Having a bad day

Hell su,

Yes, thank you I did do stuff!

Even became assertive and pointed out structural repairs in Mil flat, to housing association that I wouldn't repair when decorating.

Power on a tad for now. Have run out of energy though so don't know how Jennie keeps going.

Hmm Wethers original eh? Must try that 

.have a lovely holiday, so happy you are going, we used to love Puerto pollensa.

Xxxx 

My/our favourite place is Cala D'Or on the east coast 

Hi all,

Not been on for a few days.  Struggling a bit at the moment.  Yesterday was particularly hard, for some reason.  Don't want to do anything, I have no enthusiasm. I don't want to go to work, it doesn't interest me.  There's a small part of me that is standing to one side telling me to get on with it and stop being so pathetic but a bigger part of me just doesn't want to.  I thought starting a new job would help, new challenges and more interesting work but now I'm wondering if I should have stayed where I was.  At least they would have understood my moods.  Here I have to put on a front all the time.  I do talk to my boss a bit about it but it's difficult.  He told me that I'm too laid back.  I wanted to to tell him it's because I just don't find it important, no one's suffering, dying so what does it matter?  Not really the attitude to have.  I am pretty laid back anyway so I'm not really sure I can change that about myself. Obviously he'd prefer me to be stressed and running around like a headless chicken...  I can't even be bothered to think about it.  My anger seems to have been replaced with apathy...

Elenium, 

Apathy. That's It!!! EXACTLY how I've been feeling these past few weeks!! And couldn't put a name to it. I  said to a friend that my compassion and worry had gone out of the window. 

It's  easier to sit and not care. Is anyone else feeling this way? A rebound reaction? 

Hugs to All

Sue xx

Apathy !! Yes I understand that Elenium it's like things just keep moving and I am just not bothered . I work , long and hard days surrounded by people who accept me as I am on any given day, me with my false smile and "normal" mood just getting on with running the business but they have no idea what this is like!! Sometimes I think everyone has forgotten what Jill went through and the fact she died, they have no idea how it has wrecked my heart, my life my boys' life it's strange how this life just keeps turning and how quickly things are just accepted .

I can't be bothered with the in laws and their get togethers, with work parties or bonding days out , I just want to come home and be around Jill's things in our home. I thought I was making good progress through this mire of grief but I feel like I have hit the buffers, I can't move at the moment just stuck in a low mood finding myself putting on this facade like an actor on a stage ....it's 9 months now since my life as I knew it ended and the cancer took Jill away but it seems like yesterday, how do you move ?Been Alone doesn't help of course with the boys away now and work is my only connection with the outside world but it's really tough 

Sorry bit depressing all that !! But here is the only place to vent!! and especially at this time of night when although exhausted physically the mind is alive with thoughts and the sleep doesn't always come 

I read all the posts and feel so deeply for the new people who join this group daily it's so sad , maybe I should stop reading? But I look out for "our" thread...."having a bad day" I hope it just has been a bad day and that's why I have ranted on !? 

I hope today (Friday) is better for you all and myself and my boys and as I try to sleep I will think of my beautiful wife whom I miss so much it hurts as I know you miss your loved ones too , I hope it's nice wherever they all are and the suffering they endured here is no more

Take care my friends , you are all constantly in my thoughts 

Yantibee - most definately a pattern to grief. Indeed, my partner has tried to stop me from crying - how very dare anyone stem my flow and way with grief. I refuse to put on an act everywhere, especially at home. Its his limitations which needs me not to cry. Equally i get why people feel uncomfortable with emotion, they dont know what to do. I just want to scream, do nothing just say nothing and allow it to happen But maybe just sit with me. I ask v little, just to be accepted. Its more difficult at work. Some countries and cultures embrace grief, one can wail and cry and howl anywhere, the women wear black, people know they are grieving, its accepted and RESPECTED. the anger bubbles so close to the surface, apathy and anger not v pretty but oh so real. The wound may find a way to close one day but the scar will forever define me. Ok i expect my mum to die before me but in such a cruel wretched way. To steal a wonderful young woman from life and her family is a sledgehammer of evil. Y - sometimes your posts and others punch me in the stomach of reality and remind me that our losses are so recent, our pain so raw, my wailing is curtailed by me and others but its there, its there behind my eyes throat and heart just 1mm beneath my skin. im ranting too. Good, thats why we are all here for one another and thankyou for scratching my wound, i dont want it to heal, is to heal may be to forget, is to wail keeping mum alive in my mind?

