Having a bad day

Morning Yantibee.

Yesterday was weird. 

Each time I nearly cried someone else did and I was again in carer mode.

Tired today.  Got to take Dad to bank.  He's perkier today.  We had the stopping dialysis conversation AGAIN yesterday. 

Yantibee my Mum was 76.  Until 74 she was swimming and cycling and walking.  Her cancer being diagnosed at 71 and her kidney removed.

Hateful disease.

Long may your Mum enjoy the fullest lfe.  

Hug.

Jx

Off to Mums place in Sussex now. The garden will be a jungle. The post huge....

Garden to be tackled at easter.

I'm taking a photo of her at the Italian market there...freezing cold in a large jacket....pointing to a photo of Inspector Montalbano...

Just ate some toasted mouldy bread..by mistake .hope that's not going to have a bad effect!

My boiler broke down so need to fix that when back.

The oath to swear for probate just arrived.

Daunted by today not sure how I'll feel.

Busy busy but broken heart....

Love.

Jx

You Take care Jenny x

Thanks Yantibee.

Quite nice here at the moment.  Lots of tidying.  Bit tired but OK. 

Jx

Dear all

my family is falling apart, mum was the glue. Fallen out irrepairably with niece. Sister cold, brother insane. grief comes in many guises. Ive never been one to lose my temper really but i have a rage within me. Mum said its probably menopause but she has blamed a multitude of things on that since i was 40. I want my old life back and the ability to not speak as i find, i cant colludr or pretend. people are struggling with my congruence and i will not have niece telling me i was different during mums illness but in a judgemental way, of course i was, juggling everything with incredibly little help, long distances and fear. I want so much to talk to mum about it all.  jenny, hope today at mums is not too difficult, elenium big hugs to you and Sue and Bobles and Yantibee and anyone else who wants some of my spare love.

x

The phrase 'you try it love see how it changes you' comes to mind. ..

Maisiemae stay as you are. ..your family I think/hope will find bits of it glue back together.  It may be different but still joined.

Having said that not sure whether I'll see my aunt again....

The train down here was bliss stared out of window with ipod blasting everything from faure's requiem to Caro emerald, joni mitchel and some Simon and garfunkel. The fields were so green.

Rustington is covered in flowers they enter a competition each year I think.

Strange to be here in silence.  Hope to sleep now.

Night all.

Jx

Forgot to say had my phone assessment for counselling today ...still suggested to me it's too early...I decide on Monday whether to start now or not...I don't know I've never been here before...

Jx

Listen to nobody just do what you feel. You know best. There are schools of thought which vary re grief counselling. Yr situation is so multilayered... Grieving daughter, caring daughter, woman trying to come to terms with your role in your own life without that much choice as you are deeply kind and caring so its not a decision its the only way there cld be x

Got home from work tonight, maybe it's because I am shattered after the long hard weekend in the restaurant but tonight Jill not been here was heavier than usual, more noticeable, I just want to hold her again. I asked her photo " why did you die? " she didn't answer, she just smiled back at me......I am sinking tonight feel like I am drowning in grief all over again it's not good, very busy, very in touch with lots of people yet very lonely and alone 

Hate this 

Yantibee I wish she was there for you too.  What do we do? These lovely people are gone when they still had so much life in them.

IT IS UTTERLY UNFAIR.

She didn't want to die.

My letter from Mum says 'I don't want to leave you but I have to. It's out of my hands'.

I hate this also.

Maisiemae thank you for being able to see me. Think you have a gift.

I am trapped. I really just want to get on a flight see my friends in Spain then go to southern Italy afterwards. Then face trying to find work again.  But the probate, house sale, and dad care more importantly keep me here.  Poor Dad his life is very miserable now and won't improve in time...very very cruel...

Today I go to the laundrette then buy a new loo seat...my life can't be beaten for glamour... I slept like a log here...

Jx