Hi,
my mum got diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2018, had surgery and removed the cancer. A year later it had come back into her lymph nodes and started maintenance immunotherapy which had been keeping the cancer at bay. Last week we found out it had spread to her pelvis area.
She was told by her oncologist there is options of radiotherapy and she can been seen down in London for clinical trials. She feels well, she’s only 59 and is a very positive person. We know it’s incurable and she’s holding onto the hope they are giving her options and not saying ‘there is nothing else we can do’.
On the other hand I am emotional wreck, ever since last week I have not stopped thinking the worse and picturing life without her/even picturing her funeral. I keep imagining my life without her and in my head feeling as she only has weeks/months left when she has reassured me her oncologist is very straight talking and would of told her if this was the matter and also wouldn’t send her for clinical trials (which is at least 2 1/2 hours drive from her).
it is like I’m already grieving her loss when she’s here and living and she feels well. I am also a haematology specialist nurse and have also worked with oncology but when it is your family member it feels so different.
I worry for the future and I’m getting married in September and couldn’t imagine it without her. I keep having moments where I just cry and cannot stop. I have a very good family support and friends around me but also feel so alone.
I’m normally a very positive person but I cannot get myself away from these awful feelings and thoughts. Does anyone feel similar or have any ideas on how to help myself?
Sophie x
Hi Sophie,
Just about everyone on here will recognize just where you are - especially any medics when cancer decides to visit their family - so common we refer to is a pre-grief, the grief for that life together we feel that we have lost.
What worked for me was a course on living with less stress. It taught me the importance of appreciating what I had and living in the here and now - I can really relate to Captain Tom Moores autobiography - Tomorrow will be a good day. It also taught me breathing exercises that were good at dealing with the unexpected life just loves to throw at us but are also useful for just general relaxation. Transcendental meditation though did not really do it for me.
Friends and family look at me now and say "how do you cope" - when was I given the choice. Some say "you are an inspiration" and I found that quite hard to accept, I have just been shaped by events.
We also got married in September - September 11th 1993, her father died after a long illness in May the same year. One thing I think for sure your mum will be at your wedding - either in body or in spirit because your love of her will never die.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hi Lizzie,
sorry to hear about your mum. I work in haematology so I know about myeloma!
but I totally understand how you’re feeling and have imagined the exact same things. but
now a few weeks have past I’ve felt a lot more better and not thought all the dark thoughts 24 hours a day and hopefully that will happen for you.
and likewise, if you need to talk Lizzie I’m here 
Sophie x
