Having a bad day

Elenium. I understand I really do.  

There is no making up now for what was lacking before and knowing that is difficult. You love her but watching her busy about too late is an irritation. 

Guess work people just assuming all OK now...bloody annoying.   Things will never be the same again we just carry on but life through different eyes an aching heart and a great big hole that never can heal or be filled.

Love.

Jx

Ditto. You can try and join in or even be there and observe but our shapes have changed and our new square wont fit into the old triangle. Im hoping with time my 4 corners will soften. I sobbed like a baby yesterday as i did mums undies and nightie drawer and rest of her wardrobe. I was hysterical, witnessed by her neighbours who helped me, not my family although partner atiod in for flaky brother. Im throwing away history. Mums shopping lists i want to keep everything. my friends, we are now the leaders as our mothers have gone but they made us, they lost their mothers too, mum laughed again but she never stopped wanting her mum. Its a longing which we now will have. the challenge is to walk alongside it. Mum would be soothing me yesterday, loving me, saying all the right things for me. little maisiemae now has to self mother, im very much a novice!

Mum's 2010 diary got me. Just her dates in it and her handwriting.  Then the blue ribbon with ladybirds on it she had tied to a suitcase and an entrance ticket to the Coliseum Rome.  I feel awful sadness I want her here but don't cry much no idea why.  Feels like I'm too worn down to...all dried up..empty and numb?

No sense in it.

Self mothering classes needed.  I feel Mum would say don't worry about not crying at the moment. 

My Mum didn't mourn or miss her Mum as her childhood wasn't as it should be.  She left home at 15.  At her Mum's funeral she cried for her younger sisters and brother. I saw her mourn her best friend though but only briefly she was quite private about it.

Jx

Ps Mausiemae think I have you on whatsapp? 

(Newest version of your name above!)

Hello Elenium,

It is quite a while since i worked as a Community Champion for our Online Community but i still read many postings and occasionally reply to some of them. Can i just send you my deepest sympathies and say my thoughts are with you. Anger, frustration are both symptoms of grief, you have many reasons for both, the loss of a loved one is heartbreaking and even from my own experience i know you will get through this sad time i know it doesn't help very much at this time to be told that.

What i would like to do is just send you a big hug and to let you know there are many like you and me, we have all gone through similar troubles. Keep sharing and writing here on this site, i am sure it will help.

Big hugs , Terry xx 

Terry

not in anyway hijacking your msg to Elenium but you helped me when i first joined this community and noticed me participating from a hidden place, you acknowledged that which helped me so much to feel like i could belong. I do hope yr champion retirement is treating you well and your own journey progresses - i do believe you and thankyku for yr involvement which was integral to my journey with my sweet mummy. Yr wife would be so pleased you have helped so many. elenium, this is a wise man with huge integrity, i understand rage, to sadness to fury, to disbelief, i think we have to go through to see the other side whatever that looks like!! Surely prettier than here. Much love

I feel like I have a huge black cloud over my head.  I've had days like this before but not for a long time.  Usually I would go to mum on my black cloud days and she would make me feel better.  Now I'm having one because she is gone.  It's been a really horrible day.  I have tried to get through it but tonight had a sort of meltdown.  I'm so miserable and the slightest thing makes me fly into a rage.  It's  not fair, I just want my mum. 

My sister is now trying to do a big sister thing with me and I want to tell her it's too late but I'm managing not to.  Only the thought that mum wouldn't be happy with me is stopping me telling her how I really feel.

I can't stop crying.  My head hurts so much.  I just want a hug from my mum.

So sorry Elenium.

Am here. I can only give virtual hug for now.

Jxxx

Hello maisiemae, 

It is so nice to hear from you even under the sad circumstances of this site. I do hope you are doing well and i really appreciate the comments in your post. I am so pleased i was of help to you. It is by communicating in this group that we are able to give support to each other and that helps all ways. Together we can get through these sad times as many of us need help, i know i did, i still do but it does get easier. 

Elenium, keep sharing and posting on this site. Your words help others as well as yourself. All reading these posts will see that they are not alone. Rage, fury, distress are just a few of the symptoms of grief. Families are often the hardest to cope with but do share with us here because we understand, we have experienced many of these problems and we are all with you to give support, help and advice.

Love and big hugs to you all, Terry  

Elenium. For the record when doing mums clothes under time constraints i was hysterical. I wanted to smash something. Ive thrown things away which i know the history to. Just a bag to some, to me and mum so much more. My sister doesnt want a single item from mums. How weird is that. I sweated and lugged again clearing the house - neighbours helping. Not my family. Set up her husband in his new room in home. He has mums handbag. Im pleased that he loves having it. Evil times. Brings out a rage in me. Seems to leave my sister cold. My brother clearly is just selfish. Again middle child  does rage, heart and graft, without thanks!