How can I stop my marriage going wrong and destroying my family

Hello Claudia. I saw your post and felt I had to respond. I have advanced  prostate cancer which my consultant tells me is "treatable but not curable"

The situation did put a strain on my marriage. And still does. Initially, because my wife had to suddenly become my full time carer, with minimal support , she only had me to vent her feelings at.

It does change your outlook. Most men don't like to admit to  being frightened or terrified. We don't open up about our feelings. My best advice is to hang on in there. I am on my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 19 years, but in the latter years it was all but over. I stayed with my first wife for the sake of my daughter. The eventual divorce was painful, but I was lucky I found the girl of my dreams and I know we are forever. Our forever may not be that long.

The key I guess for you and your husband is to talk-and to be honest with each other.  From what you have said, you value your marriage. And it's worth fighting for. But, you will survive if you both decide to part. One lesson cancer has taught me is that life is short-nobody has time to waste being unhappy. 

I hope things work out for you  and your family.

Braemar

Hi Claudia,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Cancer gets into everything, not least people's relationships.  Your post makes perfect sense.

The phrase you wrote that leapt out at me was 'we should have been so happy' after the surgery.  Unfortunately, time and time again, this particular stage of the cancer 'journey' (and you are both still on that journey) is the hardest stage for the person who has had cancer. Even more unfortunately, this also coincides with the time that people expect themselves to be feeling 'back to normal', and others often expect the same thing of them.  The frustration that comes with this mismatch of expectations and reality can be immense and toxic. If you have a few minutes of time, I'd really recommend reading this paper on the end of treatment by Peter Harvey, and if your husband is up for it, he may find it interesting and useful too.  Many others on this site have said that it deeply mirrors their experience of post-treatment emotions.

If you can, just try to continue supporting yourself and your husband in the same way you did when you were in the middle of it.  This stage passes too. But it is a sneaky, hidden, confusing stage that isn't really talked about as much as it should be.

I hope this helps a little. :)

Rebecca

Hello,

cancer puts a huge strain on individuals and therefore on relationships. What’s happening to you is not unusual - cancer can create rifts in even the longest and strongest relationships. Sometimes people say it only harms relationships that were in difficulty anyway, but I don’t think that’s true. I think cancer creates problems of its own and makes huge demands on the patient and  the carer. Getting an all clear USA challenge in itself.You have been hoping and praying for this, and expecting to feel happy because it’s over and you can get back to your old life. For many of us, it’s not like that. Instead of feeling happy you might still feel scared and confused, and maybe guilty about not being happy and more grateful, because others are not so lucky. But the reality is that it isn’t over. You don’t just wipe out all those months of pain and fear with one all-clear. The fear cancer could return remains and you and your husband have to come to terms with a new reality. Maybe there are still physical symptoms. Both of you need to come to terms with your ordeal and find a way to move on. Perhaps you have to learn to relate to each other in different ways. Perhaps this is part of the journey just like the treatment. You need to give yourselves time and try to be kind to each other. You will find a path to walk, and if you want it to be together , then you will walk that path with your husband. Love and good luck. 

Is a challenge not USA a challenge! 

Claudia I feel your pain, my husband has been diagnosed with prostate cancer at 52 and he will be having a prostatectomy too. I can imagine how you feel as I am dreading it. Already I feel shut out. Pleased he is getting some help do get some counselling for yourself too. It’s hard and talking about it will help