Having a bad day

Jenny. -  this Aunt should be ashamed of herself, although some people cant do emotion, was it the one in pieces at mums funeral? So she can! She seems very selfish. X

Hello all.

Dad laughed last night.  A break through. 

Elenium and Maisiemae letting go of their properties feels wrong.  We must though. You are both in advance of me here. 

I am menopausal too.  Hot flushes remained away as Mum was dying. Came back after then vanished again.  I get confused and forgetful not sure if this is grief or hormones.  My joints hurt.

Sue you're doing amazing things. Going away a great idea.

Bobles and Yantibee how's things?

Jx

Unknown said:

Sue. The reluctant lion. Enjoy your day, sounds wonderful. Also what a holiday that will be in September, cathartic, poignant and mum swims in the Med. (hope ive understood that right, you didnt get there with her before so you are taking her there). I miss calling mum after each 'xyz just happened'. well done you re Alans affairs, herculian task and f***wits can do just that. Takee good care of you x

I like your phrase 'reluctant lion's. Your words bout me up when I feel scared, mainly of the future. 

Yes you understood completely correctly re Mum & the Med. We were speaking after Alan & mines previous year's trip to Cala D'Or. That's when she said she'd always wanted to swim in warm sea. We'd always had to swim in the North Sea! So when she was coming from Canada in 2009 we found a villa with 2 bedrooms and booked it. Mum was so excited and had bought a new red (her fave colour) swimsuit. Then 3 weeks before we were due to go I had my crash! Cue 11 weeks in hospital & 5 weeks in rehab. Mum only came over once more, she found long haul travelling by herself too much. We couldn't afford to take her, something I bitterly regret. She'd have loved it.

I thought I'd finished Alan's bills, then another overpayment letter from DWP arrived yesterday. Oh well.

My trip to Derbyshire yesterday was a real tonic. The driver was really lovely, the coach wasn't packed, the scenery absolutely stunning. We went from Buxton to Bake well via the Snake Pass. Lots of photos were taken. In Bakewell I bought a lovely bracelet with the phrase "Forget-me-not"and a Forget-me-not metal flower on it. Whenever I wear it it'll make me feel closer to Alan. It's hard to believe he's been gone for 5 months now. After I got home last night I was reminded  of something my Mum told me after my dad died. She said the thing she missed the most was coming home after a day out & not having him there to share it with. 

Suexx

Jenny,

So pleased to hear about your Dad laughing. I don't know about you but it feels like happy emotions seem somewhat strange, although we know it's 'normal'.

Menopause?? I hate it! I don't feel the cold much anyway, so having my own nuclear power plant internally is horrible. When I wear a jacket, even the breathable type in the cold weather I take it off to find my top is soaked and my undies glued to my skin! Forgetful & accident prone too.

Hugs to all

Sue xx

It was good Sue. He cries more than laughs but it was a relief.  At this moment he's trying to pick up a single dropped baked bean with a grab stick....should be a party game! 

I get confused and clumsy too. Why would hormones do this? My brain used to be snappy now it's processes feel like they're trudging through treacle against a head wind.

Sorry about your Mum and the warm seas. Try not to regret as you had booked to go your crash prevented it. My Mum had wanted to see Florence but didn't. Also wanted a last pub lunch before she died but had got too frail to do it.  I regret not being at her last consultations with her as I had flu as I'd been at all the others and things were unclear as a result.  I regret a lot but with hindsight.  

We have to try to remember good bits.  I remember hugging mum quietly one very bad day. No words just a hug. I hope she knew then I cared and how much.

I've gone on a bit. ..

Dad got the bean!

Jx

Hello Jenny,

Yeah, go dad, bean wrangler! Bless and love him!

Hope all are plodding on and moving on, Yantibee, I don't know how you are doing but I am okay at work but come the weekend not so well. I know I should be moving on, Bob would want me to move on,he told me he wanted me to,  but I can't, still have his clothes, life contracted when he became ill, understandably so and "friends " disappeared On the surface and to all on the outside everyone says I am doing great but it's "early days", what does that mean?they don't know what it means or how life goes on in the way it is. I don't know how yet, I dare say/hope  it will come so at this time I am treading water, going through the motions of life and trying to look forward. Counting my blessings with wonderful children and wishing all who are going through /have been through this cancer hell all the positivity, hope and love I can.

Love to all.

Xxxx

Bobles it's so hard.  What does early days really mean.  

Weekends are hard.

I felt awful today for no particular reason.

I start counselling tomorrow. 

Dad feeling poorly today but not too awful. 

Bobles I hope we all get better days.  Hope that things get easier for us all.

This life changing experience is I find very hard to explain to others.

Hug.

Jx

First counselling session today.

Was interesting to be able to talk about things without thinking of the impact it may have on listener as it may do with family and friends. 

The summing up of first session included the words trauma, stress, trapped, burdened, responsibility, lack of 'me time', lack of support.

Followed by tea and cake. 

How are you all?

Jx

Hello Jenny, that sounds positive experience to start. Thank you for sharing.

How's your dad doing?

Love to all.

Xx

Well done, great step. Im sure you will find the experience helpful x