and my GP prescribed eco-therapy - sorry what? Go for a walk he said.

It is amazing how much help a quiet walk especially in a park or somewhere like that can be. When we stop to listen to birds or watch the river and just relax.

My real help though was a living with less stress course - the mindfulness exercises - living in the moment helped me realise I was thinking of the future all the time and thinking how will I cope when and that robbed me of the appreciation of today. The breathing exercises were great for the times when life just decides to throw us a totally unexpected curveball. Transcendental meditation though just made me laugh.

The one thing that can wind my wife up is when someone says something like "you're so brave" - on a good day she might reply politely - when was I given a choice.

I hope you and your dad can work out the best way of working together because that will be a real comfort to your mum I am sure.

<<hugs>>

Steve 

Hi

I've suffered with anxiety for various reasons for a good many years now and know how hard it can be to get the help you need, especially through your GP.  I've found things work differently in every part of the country but where I live now you can actually access the same mental health service that the doctors refer you to yourself, you don't have to go through the GP. Could be worth looking into. Otherwise Mind might be able to offer you some support, I went on a stress management course with them which on the face of it didn't really sound relevant to my situation but actually it was really good. It covered all sorts of things that could be applied to loads of different situations, from ways to generally look after after your mental health like healthy eating, excercise and sleep hygiene, meditation and elements of CBT which help to change your thought processes. Hope that helps! xx

Hi,

My Mum was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the lung with brain metastases in February. She lives with my stepdad, but we're very close. You say ur Mum is struggling with mobility/stairs etc. Sorry if this is a very personal question, but do ur parents own their own house? I ask because my mum's gp referred her to the local community palliative care team, & they've been absolutely Amazing! As they own their home, they have been able to hire a stair lift (which was fitted within 3days from their request)as well as numerous other things being provided to make things a Lot easier for them Both (raised toilet seats/grab rails to help her pull up from the toilet etc.) You could contact your Mum's Gp & ask them to refer her to your local community palliative care team, or even ask the Gp to do a home visit, so they can see Exactly what the obstacles are for your parents,& maybe get the occupational therapists to visit & see what aids they can put in place for them? There is also the option of a care team coming in & providing personal care & support for your Mum, to help take some of the pressure off of your Dad, ur sister, & yourself. 

Xxxxxx

Hi ther CazMc,

I suspect there is some history to your feelings of guilt. However, staying with your questions: it sounds to me that you are giving and offering a lot. It reminds me of the story of the widow's mite in the bible - it's not about the extent of what we give it's about what that is in relation to what we've got to give. In giving her mite, the widow gave her all. I would suggest that you stop comparing what your sister is giving and what you are giving. You can only give what you've got to give. It's not a competition. I would suggest that you continue what you are doing in the knowledge that it is your best. You are already struggling and if you go under, this won't help anyone.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. You are worth more than this.

Big hugs.

Hi CazMc,

I totally get where you are coming from, my mum was diagnosed with multiple myeloma a few weeks ago which has devastated the whole family. My brother and his girlfriend live 10 mins away from my parents and are there everyday doing things to help my parents. Sorting out medication going to the specialist with her etc etc. I live 300 miles away and suffer with my mental and physical health. 

I feel so guilty that I can only offer support on the phone, to the point that I’m driving my mum crazy calling her a few times a day lol. I am devastated that I might have to live in a world without my mum, and due to my disabilities and Covid-19, I am unable to go to her and just give her a hug. 

I found some strength after speaking to a Macmillan support worker, she gave me information on practical things I was able to put in place from here; to help my mum at home. Like arranging an Occupational Therapist to visit and assess my mums needs, organising a blue badge so that it’s easier for my dad when taking mum for treatment or just out for a drive. Also arranging for someone to help fill out the forms for attendance allowance to help them both financially. This gave me a sense of purpose and a role in helping mum in the only way I could.

The support line has offered me any help with my feelings or questions I might have and I know that just talking to someone whose not involved has helped me no end. So maybe talking might help you deal with your guilt too? If you decide you want to talk (and trust me talking helps) their free phone number is 08088080000.

Sometimes it’s good to know you are not alone, thinking of you and wishing you all the strength you need today tomorrow and moving forward.

Debbie

xxx