Dad has been told yesterday he has psephological cancer.
PET scan soon - but we do t have a date for it yet. No idea on the amount of spread but he’s had heartburn for ages and smokes so whilst I’m trying to take one day at a time, and not pessimistically throw time away, realistically I fear it may be poor, the blockage in his gullet was so bad the camera couldn’t get past.
I live the other end of the country, and whilst I’m lucky enough to afford the travel, I also have to work and dogs will need to be kennelled and that’s before all the covid issues and whatever the legalities are there.
dad divorced mum about 12 years ago it was messy and horrible and split the family down the middle it left me and dad on one side and my mum and brother in the other
I refused to take sides - I was mid thirties then and whilst for a while mum hated me for it, she’s got to grips with it and we’re ok now
my brother is different he hasn’t spoke to my dad since the divorce since then my brother has had open heart surgery, got married, had a daughter who will now be two dads been excluded from it all, I only know because mum told me
dad found a new partner. She’s fine about me but has always been highly strung and doesn’t like being without dad. A couple of years ago I suggested a weekend away for dad and I - dad was really up for it but then could t because his partner wouldn’t cope without him gone. I’ve never really enquired much about what is wrong and exactly why she couldn’t cope - I assume anxiety.
shes generally ok with me but when I visit she will always ask - in front of dad - about my brother even though I say I don’t know. I’ve not let on about the surgery or the child. It’s awkward.
dads partner doesn’t have any children. She’s very close to her family and dad likes them a lot, but she will regularly arrange for trips for both her and dad to see them but trips to come see me and my partner don’t happen.
so here we are now, dad has told me that he has no intention of making contact with my brother which I respect but my heart breaks for the little girl who will - some years from now - go and do her family tree and will never have met her grandad - a flawed difficult man who has lived a hard life but done his best and who would have loved her to bits. Even though she’d never be able to remember.
dad also doesn’t want mum to know. I’m fine with that too but it cuts off an support route for me. Well I say that, mum would actually be pleased I think - her hatred for my dad is stronger than ever as she’s gets older.
I can accept that dad might not have much time. What I’m having trouble with is that I fear I’m not going to get very much of that time at all. I know that dads relationship with his partner is the biggest relationship in his life but I guess I’m feeling massively excluded from this journey already. It’s not about me - but I’m scared it’s going to end without me being part of his life at this last point.
dad and his partner have decided to get married. Apparently you will soon be able to do this again but only six people, including the couple and minister, so they’ve decided that just the two of them will do it so no one gets offended. And I kinda want to scream “but there’s enough room for me, I’m the only blood relative left!” But the partners family is huge and I guess it’s easier to say no one than explain why I’m there and someone else isn’t.
I sound selfish. I’m glad they have each other. I’m just scared that I’m going to be excluded. It’s not a conversation I can have with dad and it’s certainly not a conversation I can have with his partner - how do I say to her “give me time with my dad” when that is time she loses?
I know there not an answer but I just needed somewhere to vent.
Hi
Welcome to the community though so sorry to hear about everything you have been going through.
Crazy family dynamics is just so normal and venting it can be very helpful - perhaps the most significant thing I can say is just offer you the biggest virtual hug in the world. Often we hear people say a troubled shared is a troubled halved and perhaps venting is a way of achieving that.
I was rather close to my brothers family, his wife has a daughter before they met and then they had another daughter together but after a number of years they divorced. His step-daughter was really close to my brother while their daughter kept much closer to mum. We have a great-niece who I met for the first time at his ex-wife's funeral.
Add covid in to the mix when the whole world appears to have gone mad - it is probably worthy of a horror movie - nobody would produce it though because it is just too sad.
One possibility for you might be to talk to a total stranger about how you feel - I know how much it worked for me and in some ways that might be what we are doing through the realm of type.
There is perhaps a famous quote by Nicky Gumbel "You can't change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it."
<<hugs>>
Steve
