Having a bad day

Maisiemai,

So unfair, so so unfair. I know it's their loss but that doesn't help you, does it?

You aren't alone, just know that we are a family even though not in quite the same tangible way. 

Wish I could give you a huge huge hug.

Lesley xxx

Unfair ..... yes all of it it's just so awful seemingly for us all , the posts are hard to read and thee is little to offer as comfort , I feel lost again 

Here the house is empty now, youngest has flown the nest , eldest is struggling through his grief , and me? Don't know what to say I feel numb again . I have never been alone in all my 47 years until now. Surrounded by people all day at work, public face on so it all looks "normal " to the the eyes of staff and guests at the restaurants but inside, behind the mask, away from the performance I am shattered , I don't know how to move on, I long to get home to be with Jill  , her photos her physical presence in the beautiful urn where her remains rest , is that odd? I talk to her I hold her and I am alone. 

Family?? Well it's all quiet there , my brothers ? Weeks and weeks since we spoke, Jill's siblings? Same , very distant , no more calls or pop ins for a coffee , maybe they have moved on but for me I feel stuck again, I have come some way since she died and the counselling helped but just these last few days it seems to have got harder again, maybe this is grief and the  path it takes but it is totally s@#* and very unfair

Love to you all sorry for the woe is me post but it's how I feel tonight, not sleeping very well either, flashbacks and bad dreams ....awful x

Yantibee as well as the grief and flashback's it's a huge change for you all too.  So bloody hard.

I know my Dad feels similarly to you. As a Dad he wants us to move on with our lives but he doesn't want to be alone and doesn't know how to do living without his wife.  He's also very ill too. I know he feels weak and punishes himself needlessly for his feelings  (is old school).

I guess we're all feeling our way in the dark now and are experiencing the same grief, loneliness, anger, tiredness interspersed with vaguely OK times. Sometimes all seems pointless.  Dad talks of suicide.

But there are and can be more "good bits"....cruelly experienced without our lost loves...

Can we hang on for the better days?

Yantibee tell your family if you can.  Just wanted to say you're not alone. 

It is awful.  I agree.  Part of this process can only be done alone ...personal to ourselves...don't do it all alone....tell us here too.

Hug.

Jx

Ps talk to mum too. Ashes due to be scattered next month.

Yantibee. the lack of family human contact by folk is shocking, endorses the deep lonliness felt by loss of a partner/loved one. I agree with Jenny. I also wonder if the stayawayers think they are giving you 'space'. Can you tell them, it would be nice to meet for a pint/coffee/golf? It shouldnt take you having to but people can be scared of doing wrong thing (as they are), i do wish geographically we were closer to each other. I would love a weekly then monthly meet up, rounders or whatever, to be in a safe group where we can further explore making new friends, trust and understanding. I find myself acting and i catch myself and stop, saying actually im broken and disappointed in lack of support. the horror before the loss sometimes gets me as much as the loss, with the questioning of shoukd i have insisted on private healthcare earlier... Would mum be here. I offered, i asked.... Did i do enough. Im unaware of anyone else in my family questioning themselves... I never stopped fighting for her. Even now, her affairs.... Yantibee, group therapy is a poweful thing, do Cruse do that or a bereavement group. As you know its not all tears. You are not alone. I for one feel very protective of you and our virtual family. Even though i feel alone myself. My brain struggles to compute it all. if ever you had a couple of days off we could get our lil group together. A day in Brighton or somehing.

We are not alone.  We have each other.  I'm the same as Maisemaise.  I'd like us all to meet up.  Perhaps tha'st what we all need, our own group therapy.

I have felt numb for so long now.  I don't care about anything.  I've done no housework for weeks.  That is not like me at all.  But I don't care. I look at the mess and I feel nothing.  My husband says I've got to move on and I know he's right but I can't.  All the things that used to annoy me so much aren't even on my radar anymore.  I have moments where I almost feel back to normal but they are fleeting.  I talk to mum all the time.  I don't feel that she's with me though and, I know it sounds corny, I wish she would give me a sign to let me know she's there. 

It's all crappy.

Hugs to all.

X

I had actually put a picture at the top of my last post,  But it obviously didn't like it.  It said:

Family is not about blood.  It's about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most.

To me that is you lot on here.  My lovely virtual family.

X

Elenium

you are so right!

Sue,

not heard from you for a while.  How are you?

X

Hi Elenium,

I'm  feeling a tad frazzled tbh. I'm still not sleeping well, I'm going to take my last sleeping tablet tonight. I seem to be at people's beck and call. Friend with car problems, brother who's worried about everything, and just generally fed up. Hence my silence. I've  also been reading everyone's posts about feeling down. I wonder if this slump we're all feeling is a natural progression. We're all between 5 & 7 months down the line, and we're still having outside influences causing us tension. 

I've been eating EASY too much chocolate!! I wish I drank, feels like a good pissup would do me good! 

Like the rest, just feeling a bit woe is me.

Hugs n love to all

Sue xx