Going to university with a terminally ill parent

Hi

I totally understand where you are coming from its so hard my mum has terminal cancer as well and there are days i feel I am living a dream only you can make the decision that is best for you i just want to spend all m time with my mum as i can i know my little ones i want them to always remember the fun loving person my mum is and make as many memories as we can now

The best thing i can advise is what ever you decide do not have any regrets after your mum has gone wishing you had done more or followed her guidance as do what you can now as you will never get this time again your mum will be proud either way a daughter and mums bond is so strong whatever you do she will love you no matter what

xxx

I know when I spoke to my mum about her diagnosis she said her biggest feeling was guilt about how it affected people around her.

I imagine it's the same for your mum. It would be nice to say her guilt is unfounded, and it won't affect anything, but that's not practical, if it does end up affecting your studies if your determined enough you can sort it out.

But I do find people in this situation crave normality and it's not normal, your not in the same situation as your peers, and I'm not convinced faining normality it best for everyone 

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. As a mum i would want my child to finish the course especially as you are so near the end. I imagine whichever u iversity you are studying at will have some form of student pastoral care.  You could have a word with them and get any support they offer. Also there may be some way you could study at home for some of the time

 There may even be some kind of financial support to assist with travel costs which must be a bit of a worry. Your mum will be in good hands and she may feel happier knowing you have not got to see her suffering and knowing you are getting support. Try and add a day to your weekends home and could you set up skype or facetime. Just a few thoughts from another mother and i do know what its like as my husband is suffering from incurable cancer and its a very hard time. I wish you every success in completing your degree and know you will make the right decision. Lesley

There's not much I can add after Leslie, who helped me through many sleepless nights. 

I am feeling for you. Your uni will have a support faculty and my first suggestion is to go there and see how they can help. I am going to be very honest in this post and I hope it doesn't upset you. 

Last year I was in the last year of my undergraduate when my mum called me telling me she didn't feel right, three weeks later we were told she had only months to live. 

I chose to live with her and take care of her for the last months and it was so very hard. I hardly slept as the pain for worse, numerous trips to the hospital in the early hours of the morning, times her medication made her drop things and fall asleep in the middle of a sentence and her crying her heart out as we planned her funeral and started clearing her prescious memories from her home but, I wouldn't change it for the world- I was able to repay her for all the years she helped me- how many people get to do that!?

Your mind will be all over the place but it is ultimately your choice to be there with her in these last months or bury your head in your studies as much as you can because, for a lot of us, being able to do it after is even harder. 

You're welcome to speak with me anytime, jut inbox me. We're all here to support you and we all hope we can give you some positive words to help keep you strong  

It's important to understand what she wants and make sure she has all her affairs in order before she can no longer be deemed legally corpus mentis, which may happen.

I hope I have helped. I'm someone who doesn't sugar coat anything because reality isn't a chocolate factory lol 

All the best, young man

Hello Jen

I have some idea of what you are feeling, as my daf has bowel cancer and it was diagnosed 8 weeks before I was due to relocate to Portugal with my husband and our 7 year old, my dad's only grandchild. I am an only child too.

I had accepted a new job and already moved out of our house when the news came. He had an op, 12cm tumour removed, but it had spread to 13 lymph nodes so he is now having chemotherapy for that.

I am also torn as worry that this wont work. 

My dad also encouraged me to carry on with our plans.

I lost my grandmother to cancer in my final year at university and lived two hours away.

Truth is, final year of uni is going to be hard going if  your mind is always worrying about your mum. 

If you want to be with her, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time. Take a deferred year. Let your mind and heart process this incredibly hard loss with the space and time it deserves. 

Tell your mum you would prefer to focus on her and you now, as you have forever to study and that will all work out. 

It comes down to being mindful of your real need, in the moment. I sensed you would have big regrets if you didn't get to spend these last few months with your mum.  

I honestly dont know what I will do if my dad deteriorates. Im flying back each month but I feel awful about him not seeing my son.

Sending love and hope. 

This must be incredibly difficult - you must be so torn. I'm at the beginning of this journey with my dad but its decades since I was a student. As a result I've got a similar but different challenge trying to keep my business going when my brain is refusing to work properly. 

Seems to me that Ilan's experience is important. Whilst your mum of course doesn't want your studies to suffer, this doesn't mean she doesn't need you. My dad is only a few months into the process and already we are dealing with the problem that my parents feel so guilty if I do anything for them. I don't want them to feel guilty and yet I know that I would regret not putting myself out, but we all have our own journeys with these feelings.

In the end you need to make a decision about what works best for you, in your heart of hearts. With help from the university you could find out if you could take a sabbatical to care for your mum if you wanted to and it wouldn't prevent you from returning to your studies afterwards. If you prefer to have the work to help you cope, that's ok too. 

I must say that reading of people's experiences on this forum is really helping me understand a little about the challenges I'm likely to face in the coming months. Thank you for sharing yours.