My partner's diagnosis

Hi 

I'm sorry to read that you're still feeling excluded by your partner. I haven't been in this position, as it was me that had cancer, but I noticed that your post hadn't had any replies. 

It could be that no one else has had this experience or, more likely, that they haven't read your post or felt able to reply. By replying to you will bump it back to the top of the page where it might be seen by someone who feels able to respond. I'm also tagging my fellow Community Champions src60 and  into my reply as they look after this group and may be able to suggest some things to help you.

In the meantime, you might find this information about how to help someone with cancer useful.

x

Hi

Thank you for your response and I hope you are well now. It's much appreciated to bump me back to the top of the page :) thought maybe the post hadn't gone through.

If anyone else sees this:

His treatment seemed to go ok yesterday. I spoke to him last night but he didn't want to discuss any of it. I was meant to see him today but he messaged that he wasn't feeling good and was really tired. This is obviously to be expected but it upsets me that he can't be 'unwell' in front of me.

He says he wants to be left alone but keeps getting texts/calls from everyone. I said that's because you have a lot of people around you who love and care for you. His response was 'well it doesn't feel like it'. Why would this make him feel this way? 

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting no support from his family anymore either. Should I just stop contact and wait for him to contact me? Or is that just going to make him think I don't care.

I called the helpline a few weeks ago and they couldn't help. They told me it's him going through it so I need to respect his wishes but they couldn't give any advice in case it's wrong and makes things worse.

Thanks 

Hi

Thank you for your response and I hope you are well now. It's much appreciated to bump me back to the top of the page :) thought maybe the post hadn't gone through.

If anyone else sees this:

His treatment seemed to go ok yesterday. I spoke to him last night but he didn't want to discuss any of it. I was meant to see him today but he messaged that he wasn't feeling good and was really tired. This is obviously to be expected but it upsets me that he can't be 'unwell' in front of me.

He says he wants to be left alone but keeps getting texts/calls from everyone. I said that's because you have a lot of people around you who love and care for you. His response was 'well it doesn't feel like it'. Why would this make him feel this way? 

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting no support from his family anymore either. Should I just stop contact and wait for him to contact me? Or is that just going to make him think I don't care.

I called the helpline a few weeks ago and they couldn't help. They told me it's him going through it so I need to respect his wishes but they couldn't give any advice in case it's wrong and makes things worse.

Thanks 

It must be very hard that you're not getting any support from your partner's family .

Have you had a chance to look through the information I linked you to? I'm hoping that it might give you an insight into how your partner might be feeling especially the section on what your relative or friend might be feeling.

You could also perhaps look for support groups near where you live that you and your partner could attend to help you both cope. Clicking on this link will take you to 'In Your Area' where you can find what support groups might be available.

I hope you both can find a way to deal with this.

x

Hi latchbrook

Yes I've had a look thank you. He's mentioned being scared and not knowing what he wants and losing his hair. So I guess in ways he has communicated at times but then he'll completely shut down and the barrier comes back.

But the other section about helping him I think I've already tried. I've offered lifts to his appointments, having a chat, going out/staying in, doing the shopping and cleaning but it's always a maybe which usually turns out to be a no.

I will have a look for the support groups so thank you for that link. It will most likely to be just for me to begin with because today he's told me he just wants everyone to leave him alone and doesn't need any help. I don't think until he accepts he needs support/help, he won't speak about his feelings.

Thanks x

Hello and welcome to the community, although I'm sorry for the reason you find yourself here. You are going through such a difficult time having a loved one going through the diagnosis of cancer and the treatment that comes with it. But you are being so strong. That is proven with how you still continue to try to be there for your partner, when most of the time he shuts you out. 

My mum got diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer last November, and although it came as a huge shock and broke our hearts, after the first couple of days of crying and getting over the initial shock, we came together and readied mum for the fight she was about to be having. 

