Having a bad day

Thanks HB

Hello all, 

Hope things are moving along in a good way, I feel I'm doing okay and then I visit my mil, who of course isn't doing okay, and she brings me right down,

. The doctor has offered her counselling which she has refused, says she can only talk to me as only I can understand. Don't know what to do, I can't stop going to see her, I have kept reassuring her about Bobs last days as that is what she wants to keep hearing about but not telling the truth as that would only upset her more. Have tried to explain how reliving this affects me but it doesn't register with her! Also, if she can't talk to me i am being selfish and uncaring. Suggestions, tactics gratefully received. She even thought I should be taking his ashes with me last weekend!

Sleep well all.

Love to all xxx

Dearest bobles. Sensing mil has little else to focus on And is stuck on the detail. What would Bob have suggested. Im having mind conversations with mum asking her opinion on on how to deal with things. You are in a tricky position. Honesty is the only way forward here i think. Tell her how you feel about revisiting the details and that you want to continue visiting her but could you do something as sense you visit her at home? tell her that counsellors really do understand without having to know her son and its tragic for both of you and you are both mending and missing him in different ways. What would you really like to say to her, i think you know but manners and doing the right thing prevents you. the only right thing is the truth in a gentle way, reinforcing yr msg each visit x

Agree with Maisiemae.  She's not realising her reliance on you is too much. Maybe she could reconsider counselling?  Dad refused initially but is starting next Friday.  He said he could talk to us though.  We said that he may have things to talk about that he can't with us.  (Suicide). He is unsure as thinks it may make him more upset.  He is going to give it a go though.

Mil may have similar fears about counselling. 

Going out together to do something may be easier and distract from repeatedly asking the same thing of you.

Hug.

Jx

Yantibee. Thanks for letting us know that you are nudging forwards and sharing that the counselling is helping you in this unwanted journey. Men in particular find the idea of therapy as 'not manly' whatever that means so its good positive reinforcement for a teeterer.... I do hope Norwich is kind to yr son. Sue and I have links there.... although for me its a lot of ambulance rides and days in that main hospital with mum its also a lovely City. Some lively nightlife. I do think of you all and find myself wondering how you and the boys are and even if you would get another dog.  go well mr yantibee.

Hello Maisiemai and Jenny,

Thank you both.

You are both so right and accurate in everything. Bob wouldn't have had any patience and would be irritated, tell her to forget the past because you can't change it! True but we still live with it and that is all she can dwell on. I guess I need to be more honest with her, she is housebound so that is all she has to focus on, plus the carers are now using too much bleach.

We have progressed from washing up liquid!

I do change the subject every time but it still leaves me feeling down when I leave her. Wish I was meeting up with you next week,.

Have a peaceful weekend. Xx

It must be very wearing for you. Feed her the truth bit by bit? 

Hug for you..

Tired today as Dad up at 3am.

Jx

Bless her. But also bless you, you are not stuck in time and will find A way to be, perhaps she would like to record her memoirs on a cassette so her precious memories are recorded. early years, teenage, your years and maybe she will be able to think about what she wants to record... Giving her homework for her to make notes, going back, moving forwards and the rule is that period only. There will be a final chapter with Bob here but she can then see and feel safe its not forgotten and a way of her moving forwards. Bobles , i too am sorry you are not coming but hopefully there can be another meeting one day.. We Could do an around the country crawl! X

Love to you Jenny, all is still ongoing for you.

Xx

Hello all,

I am still following this amazing group, all your stories really touch me and resonate with me. I so feel for you.

As some of you know, I lost my Mum 11years ago (primary brain tumour), and am now going through something similar with Dad. I really wanted to say everything you are going through is 'normal' (whatever normal is). But I know you know that and it doesn't make it any easier.

Yantibee, my Dad is still saying to me, with tears in his eyes, we should have got a second opinion for Mum, she should have had surgery, chemo, radiotherapy...breaks my heart. Glad to hear you are feeling a little bit better, tho'.

You lovely ladies who also lost your Mums, you have been so strong, and you have had so much to deal with, it is still early days. I still dream about my Mum, I have momentary thoughts, must tell her that...but mostly now I enjoy talking about her,looking at old photos...remembering, and it mostly gives me a warm feeling. (also white feathers appear at random times and I like to think that is her communicating).

Bobles and Sue, I didn't want to leave you out, how wonderful you have been with losing your husbands/partners.. and dealing with their families, such difficult times for you,but hey.. you're here and still fighting and offering support to others.

Huggybear, pleased to meet you,too. Your words are lovely, and like you I have felt the warmth and support of this lovely group. I also have Fibromyalgia, so have additional difficulties in my life.

I am sad that I will be unable to join you on 20th, I have only recently been to London for my daughter's graduation (proud Mummy moments), a very expensive day! Can't afford it so soon. I do go to London every few months to visit my Dad, so I would love to meet with all of you, when I am there. We could always meet at the royal hospital chelsea!

Oh dear, this has turned into a long post, apologies for that, and I wish you all well and inner peace.

Take care, Anneteresa