Having a bad day

hello all. whats it all about? im on a treadmill. Im just getting on but my head seems removed from my body. full on busy but my heart is on hold. we (feels like I) exchange on sale of mums today. No joy, sobbed yesterday when they told me despite me pushing to do it. My business body pushes for success but my mind doesnt want another ending. Meanwhile pup Mabel is smothered by my kisses and cuddles. she is clever beyond her weeks and today will use her laptop. Elenium, i want the trees we bought mum out of her garden but they are far too big. She loved her garden. Someone else will toil that soil - cant stand it.

It's all so bloody heartbreaking.  

My body hurts from clearing rubbish at Mums place. Just the garden.

Got back to take over with Dad last night.  My sister said Aunt phoned AT LAST. Said can't visit as her boyfriend finds it too upsetting. Sister said visit without him. Apparently as he's alone all week she doesn't want to leave him.. SO ANNOYING. 

She also asked if probate complete yet. YET!!!! I'm doing it all. The documents have possibly arrived at my flat but as I was clearing mum's garden in Sussex I don't know. Sis said she then asked if we're selling dad's place. No as he is alive and he and sis (and me to look after dad when needed) live in it.

We have had NO HELP and she lives 15 mins away.

I start counselling Monday. 

Today I'm repairing/doing up some things from mum's cottage to reuse or sell.

Sister got her first job since mum died starting soon.

I carry a scarf of mums everywhere and two tiny hand stitched  dolls hands....weird I know.

Hug to all.

Jx

Dearest Jenny, not weird at all! I have a bear called Darcy who listens to my deepest sorrows & fears. I feel guilty if I don't touch him & say Goodnight. He sleeps where Alan slept. 

As to your Aunt, wimpy son was afamant he wanted nothing to do with Alansfuneral, but he was the one pestering me about the arrangements!! I've had exactly 1 text from him, and an email from his wife since before Christmas! Their loss. 

I go through phases of sleeping ok then I'll need half a zopiclone for 2 or 3 nights. I find Sundays the hardest. Alan would come over every weekend & Sundays was often bike racing time. 

We all seem to be struggling at the moment. I hate it, these feeling of wanting to run away. I had a family email last week from 3 of my brothers. They're all having health problems at the mo, and I worry about them. Especially the oldest. He's looking at major surgery on his leg & his lovely wife is going downhill while waiting for a double lung transplant. I just want to hug them both so much, but as they live in Vancouver it's a tad difficult.

I'm glad I took my baby step for myself & am actually looking forward to my day trip on Friday. We go to Buxton, then through the Dales & finish up in Bakewell. I've also been ultra brave and booked my trip to Mallorca. I'll be there for my birthday in September. Unless I can afford it it'll most likely be the last time I can go. I'm going to scatter not just some of Alan's ashes there but some of my Mum's too. She'd always wanted to swim in the Med, and we were all booked to take her with us in 2009. Instead she visited me in hospital as I had my bike crash in the May! 

I paid the last debt on Alans estate yesterday, sure felt good.

I think I know what you mean about hating the new people at your Mums place. Even though Alan only rented I have no desire to go past there. Apart from the hoarding he'd done a lovely job of the garden. He used to say that to him gardening felt like therapy. He planted some apple trees that had fruit for the first time last year. I picked some of the fruit & he got to enjoy his first Lord Lambourne apple in years. I have to admit gardening does nothing for me, give me kitties anyday! Lol

I send all of you Virtual Hugs 

Sue xx

Feeling angry and sad. We've had an offer on mum's house which is bit under what we wanted but not too much. Me and GS want to accept it but the others are saying no. I've told them how hard it is for me but they're not listening or don't care. Is it all about the money for them???

Elenium I think it's all about them let alone the money.

I relate it to the inability of aunt to visit or phone Dad as boyfriend too upset about Mum as he cared so much.... i. e, grieving is his issue....yet I never saw him when dragging the wheelchair around...never had help physical or financial. until I harassed them for mums sake ..but they want to know if probate done yet....

You can wait a bit unless people are in desperate need.

Hug.

Jx

Jenny, why are families so crap?  What is the matter with your aunt??  She needs to get a grip.  I'm angry for you, although I'm sure you're plenty angry for yourself.

I've convinced them to take the lower offer.  I just want it sold now.  It's difficult for me knowing that the house is empty and I can't bring myself to go in there anymore.  I know it'll be just as difficult knowing that someone else is living there but at least I'll be able to move on.  I feel a bit in limbo at the moment.  I get upset every time I talk about the house so I just don't want to talk about it anymore.  I know that mum would be saying 'just sell it at the lower price, it's done then'   You see, they won't want it now...

I feel like all I do is take one step forward and ten steps back.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Hugs to all.

X

Started crying on the train home last night.  Luckily everyone was too engrossed in their phones to notice.  It hit me (again) that mum no longer lives round the corner and I won't see her anymore.  Those people still wanted the house and it's going through.  I'm glad mostly but part of me still doesn't want to give it up.  Felt so sad last night, cried for most of it and went to bed early.

Still feel crap today, glad it's Friday. 

How is everyone else doing?

Hugs to all.

X

Maisiemae, I know exactly what you mean but we need to move on.  This will help, in the long run.  Once it's gone you won't have to think about it and it's once less wound to heal.  At least that's what I hope.  I'm glad you've got Mabel to cuddle.  Are there other plants you could have out of your mum's garden?  

X

Sue. The reluctant lion. Enjoy your day, sounds wonderful. Also what a holiday that will be in September, cathartic, poignant and mum swims in the Med. (hope ive understood that right, you didnt get there with her before so you are taking her there). I miss calling mum after each 'xyz just happened'. well done you re Alans affairs, herculian task and f***wits can do just that. Takee good care of you x

Elenium - the emotional rollercoaster re yr journey and yr mums house, i do get it so very well. i just dont want to impart such annoying comments/thoughts as ive just been/going through same thing. Funny how all of us the key people in our loved ones lives are doing most of the adtermath emotions And work as well as during. May take a rose bush from mums if i get chance to go up. Still not exchanged although should have. Yes it will be another ending so i can move on but i so desparately cant move on as i want to stay right in mum, in her World with her smell and space., i wrapped an old shawl of hers around me when chilly in garden and it smelt strongly of her, it felt like a mummy hug. My emotions change daily not helped my going through the menopause, all that has happened and i was menopausal. Whatever that means. Wild with emotion is what i feel. Sorry gone on. Family rocks also need support and pleased you have GS x