I can promise you with 100% certainty that your partner's behaviour is not your fault, and is not down to anything you are doing. I think maybe the fact he got over cancer once, having got the all clear, for it to then return even stronger and needing more treatment may be what he is struggling with a lot too. But that also means that that's something you're struggling with too. I know its him going through the journey and the treatment, side effects etc. But so are you. You might not be the one having sickness because of chemo, or the one who has cancer, but you're the one who has the massive amount of worry to carry around because someone you love is having all of those things. Like you already said, you have tried to offer car rides to the hospital, to help in any way you can. But if right now he doesnt feel like taking your help, then just try to be patient. Dont ignore him or not message to check up on him, but maybe wait a while for him to start opening up to you more, as he already has started to do, and then try again to offer support with chemo appointments etc. You may find that after having had the time alone, and the time to open up to you more, that he actually takes you up on those offers and wants you to be there. 

If not, I know it's hard, but try not to worry. It may be his way of coping with things, and although you care and want to be there very much, as long as he is coping, then that's all that matters. Just try to take some time for yourself too. You have to process his diagnosis the same, and have to try to deal with your own feelings head on too, so maybe try writing down your feelings, or speaking to your own friends and family. If you dont feel comfortable doing these things, then you'll always have us to do that with. Also, if the opportunity arises, maybe express to your partner how you are feeling. He may not even know the way hes been towards you, as he has a lot to worry and think about. So just sitting down and speaking with him, telling him how you feel and how you would like to help him maybe a good thing for both of you. He may be pushing you away so that you dont get hurt seeing him going through treatment, and how you would feel seeing him so poorly. But maybe a conversation about all of this would help you both so you know how each other is feeling. 

Either way, you are being a superstar, and the way you are trying to be there for him while dealing with your feelings is not easy. So dont question that this is anything you've done, you're being a rock. As time goes on, you both will start getting your head around this second diagnosis, and I hope that will help you both. You know where I am, and where we all are though for any time that you want to talk, or scream and shout about anything. We are here. 

Lots of love and hugs to you, and lots of healing to your partner. 

Alex xxxx

Hi LexiT7

Thank you so much for your lovely message. I'm sorry to hear your going through this with your mum too. I really hope treatment is going well for her.

I really don't feel strong at the moment. Since he's pushed me away I've just been so emotional. Before he did that we just carried on as normal as that was what he wanted. Now I'm not sleeping/eating properly or wanting to do things because my mind is constantly thinking how he is because he wont let me be there with him. It's so hard.

I worry he isn't coping. Last night he told me he wants to be left alone because people keep messaging or phoning him. I told him that's because people love and care for you but his reply was 'it doesn't feel like it'. This can't be good that he feels like this? And last week he was meant to be out with his friends over 3 evenings but he admitted he just said that so he could be alone as I wouldn't be able to see him if he's out. I said if you want to be alone in the evenings that's ok but you have to be honest. You can't lie where you're going because if I think he's ok and enjoying time out, then I'm going to think he can do stuff like that with me too. So in my mind I thought he had turned a corner and was starting to go out again, but really it was the opposite. 

He's told me he doesn't want me/anyone to treat him differently, so I've kept normal contact, but then he's moaning that people still contact him. And the way he is treating people is definitely different. 

That's another problem with feelings, I don't think he really cares how I'm feeling or how he's talking to me at the moment. I know he's got a lot on his mind and he's going to put himself first, but he can't see the mean things he's saying. But it doesn't sound like he acts that way with his friends or family so I don't think they know the true extent of how he's acting. Like saying he has no one who loves him is not a nice thing to hear and I cant believe he would think this.

The last two times I tried contacting his sister I got ignored so it doesn't look like I have his families support anymore, even though she said I could contact her whenever.

My mum and friends must have ear ache from all my talking. I like to talk because it gets things off my chest instead of bottling it all up. I guess that's why I'm finding it difficult with him being the complete opposite and not wanting to speak about it.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, I appreciate that you feel I'm trying to help him. I keep telling him I love him and we will get through this together but then he'll be mean and say 'maybe'. I think maybe he's worried I'm going to leave him or something and then that hurts even more. I keep being told not to take it personally but that's extremely hard to do, but if he's annoyed with his friends and family contacting him too, then maybe it isn't personal and just the way he's feeling and trying to cope with it.

Thank you for the offer of talking on here, I really hope I can because I think it will help a lot

Quick question, how do you tag people in these posts? I saw your reply has me tagged, but I couldn't do that for you.

Thanks xx