Having a bad day

Heheh well Jenny our hearts are in the same place and however written the msg remains one of support. I once asked my partner of 26 years 'what do you think Im good at/come why are you with me' in a semi argument. His reponse was 1. You are good at making Shepherds Pie 3. Good at organising holidays.. And 3. Good at writing. Well, at the time I was devastated, but although clearly room for improvement on other items I was grateful there were 3 things rather than none at the time. Shame i can only think of one thing he is good at! X thankyou Jenny. I suffer from low self esteem, or I did, so did mum, but she was the most glorious kind woman who ever lived. If im an ounce of her I am doing ok. Harrowing: if you get to this bit of this post, you will grow broad shoulders during this time, but please allow them to be as small as you need them to be on here. This is a non judgemental space of support.

Hi all,

Been with GS this week and had a lovely time.  It was mum's birthday yesterday and we went for afternoon tea somewhere that mum liked.  We raised a cuppa to her and wished her happy birthday.  We were a bit emotional but it was ok.  I came home today and stopped at the cemetery to put flowers on hers and dad's grave.  It was too much.  I broke down. Luckily there wasn't anyone else around.  Horrible, horrible.

MIL is back in hospital.  SIL found her barely breathing.  She's responding to treatment and is much better but hospital are talking about sending her home on Monday but haven't figured out what happened and how to prevent it happening again.  Husband at wits end.

I feel like I should feel guilty for having a good week but I don't.  Is that bad?

How are you all?

Hugs to all.

X

Elenium, firstly I have to say how wonderful it was to meet you and GS on Wednesday. And Jenny & Maisiemae, I now have faces to put to names thanks to Elenium.  

I'm so glad you and GS enjoyed your afternoon tea. I'm sure your mum was right there with you in beautiful surroundings. And as for breaking down, NEVER feel like it's horrible. It proves you're human and that you love.

Really sorry to hear MIL back in hospital. Just when your family are beginning to heal a bit. And as for not feeling guilty for a having a good week, it shows that you're starting to come out of the black hole that is grief. My counsellor used those exact words on Thursday when I told her how much I'd enjoyed meeting you. And that I'm actually looking forward to my trip in September.

I have my last session this coming Thursday, and you know what? It's not half as scary as it was 3 or 4 weeks ago. I have this feeling in my soul that I'll be ok. I'll never be the same Sue I was before losing my darling Mum then Alan, but at least a reasonable version of her. And that's ok. When you think about it we've all had different incarnations. As a child I was Susan to my parents, family and teachers. Then I was Stroppy Sue teenager. Then I was Sue/Mum to my husband and kids. Then I was Susie to Alan and his family. Now I'm Sue the single person. But at the same time I'm Mum/Grandma/Auntie/Friend.  No doubt it won't be my last incarnation. 

Yantibee, unless you have a problem/allergy with them, maisiemaes's idea about a cat might not be a bad one. I know my Saffy & Bella have kept me sane, especially when I've come home to an empty flat or woken from a bad dream. 

I hope the rest of our family on here are ok, or as ok as they can be at the moment.

Big Hugs as always

Sue xx

Sue, it was so lovely meeting you too.  

I know now that I was probably depressed but do feel like I'm coming out of it.  I didn't want to do anything and I didn't care about anything.  Just before I left to see GS I had started to get motivated again.  This afternoon I have been putting all my china in mum's china cabinet.  I didn't realise just how much I had!  I've got some of mum's to put in there and then I'm done.  It makes me happy to be able to look at it.

I'm so glad that the counselling has helped you Sue.  It really helped me.  I would always recommend it.  It's good to be able to talk to someone who is completely outside of it all.

We all just have to get used to our new normal now, don't we.

Hugs to all.

X

Hi all, firstly Elenium you must not feel guilty ever!!! The fact you had a nice time is proof you are making progress through this grief process, you will not "get over it" or forget but you are still here and you have to move forward and it was so wonderful to read your post, my counselling taught me that it's ok to be happy , ok to be sad, to laugh and cry, grief has no rules nor time limits so don't feel guilty about feeling good because you will still have the dark days too, enjoy the good ones when they come 

Sue, I laughed when you suggested as maisiemae did about the cats!! I don't know , I am out at work so much I don't know if it's the right thing to do as getting a pet or pets is such a responsibility I don't think I am Ina position to look after it or them as I feel I should, maybe if and when work settles down a bit I may think again, I would love another dog but now is not the right time 

Youngest coming home next weekend, I have missed him terribly and I have seen eldest a few times and he seems to be coping well at the moment, a few bad days as to be expected but much brighter than he has been 

Me? Overworking and keeping busy, constantly think about Jill , talk to her urn and give it a hug daily, miss her loads and it sinks in a bit more everyday that she is gone, unbelievable but true 

On the 20th it is a year since she had the original brain tumour removed successfully, wow the emotion of that day!!!! Fear and dread replaced by unconfined joy , my brave girl , how cruel it turned out in the end but can't change it now. 

Love to you all out there , the posts are hard to read , the support is immense and the group as a whole is truly inspiring 

Whenever i write after you have posted recently i feel this overwhelming urge to shout 'go on' you can do it, darling wife would be shouting words of encouragement too, Yantibee astride the horse of grief but tearing for the finish line.... The vision of busyness. May you and your horse stop from time to time too, all furlongs need to be covered but i feel that you are not running backwards, such is my sense of your journey. Your racing colours, well of course, they are plum! 

Thank you Yantibee. I know that you are right and mum would be the first person to tell me not to feel guilty.    My counsellor told me the same things.  I still have days when I'm overwhelmed by anger but they are getting less. I'm glad your eldest is coping more now.  It's hard to see your kids go through this.  My youngest has Aspergers and finds emotion very difficult.  She was brilliant with my mum and now her other nan's in hospital it's very hard for her.  She doesn't say much but I know that she is scared that she's going to die too.  So, so hard.  MIL is much better now though so we can breathe a bit easier for now.

A complete change of subject now.  I would like to enlist the help of my virtual family.  It's my 50th on Friday and I am compiling a list of 50 things to do over the coming year.  I'm up to 41 so need 9 more.  I need fun, realistic, affordable things.  Any suggestions welcome.  I would just say that I'm scared of heights, so parachuting and skydiving are out. And bungie jumping...

Thanks in advance.

Hugs to all.

X

Hi Elenium,

Why are the 'high' things out?! Surely after dealing with the 'bar-steward' cancer you should feel that you can conquer anything! Why not push yourself futher & step outside your comfort zone - you will feel amazing after you do it & the sense of achievement will definitely spur you on to tackle more 'taboos'.

Come on...you can do it & we'd all like to see a pics or two to celebrate your success. :)

Cheers,Pete

Hello,

Sorry not been contributing but have been reading. You are all in my thoughts and I feel we are all stepping out of the dark, sometimes in the shade but hopefully not back into the darkness. Still have sad days, bad days of corse.

Been a bit full on with MIL. 

With you in all that you do Yantibee. Me too.

It's the magic wand we all wanted but didn't get to heal everyone.

Elenium don't feel guilty, your mum wouldn't want that and neither do your family.

Glad your MIL is improving, that's great news.

Love to all

Xxx

Thought for your birthday, not sure what you already have planned"... racing /car driving experience? I've always fancied the skid pan but not in my car!

Happy birthday for Friday xxxx