Journeying as a Passenger

Hi  and welcome to the online community

I'm sorry to read that your daughter has cancer and it's natural that you want to do all you can to help.

You might find this information from Macmillan about what you can do to help useful along with this information which covers all sorts of topics when someone you know has cancer. For example you could offer to look after the children when she's feeling tired or needs to go to an appointment or just be a listening ear if she needs to confide in somebody about how the diagnosis is affecting her.

When you have a minute it would be really useful if could pop something about your daughter's journey so far into your profile as it helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar diagnosis. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Edit Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.

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My 37-year-old daughter has cancer. She is married with two young children. There is also my wife, 2 sisters with kids. That is a lot of people who can help but also who need help, not forgetting wider family and friends.

Cancer has not been a big thing in my family - my mother apart, but that was many years ago and she got it at an old age, and there is something emotionally different about someone young with cancer. So far cancer has happened to others. We have suffered health issues: My wife has MS. A daughter has Colitis/IBS. This daughter has IBS. 

As a parent I want to make it all go away. I can't, therefore, I want to make the journey as easy as possible by helping my daughter, her immediate family, and the rest of my family. That is a problem as I am used to being in charge, and solve problems, but I am going to have to understand I cannot beat cancer. I can just try helping with the consequences it causes for those in the family it touches. And give distance when needed.

I will have to balance this with work. For my daughter this has been a very mixed last year. Got a masters, got a teaching position, learnt to drive, then all change. 

In case this resonates with those that have gone through the same [I may ask for help] and for those going through it now or may do in the future [I may be able to help].

I find things like blogs and groups as good therapy for my problems. Better than drink.

Her primary cancer is bowel. The operation removed part of her bowl [put in a stoma bag], her appendix, an ovary and she went through a full hysterectomy. That seems to have gone well, though as with cancer only time will tell. 

Her secondary cancer is liver and lung. That will be treated with Chemo in 6 weeks. This can't be earlier as the operation needs to heal. A long 6 weeks thinking it must be just getting worse. We do not know how bad the secondary is. 

Hi, thank you for your helpful post. I have now updated my profile to show some background and the journey similar to yours. 

My journey has got worse: 

February 2020: My daughter was recovering well from the operation. Hope was coming back. However, a further scan showed the secondary cancer in the liver and lungs is very aggressive and inoperable. It is diagnosed as "Life Limiting" as the modern day phrase goes. So chemo is planned to see what/if it can help. No timeframe has been given. I understand this but somehow not knowing adds to the pain and makes planning difficult. 

Hi

I'm so sorry to read that your daughter's secondary cancer has turned out to be very aggressive. I can't begin to imagine how you must all feel.

Many cancers are incurable but are still treatable, ie whilst your daughter may not be able to be cured treatment can be given to keep the cancer stable. 

It is very difficult for doctors to predict a time frame as they can only go on averages and everyone's cancer is unique to them. Just try to take it one day at a time and enjoy the time with your daughter and her family.

You might find it helpful to join the supporting someone with incurable cancer group. It's a similar to this group in that it's a safe place to share your worries and discuss your emotions. If you'd like to join then clicking on the link I've created will take you straight there.

Don't forget that if you ever want to chat about how you feel then you can give the Macmillan Support Line a call on 0808 808 0000. It's free to call and they're available every day from 8am to 8pm.

Sending a supportive ((hug))