Mum with terminal cancer

Hi Mary2101

It's so very difficult isn't it! When we think about losing anyone, no matter whether it is through age, or illness our minds race and we find it so hard to conceive a picture of our lives after they are gone. 

I think you have been very thoughtful placing your degree on hold, spending as much time as you can with your best friend, your Mum, knowing that her time with you was precious, special and a way of making memories for your future, when you will finish your degree and life will be different but it will go on. But all of us need a break, we all need some Me time, even at the toughest of times, and this is not something that should cause guilt, it should be recognised as allowing a moment to tip the jug (which is you) that is full of emotion, full of fear, frustration and sadness, to tip, to release, to find a quite corner, to overflow, to relax, to rebuild and to go back ready to be filled again by all that is going on around you, where all your fears come and meet you and where you fight them everyday. (well this is what I feel, for me, and for all, and I hope you can see why there is a need for the Me time)

With regards to the beautiful departure that your Mum deserves, I think it is a little unknown, as with the Covid situation slowly lifting some restrictions may change, but if they don't, there are some things that can be considered. When my husband was first diagnosed last year, we went looking at where he might be laid to rest, different places, then we discussed how many people will attend and how to involve all the people who would want to.... We discussed a skype funeral, we discussed having a very small family funeral and then a memorial event once the world re-opened and people could attend. We have discussed many ways, and although the conversation is tough and none of the options are good enough, in reality it is the losing of the loved one that is the toughest thing of all.

I do not know that any of my words will ease any of your feeling, but I wanted you to know, Yes, someone is reading this.

Take care of you

Lowe'

Hey Mary2101, I am in a very similar situation to you. My mum has terminal bowel cancer too, she was diagnosed a year ago but in the past couple of months she has started to deteriorate and is now on palliative drugs and with a hospice team because she is too weak to have chemo anymore. Nothing is the same now. I feel like I am already grieving and being stuck at home, not being able to go to a friend's house to just cry is really unbearable. Because of COVID I feel like I have no privacy or safe space for my feelings because my mum is too weak to cope with how stressed and upset I am whilst she is processing everything and is very depressed and withdrawn about how the end of her life is looking. My dad is seriously struggling as well and I don't think he can cope with how I am feeling on top of trying to accept the reality of the situation, he seems unwell with stress. I am having counselling but it is over Zoom and I would hate for my parents to overhear anything or even know I am having it- I know they would be relieved that I am getting support but I am just too embarassed to be open about how! I am 19 and also at uni, in my second year. I don't know whether to suspend or not because uni has become a really big support for me, with my friends and it will be somewhere to go when it all gets too much at home and I also access counselling through them. But I also want to do the same as you and spend as much time as I possibly can with my mum before her time comes which I imagine is quite soon. My dad works from home now as well because fo COVID so most of my time at home is spent helping look after my mum and keep the house in order, so me being away at uni will make things so much harder for them both. I completely understand the fear about the funeral- I am so worried and feel so sad that at this time my mum can't have all her friends at her side and I am worried that with restrictions her funeral will not be as it normally would. My mum's funeral should be massive because she is so well and widely loved!! It feels so unbearably unfair. Although I am so so sorry to hear the pain you are in, it is a huge comfort to read that there is someone my age in the country, in a very similar situation feeling very similar things to me. Reading your post has made me feel far less alone in this. Sending you a massive hug xxx

Hi Lowedal

I think you’ve explained it perfectly honestly! I’ve definitely found myself needing a lot of time to process and just think recently while also finding it difficult to complete anything through the day. Sometimes I feel guilty for it but I also think it wouldn’t do me me any good to push myself too much, it would only make me feel more drained. It’s been nice spending more time with my mum even though she is slowly becoming more confused and absent. I’ve enjoyed knowing I can see her whenever I want without feeling guilty about missing out on work that’s for sure. However, it is also helpful to have time to myself I guess where I can just relax rather than forcing myself to be productive as this does not seem like the time to be productive. 
Yes those conversations are definitely difficult and painful at the moment but I guess we can only hope things will improve in the world even if they don’t for our loved ones. 
thank you for your kind, kind words.

