Supporting everyone- and myself.

Hello Loukayx,

I have long believed that it is the close family and friends that find it difficult to cope with someone else's cancer experience, and your discussion, clearly shows your own anguish and distress. However, there are some things that are just as clear: You seem to be a very a very caring person, and you know the value of being part of a strong loving family, hopefully this applies to the rest of your family. I also think that you are imaginative, constantly trying to find new ways to support and encourage your MIL. However, it is often difficult to maintain these positive traits when you are subjected to a great deal of criticism and ingratitude. It also makes it harder for you to acknowledge, remember and hang on to your own strengths and achievements.

I believe that our reactions are partly based upon our rational mind and partly based on our emotional mind. Our rational mind provides the logic and reasons for saying and doing what we think is the right thing at that time. Our emotional mind tells us how we feel about a  situation. I wonder how you and your partner would describe your MILs personality, perhaps she has been a strong independent character for most of her life, and although her earlier decision to accept a hospice as the right solution, has now changed is it likely that the earlier decision was accepted by her rational mind? Perhaps now, she is being guided by her emotional mind, and because of her character, doesn't like being told what to do, and doesn't look forward to losing her independence. Could it be that she now feels that going into a hospice is a sign that she is 'giving up'? If this is a likely reason, how might you persuade her to take a different view? If not a hospice, is respite care an option? You may find it useful to look online at the Marie Curie website, https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/publications, where a range of publications are available to download. Just be aware that online searches can result in some less than helpful resources, but Marie Curie is a well respected organisation, and is likely to provide reliable advice.

You have many good personal attributes, please try your hardest to hang on to them, as much for your own sake as for that of your nearest and dearest.

Your family should be proud of you, and you should be proud of what you are trying to do. Well done.

Thank you so much for your reply.

I took control of this situation this morning (risked getting into trouble off the MIL) but she was in a lot of pain and still refusing help. I felt bad but made the decision the nurses needed to be contacted with or without her permission. 

They came in and were fantastic. They explained every thing to her about pain management and I stepped in where needed, as she wasn't being fully truthful about the extent of her pain. However, as much as she was giving me daggers at the time, it paid off as there is a lot more they can do and are going to do to manage her pain. He explained to her what I had said, she will lose more independence by not taking the pain relief as she is then needing more help and suffering. He used to some fantastic examples to explain to her and to me how to change the way we used the meds to make them work better. 

Although she wasn't my friend at the time, after he left she was much happier and she accepted asking for pain relief was sensible and it means we can then make more memories as she will feel more up to doing things.

I felt awful for going behind her back but it was a decision I felt was necessary and I'm glad i went with my gut instinct because it has paid off.

Thank you for the link, I am going to look into other options so we can discuss it properly when she is up to it. If i can research and gain as much knowledge and understanding as I can, then I can pass my positivity across to help her make the right choice for her.

I really appreciate your reply. Thank you.