Having a bad day

Dearest my Virtual Family,

YES, we are the ones who 'get it'!!

Even if I try not to, I end up talking about Alan. And like you, I can see the mental eye rolls!! Someone said " You deserve another chance at love." Duck It!! I don't WANT another chance at love!! I want Alan!!! 

I'm slowly putting my bedroom back together after having it painted, and the first thing I put out? A photo of Alan laughing. 

If I have to tell someone new about Alan passing I can hold it together, having depression means you become an excellent actor, but once home I crumble. I don't scream. I hate people shouting, even on TV. And that includes me. All that ever seemed to happen when I was growing up was shouting. Maybe that's why I can't watch soaps. Too much shouting. 

My holiday is only 9 days away. How do I enjoy it without him. It's like a second home to me in my heart, but everywhere will remind me.

Our family on here is the only place I can be completely honest about how I feel 

Hugs to all

Sue xx

Duck It, love it. That can be our new scream! please still go on holiday... did you ever go away without Alan when he was here? I dont fully understand depression, and suspect some actions are bigger for you because of the depression... With that in mind as a normal for you going away is a biggy, so were all those 'tricky' times when you were caring for your man. maybe without realising it nor congratulating yourself what is to come is small fry to what you have survived? Mathematically (bearing in mind i got U in my olevel for maths), your holiday will be ok and maybe some enjoyable, with tears and fears and anxiety all mixed in. You are amazeballs xxx

Maisiemae,

Yes I did go away alone. I've been to Canada several times, and to see friends in Essex. But never a 'holiday'. I was looking into moving there when I met Alan, but that never happened. With the way things are in the world now, it won't happen. 

I agree, NOTHING will ever be as big again, but still worry inducing. Logically I know I'll be fine, but that doesn't stop the nerves. 

Thank you, I think you're amazeballs too! 

Hugs

Sue xx

Thursday morning opened up facebook to play a couple of games I follow and up came "your memories", normally they are really positive and give a lift but this was my last ever photo with my mum and dad together, 4 years since they died; just totally unexpected and I started to cry, Janice was home and just came and sat beside me with her hand on my arm. Got it back together after 5-10 minutes and just think it only hurts because I love them (present tense!).

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hello all,

What is going on? Sorry, another off loading session to follow.

I'm having a strange horrible sad time too, mil funeral yesterday..... so memories of Bobs funeral flooding back, children obviously upset. Lovely service , everyone said so. Being polite maybe,  but I did it for Bob, not for mil, is that bad?

Visit to auntie and uncle at weekend just gone with brothers and their wives and they were all discussing their upcoming ruby weddings, 60 and 65 th birthdays, holidays, cruises...... you name it everything I no longer have /could have had... with Bob. Jealous, sad, angry or what?

.

Visit to another friend whose marriage isn't the best but she said that I was lucky to be on my own and so can please myself.

.how do you respond to that without screaming? 

More ducks I believe .. and ducks is not a word I ever use either.

Flat clearance tomorrow ....

Love and hugs to all.

Xxx

Hi all,

Bobles, people are so thoughtless aren't they?  I feel like everyone expects us to be over it all now and back to normal.  It's never going to be normal again.  Why can't they understand and show a little thought and compassion.  I wonder if we were the same though, before we went through this?  We all have to get on with it the best we can.  At least we have each other on here.

I am on the train on my way into London.  It's Open House weekend, where lots of places that aren't normally open to the public are, today and tomorrow.  It's one of the things on my list and something I would have done with mum.  I'm feeling a little sad as I'm missing her and wishing she was here with me.  But I am going with my best friend who lost her dad a few years ago, so completely gets how I feel, and has been and continues to be there for me all the time.  

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Hugs to all.

X

Hello Elenium,

Glad you went to London with a friend who is on the same page and you both can be there for one another. I view us all as being on the same page some further down than others; but I do wonder if we ever get to turn the page, not sure on that one. The old cliche time will tell I suppose.

Unbelievably/luckily (?)I don't think I knew anyone who had been in our position, really insular I guess.

It's not that I expect everyone to have to be careful of what is said in front of me, goodness no, I would hate that, but it just is another reminder of loss.

Anyway, flat painting this weekend so that the housing association can tick their boxes. Can see daylight when standing on the kitchen work tops and painting behind the top of the kitchen cupboards! No wonder mil was always complaining of the cold.

Enjoy the day, 

Love to all

Sorry to hear Elenium.

Bobles, i wrote to you when you posted this but for some reason it never 'posted'.  whoever you did it for, you did it. You are a bigger person than MILs anger at the World. some days seem ok and then i just have this huge wave of grief and even now i actually cant believe my mum will never hold my face again. So god knows what its like when your life partner is gone. Ive just had a very traumatic week, nearly lost one of my dogs, lifesaving surgery for her.... I would have been on phone to mum and blow by blow together. Even tbough i was the grown up when mum needed care I will always be her baby girl xxx what ive just written wasnt what i was going to say. I do hope you have some kind to yourself time now xxx ps i could scream ducks!

Hi all.

Not ignoring you. Dad struggling and watching him suffer is terrible. 

He wants to stop dialysis. 

I don't blame him he's in pain. Physical and emotional. 

Jx