Hi everyone, my dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer in 2016 after a tumour was removed, and doctors said then that the cancer had spread to other bones too. Although he has been on medication and chemotherapy since then, the cancer has been spreading further, so even though he has more chemo sessions left, it doesn't seem to be working. These are all things that I have been told by my dad rather than the doctors (he likes to go to his appointments on his own), so I haven't been able to ask questions and find out more. It feels like the situation has been speeding up dramatically over the past few months; even though my dad has always been incredibly independent (he lives on his own) and a complete fighter (he was a builder and has still been working on building projects, however slowly, up until now!), he has become noticeably more tired and struggles to get by in daily life. It's also scary because he normally likes to keep a brave face on things, and still does to some extent - but the last few months the brave face has slipped every now and then, and it's terrifying to see how scared he himself is getting. Of course anyone would be scared in that situation, but it's horrible seeing one of your parents so vulnerable like that and not being able to help.
I wanted to join this community because really I wanted to find if there was anyone else going through a similar situation to me - I am 21 years old, still at university, and, even though my dad is older than most (70), I am so scared of the prospect of losing him so early. I'm an only child and my parents are divorced so, although there is still family around to support him and help wherever they can, I feel like I am the closest person for my dad to rely on and be supported by. It doesn't help that I feel completely powerless of the situation as, although I'm the only child and want to be his key support, as the 'child' still there is little that I can do which substantially helps him (if that makes sense). Being at uni also makes it hard because my parents want me to carry on as normal, which I am doing, but I can't help but feel guilty about doing anything - I feel like I'm wasting time that I could be spending with my dad (but at the same time, I know that if I was to try and spend this time with my dad, he would be annoyed that I was not focusing on my education!). I have to say that even writing this makes me feel guilty, because I feel like I am being selfish for making the situation about myself when it's my dad who's having to deal with the actual illness, I am just watching it happen.
The situation is different for everyone I'm sure, but it seems like it would be good to be able to discuss these sorts of things with people who are going through something similar. I can't help but feel quite alone emotionally; even though I have such loving parents and family who try to help me through it, it is difficult for anyone who isn't in the exact situation to understand. I know that neither of my parents want me to worry about what is happening and carry on with my life (especially my dad himself, who is still so fiercely independent and can't stand the thought of me worrying about him), but what is happening weighs so heavily on me that I find it difficult to carry on with everyday life as they want me to, but at the same time I feel like there's nothing I can do to make the situation even remotely better for my dad either, so I feel like I'm kind of stuck in a limbo land. To anyone who has experienced a loved one going through advanced prostate cancer, it would be so nice to hear about how you have dealt with it and made the best out of the bad situation.
Thanks for reading if you do.
Xx
Sorry to read about your dad, but it is good to focus on the fact you are doing what he wants in getting on with your studies; trying to tell you not to worry though is much easier to say than do. I cannot give you any direct experience on the prostrate cancer side but it you drop by Prostate cancer forum I am sure there will be plenty of people with experience to share.
Most universities have support services for students who have family issues outside their studies, are you in touch with them.
It can be very difficult when you feel perhaps you are not being kept fully in the picture, you might find some helpful information in our pages on the emotional effects of caring.
<<hugs>>
Steve
