Having a bad day

My dear friends old and new. We have lived through a tsunami of emotion, we have survived but we have changed shape. I struggle to find joy but am still operating. Mum would be encouraging me if she was here. I regret not being with her more. I was there as much as i could. We are all facing more firsts. They hurt. Others in life seem to think its time for us to he 'normal'. But new normal isnt normal to me, its a heavy sadness like a lingering smell. i was the person who was taking work calls in the ambulance with mum. Its our own business so different. Im a slave to work. But why? Ive not had time off to grieve, i deserve no praise, its a wiring fault of mine. Like maternity leave we should have grief leave from work for those employed. Everyone copes differently. Ive cried rivers, my tears are a mm away most of the time. Im quite sure im depressed. Elenium, go gently and stand firm on what is right for you. yantibee, squeeze your big babies hard, be safe and please know that your online family hug you all back with love and respect and most of all understanding. X

Hello Fighter87,

I'm so sorry about your mum.  Unfortunately, no one understands unless they've been there.  People seem to forget after a few weeks or think that you should just be moving on then.  Have you had any time off?  Perhaps you should.  When my mum was bad I took two weeks off.  That's when I started this thread.  It was what I needed at the time and perhaps you do too.  I think we should all be allowed to wallow from time to time.  What people don't realise is that if they just gave us some space and support we would be able to cope much better.  Although I don't want to talk about all the crappy things I've had to deal with it has, and still does, affect me and I just need a bit of understanding.  The problem is that where I work at at the moment they are mostly younger than me and very ambitious,  They are all looking for their next promotion but I'm not.  So they push and push.  I just want to come in, do my work and go home.  I don't want to work late, I don't want to thave to think about work when I'm not there.

Anyway, we understand.  Perhaps you need to go to your GP and get signed off for a couple of weeks.  Just focus on your mum and yourself.

Sending you a hug. 

So with you in this Yantibee. A time machine and a magic wand.

If only ... I keep trying to feel and remember how warm and tight his hugs were

Poleaxed a tad yesterday when my 3 year old grandson bless him looked at Bob’s photo and said “grandad used to be here didn’t he?” We do talk about Bob all the time  and I talk to him all the time too but how I stopped the tears yesterday I don’t know.

Anyway, love to all.xxxxx

Need to sort mil’s headstone

Hi Bobles,

Sending you a big hug.  Sometimes it's like a slap in the face isn't it?  I was in the car the other day and they were talking about Christmas on the radio and it hit me that mum won't be there.  Just started crying as I was driving along. 

Everything really revolved around mum at Christmas.  I'm trying not to think about how we are going to feel on the day.  I read on another thread on here that they will light a candle on the dinner table in memory of their mum, on Christmas Day.  I spoke to GS about it and we've now got a nice big red candle to put in the table centre to light for her.  She always had red candles on Christmas Day.

I actually wish it was all over.

Hugs to all. X

I am very down today.  I have thrown myself into cleaning which worked for a while.  Husband and kids are out so home alone with the dogs.  I am worried about my older dog.  She's not been well for quite a while but is noticeably worse now.  When will it all end?  I've had enough now.  I just want to crawl into a hole.

Hello Elenium,

Thank you., sending you a big hug too. I wish it was January too but like everything everyone has all gone through there is no hiding, no escape.” IT” has to be faced I guess.  Love the candle thought for the dinner table though, might steal that idea. I did go to the hospice service of light last week on an impulse but didn’t really find it meaningful not sure why.

I can’t bear shopping, seeing happy couples hand in hand. Not that I begrudge them or would wish anything sad to happen to them, it just makes my sadness deeper.

Be kind to your self, busy helps but sometimes you do have to stop.

Hope you dog gets better, as you seem to have to deal with and cope with one thing after another.

Love to all xxx

Thanks Bobles.

I know what you mean about the shopping.  I tried to do some the other day but found it quite difficult.  I would normally be out with mum shopping so hard to do it without her.  Doesn't help that I have absolutely no Christmas spirit either.

My dog seememd a little better earlier but not so good again now.  I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow.  Worried about my dog and I know that my boss is going to give me a hard time for being off sick.  I almost wish I was still ill so that I didn't have to go. 

Feeling overwhelmed,  Husband managed to get bleach on the bathroom mat earlier. I burst into tears.  He said "but it's only a mat...". But it wasn't the mat really it was just something else to add to all the crap that I'm dealing with.  Got counselling next week.  Really hoping it'll help again. 

To top it all off we've got snow, quite a bit, so the trains will probably be up the creek tomorrow...

Feeling sorry for myself. Sorry.

Dearest Elenium,

I feel so much for you. I know I haven't posted lately, but I read all the posts. The mat was simply your last straw. It's usually something fairly trivial, I know that's how it is with me. You may not thank me for asking, but did you try the medication route? 

I hope your dog is a bit better today, and that the travel problems are sorted. 

As for myself, I've  struggled since the anniversary of Alan's death. I feel quite flat. I'm not doing Christmas this year apart from presents for  the grandkids, Christmas Day lunch with my friend who's on her own too. I'm not bothering with a tree as I'm not expecting company, and I sent regards, then donated the money I would spent on cards to Cancer Research UK. I too hate shopping at the mo, anyone who knows me would be shocked as it's usually one of my favourite pastimes. All the jollity, false smiles, noise is too much. I feel for the retail staff  having done it for so many years. I survived 4 Clinton's Christmasses for goodness sake!! 

I feel guilty when I turn down invitations, then feel lonely. 

I just want my Alan back.

Big Hugs and Love to all my family on here. You help keep me sane

Sue xx

Thanks Sue,

I know what you mean about feeling flat.  People keep telling me that I need to get into the Christmas spirit because my mum wouldn't want me to be miserable.  I know they mean well but really I'd just like to tell them to F*** off.  They have no idea what it feels like.  I know mum wouldn't want me to be miserable but it's not like I can turn it off. Hate this!

I didn't try medication.  I started to feel better but then felt worse again.  I think some of it is because of my boss. I start counselling again next week and am hoping it will help.

I understand why you want to turn down invitations but perhaps you should accept one.  It might help.

Sending you a big hug Sue. X

So today was my office Christmas party.  I wore a Christmas jumper...  I couldn't feel less Christmassy if I tried.  I hardly slept last night. I dreamt about mum not being here for Christmas and woke up crying.  I went into work and my team leader asked if I was OK and I started crying.  Shit, shit, shitty, shit, shit! I managed to get through the afternoon.  It wasn't too bad.  It was made better by the fact that my boss has gone sick and cocked up big time and I sorted it out... 

Hope you are all ok.

Hugs to all.

X