I agree , I don't want the wound to heal or the pain to stop it IS a way of keeping her here with me. Whatever people think I don't care , if they roll their eyes or try to change the subject if I talk about her or her traumatic passing I don't care what they think , I feel it I lost her I can't just sweep it away as if it never happened!!!, it did happen and to me it's still happening every time I close my eyes, every time I see her photos every time I step into our home . I wouldn't wish it on anyone this pain this grief but it is my pain and my grief and I have to be allowed to deal with it my way not just how I am " supposed to" deal with it....it's 9 months you should be over it now seems to be an undertone with some alleged friends, why don't you go out and meet someone else? I DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE!!!!!! AAAAAAARGH !!! I could scream some days 

Thank you Maisiemae again as ever your words hit the spot , your a star and I am glad I met you on this forum , you and all the others , thank you for reading, listening and understanding 

Yesterday morning I opened up facebook and as sometimes happens got a "here is your post from x years ago" normally they are something quite good and brightens the day but the one in picked this time was the very last photo of my mum and dad together, caught me on the hop and so started to cry. Cannot say I think about my parents every day or that in general it stops me getting on with my life but if it did not hurt sometimes perhaps it might feel like I no longer loved them.

In a totally separate event we were invited to my brother-in-laws house last weekend, at the last minute we were told my other sister-in-law would be there too. In conversation my SIL started talking in daily mail type headlines but when challenged then said we are not going to talk politics. SIL worked for a while as a carer and therefore is a total expert and then said how the whole of the NHS is totally wonderful, when I said that not the gynae who we ended up making a formal complaint about she say "that is all in the past your should put it behind you" - if I am in a more generous mood I might consider this is just a form or denial that my wife has incurable cancer and that at least partially we blame on this gynae. My BIL's wife did have cancer but had surgery and was cured so is much more sympathetic though it did take her a while to feel comfortable with Janice as she was having something akin to survivor guilt at first. I am quite well known for not swearing but SIL got me so upset I said the word my son says rhymes with duck.

Scream sometimes it can really help.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Steve, thankyou for sharing. You clearly are a gentleman and generous with you fairness. I am a lady but by golly there are a lot of ducks in my World at the moment - maybe they should visit you more often, it feels naughty but sometimes helps to express how i feel. Love to you and your dear wife xxx

I am angry today, so very angry.  I went to mum's this morning and one of her neighbours asked how she was.  I had to tell her that mum had died.  I broke down and ran away.  It was a shock, having to tell someone, and it made it feel like it was just yesterday.  I felt so raw and scared. I haven't coped at all today.  I had a huge row with my youngest over something so trivial.  She walked out of the house.  I then had a huge meltdown screaming and crying and my eldest daughter had to comfort me but was also crying and upset.  I eventually calmed down and text my daughter to apologise.  She came home and it was all ok but I am still so angry.  It's back with a vengeance.  I want mum back, I want to be normal again.  I hate, hate, hate my new normal.  As some of you have said, it's like people expect you to be over it by now.  I will never be over it.  I miss mum every minute of every day.  I constantly pick up the phone to ring her or text her about something.  I need her advice, her hugs and her love.  I don't feel whole anymore.  I don't know what to do without her.  I am lost.  I talk about her all the time and then wonder if people expect me to stop or don't like it but I don't care.  I try to remember the good times but today I can only think about the bad.  It's all swirling about in my head and I want to shout and scream and punch and kick and hurt everybody because I want them to all understand how I feel.  But they don't.   

You do.  I came on here tonight to rant because I know that my virtual family get it completely.  We all seem to be in the same place at the moment.  I wish we were all together right now. I am so grateful that I found you.

X