Hiya 

I can’t explain how comforted and relieved I am to read your reply honestly. As horrible as both of our situations are, it does make it easier knowing you’re not the only one having to go through it I think. Recently I’ve just felt very isolated and lonely, despite the supportive texts and socially distanced walks with my friends, as it’s just felt like no one can understand the situation I am in. I am too so comforted to know someone is experiencing a very similar thing (almost freaky how similar our situations are!)

I think our mums must also be at similar stages of their care, my mum is living at home still but has had to go to hospital tonight which has been scary. The thought of having to go through this whole process without being able to hug anyone other than my parents is terrifying to me. I feel the same with the lack of a safe space as I don’t want to upset my mum but feel I have burdened my dad enough with my feelings in a way. I hope your counselling is helping! I’ve been having a zoom and a phone call version but it all feels very detached so I never fully open up. The only person I talk to truthfully about my feelings is my boyfriend but I haven’t been able to go near him for over 3 months now.

I have found stopping my degree has been really helpful but obviously it’s a very individual thing isn’t it! I like that I can have my own time but sometimes I do miss the distraction from everything, my degree was just very intense so I could never have a happy balance of self care and work. I’m happy to try and talk through it with you as well if you want help making a decision aha :) 

I just want to say again thank you so much for the reply, I am sending lots of love and hugs xxxxx

Hello all reading,

I'm sorry you are all suffering and sending strength to you all. it is comforting to share with others who are experiencing the pain of their mum terminally ill. I think it is different (not saying better or worse with other relatives) as it's your mum, right? She is the one to protect normally and someone to go to in a crisis. But she is in her own crisis. I don't know how your mum's are but mine tries to be strong for me. But I can see her getting weaker. I also have the feeling of being overwhelmingly alone, even though I'm not as have good friends and a boyfriend. I think this must be part of the fear of losing mum and the fear is on a massive level of how my place will change in the world - very deep I know but some of you may understand that sense of time changing and re-organising of family. I worry about not having her support in my life and help with decisions or when I'm ill. But I also then stop these thoughts and try to focus on the day-to-day as she is still here. Until she isn't then we need to enjoy small things like a sunny day, or sharing a hot chocolate together. 

I think with the university side of things having deadline extensions could work but agree the social side important. I work full-time and trying to keep up work as I can but being very gentle on myself and having a lie down if I need to rest. I'm finding myself very tired and think it is all the emotions? Not sure how others have felt? Then you feel guilty for feeling that as you want to be there for mum. There are also some family issues that have arisen so I may seek counselling for these as don't want to discuss to much on here. But agree counselling helps to share all the worries as they're are a lot. When people ask how ru? I struggle to say really as I'm supressing a lot of feelings.

This has been great to open up. Thanks for listening. J x

Hello,

I just wanted to say hello, and send some support.

I lost my dad to cancer 15 years ago, when I was 20, albeit that they didn't know he had cancer until after he had died. I do feel your pain, and it is incredibly hard. I think I just wanted to say that you will get through it. There are of course incredibly dark and difficult days. But be gentle with yourselves, don't expect too much. Don't feel guilty for taking time out. I went back to uni the week after my dad's funeral, as it was the right thing for me. I think that's key, doing whatever is right for you.

I am now facing losing my mum too, as she is terminally ill with cancer. Covid does make it so hard doesn't it. I think looking after yourself as best as you can matters so much, that will help you give the love support to your mums.

My dad's funeral was a big celebration of his life, and it is an incredibly hard thought not being able to do that for my mum. But, we've agreed that whenever the restrictions allow, we will have a big memorial service, with singing, and all her family and friends.

Take care everyone ️