Having a bad day

Sat 20 May 2pm Southwark Cathedral. Shall we meet 1.30? 

El. Sorry you are suffering so. pleased to hear counselling has eased some of the bottle carrying.... Little bit at a time. Elenium, maybe yr sister needs to feel this way right now, some of the self torture of thoughts is like self harming but it feels appropriate at the time to feel that wretched. She will let it go eventually - indeed counselling may help facilitate that but not yet. The power of the mind, such a muscle. Like Jenny, the hamster wheel brain keeps turning, did i tell mum i loved her enough, did she believe it. Did my anger with my sister and mums neighbour get in the way of me loving mum enough. I mussed being with mum during her last breath. Im self torturing. Her last night on this earth i was in a hospital chair desparate for sleep. I didnt care for her enough then i left her to fetch her husband even though my sister had slept in a hotel all night. Was i my sisters slave. Why did i go... Why didnt she.  See, it never stops! I never stopped loving her but i willed her to pass inbthe end. How awful am I. 

1.30 sounds good. I may have slight hangover as party night before. First party since Mum died not sure how it will be.

Our Mums must've known we loved them. I hope they did...we did wish them to pass they had had enough. We want them here now minus the suffering and disease. They weren't allowed this so they had no choice but to leave. They couldn't even choose when they left.

Yesterday counsellor summed up my situation here currently. and my sister and Dads..we are going through the same again. We don't know how long Dad has, we see him suffer. Massive hospital schedule. He's not as bad as Mum but could die soon or in several years....

Pass the gin.

Jx

Hi my lovely friends,

I don't quite know how I've managed to not post in the past week or so. It just seems there was a lot going get on. Some good some not so much. 

Maisiemae, 1.30 works for me. If I'm going to be late due to travel problems I'll try & get in touch with you. I suddenly realised yesterday that will be the 6 month anniversary of Alan leaving. My heart will be heavy. It'll  also be 1 year& 2 days since I lost Mum.

E, your bank sounds a nightmare!! Because Alan's accounts didn't hold much, hence not having to apply for Probate, both of his banks simply transferred the money to my (with a different bank) normal account by the end of the same day as I went in to see them. I then simply opened another current account online with my bank and transferred all his funds there. I then paid the bills & DWP overpayments by card, and wrote a cheque to the beneficiary. 

I don't know if it's because I was the first to lose someone I seem to be in a slightly (not much) better place than you all. I did the awful guilt thing until his brother pointed out that no-one could've done more before he died. He says he saw how hard it was for me when Alan was at home, then in hospital his last few days, and that it showed everyone how much I loved Alan and to stop beating myself up.

Most of the time I'm sleeping a bit better, and am making sure I do stuff for me. I've thought about going past his flat, but have managed to convince myself not to. The car I'm driving was his, and it's going tomorrow. It's not practical for me, but at least I've had the use of it. I've already got another car sorted, again, thanks to Alan's brother. 

I know Southwark will be a big thing for those of us who can manage to get there, and I really hope that sometime in the near future we can ALL meet up. 

Big Hugs to all

Sue xx

Hi sue. You are doing so very well, you went through hell with Alan.  Its strange, i can track where sime if us are by the 'stage' i remember and then i find myself repeating that stage but its a little less intense. Like an unenjoyable Wirlitzer of records, here's the guilt record, now the doubt record and in case you didnt feel it enough, here we go again! Sur, if coach is late do not worry, i and others will be there xxxx

Shredding Mums medical paperwork.  History of hell. 

Thankfully sis has cooked today as I'm now exhausted

Hug to all.

Jx

Can't think about any of it today.  I think it will send me over the edge.

1.30pm on the 20th is fine by me.  Are we swapping mobile numbers, just in case?

Hi all, reading the posts it sounds like a real tough time for some of us!! It's so hard when the sadness returns like an unwanted blanket to cover you and other days we feel"ok" . My therapist is trying to make me realise it's not a bad thing to feel "ok" .... I was feeling guilt about many things to do with my life with Jill and especially the end of her life, could I have done more? Helped her better? Taken her for second third fourth opinions from specialists? Fought harder than she did? Also feel guilty if I am or realise I am not thinking about her , if I am laughing at work with colleagues or customers, if I am enjoying a day out with some friends it started to make me think "oh god what am I doing I have just lost my wife, I should be sad" The therapy is teaching me that is ok and that it's quite normal and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. He tells me I am still here and although my loss is huge and I will never get over what has happened I do have a life to live and it's OK to do it. It's ok to be happy it's ok to be sad , ok to laugh ,ok to cry , grief undulates like waves on the ocean sometimes it's rough and your down with big waves all around you, sometimes your at the top of the wave above the turmoil and sometimes it's calm .....and I have to try remember it's just normal , emotions are up and down and the emotion of grief is personal and unpredictable so I must try to tell myself however I feel at any point "it's ok" 

Don't know if I should be saying all this ?! You might not agree of course but honestly I am trying to use some of the therapy in my day to day and for me! It seems to be helping. Also I have no one else really to talk to who would understand what the hell I am rambling on about

Elenium you asked how the boys were? They are dealing with their grief in their ways, eldest I don't think is really ready to deal with it yet I still think he is trying to compute what has happened. We talk daily and about Jill a lot but he is not ready to open up yet but he is coping better. Youngest is now seeking work in Suffolk as he wants to set up home with his fiancé and after a chat in which he seemed to need my blessing to go, he is now in Norwich for two interviews so potentially he will leave home soon . But that's ok!! He and his brother have lives to live, futures to plan and they would have both moved on even if Jill was still here, they just worry about me I know 

Sorry long one that wasn't it ?  Take care my friends love to you all and remember "it's ok " but don't feel guilty ....this disease took our special people not us , they all knew they were loved and we all did everything we could even though some days we don't think so 

I agree entirely! 

Counselling seems to be for me an unscrambling of my thoughts and feelings and presenting them back to me. Like your eldest I think I'm coming to see maybe that I am still coming to terms with Mum's death and dying days.  My mind is searching for answers and trying to make sense of the unfathomable. Along the way like you questioning if I did enough or the right things. It's a messy process. It ebb's and flows. None of it is wrong. Nothing will be the same again....but bits of normality we experience feel weird when we are struck again by their absence.

It is hard.

There are traumatic memories I think my mind is trying to sort out in to some order...why I don't know...they are awful. Why do they need 'tidying'?

Loved your post Yantibee.

El and others finding themselves near the edge...a hug....

Hope you're all sleeping now.

Hug jx

I'm still here x

hugs xx

wish I was strong enough to carry all of you through the times that it hurts the most.

watch for the brightest star,

listen for the bird that sings a song that your heart understands,

they've just stepped into the room next door and they'll be there when it's time for you to be together again.

in the time we are here alive it seems a long time yet it's only a few minutes in their time that we're apart. It's hard but try not to be sad as they feel what we feel, simply because of how close we are to those we love.

hugs xxxxxx