Fathers terminal diagnosis

FormerMember over 5 years ago

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My elderly father, who lives abroad, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s two years ago and whilst attending hospital for his medication check, they found two brain tumours, cancer in both lungs and kidneys as well as some bones.
My mother emails daily and I am trying to support and make suggestions that could help. She only has help that we can pay for privately as the country he lives in doesn’t have any offer.
I can’t believe the decline in his health over the last ten weeks. He is becoming increasingly aggressive and confused, not recognising where he is, constantly asking to go home. He is referring to more than 40 yrs ago.
His treatment is pain management as he is to frail to tolerate anything else. He is drowsy and sleep is sporadic.
I have been coping with this for the last ten weeks but now realise I am not coping. I always thought I would be able to get to him come his time, but am scared I won’t get to him as lockdowns mean I can’t get to him.
I can’t get conversations with his doctors as they don’t speak English and I don’t want to send difficult questions to mum. I don’t know how long he has and I don’t have any friends or family who have been affected by cancer, which I know I should be grateful for that.
How do I stop feeling so completely useless?

FormerMember over 5 years ago

Hi , I’m sorry to hear about your Dad, it struck a cord with me as my father had Parkinson’s, it brought back memories of me visiting him in hospital the day before he passed away, and returning the next day with my Mum when he had already gone.

I can understand how after 10 weeks of coping you now feel that your not, as I feel with the people I know who have passed away that the grieving process can start before their death. It sounds like although you say you are feeling completely useless that you know that you can’t get to him. It seems like you might be stuck in that emotion of wanting so much to be there, I’m wondering if you still feel it’s possible, and haven’t made plans, or if you know it isn’t possible but haven’t forgiven yourself or reconciled that fact. Who is it that you think would blame you for not being there or what is it that you want to do and is there another way of achieving that.

I am in my 60’s, I have lost my Dad and Mom, my in laws, all my Aunts and Uncles, and a few cousins, all of which lived a distance away, some to cancer and some not. I don’t remember feeling the way you feel now, I might have but if I have that feeling must have gone with forgiveness, and as I’m the cancer patient now and one of my daughters lives in Japan, I hope she won’t feel the same as you do at any stage. When my Mum passed away I felt awful partly exhausted from travelling long distances and partly because of the many emotions that I was going through and partly in hindsight because a few months later I was diagnosed with cancer, so I would urge anyone to get help when they are feeling overwhelmed.

It may help to talk to someone feeling the same emotions as yourself and I have noticed that Mitramonday is feeling the same way in her post on here. I also thought that the supporting someone with incurable cancer group may help her. I will put the link below I think it must help to talk things through, I’m wondering if you have used the Macmillan Support line 0800 808 0000 which is open 8am to 8pm.

Take care

[edited as I forgot the link]

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/supporting_someone_with_incurable_cancer/discussions

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/emotional-support-for-family-and-friends

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Fathers terminal diagnosis