Having a bad day

My Dearest Elenium. Of course you do. I want my mum too. I feel like a child again in some ways. On flight back from Amsterdam i cried and had to snuffle the sobs, as i looked out of the window above the clouds I prayed mum could see me as I was closer to heaven. I understand this sounds mad but I just want to be closer to her as her ashes are just that (at the moment). elenium, is there anything i can do, the best i think i can offer is totally and utterly understanding your longing especially when im sure you would have chatted to mum anout potential work change and everything else inbetween - much fondness x

Mum always made me feel better, whether that was because I was ill, upset, angry, anything really.  She always knew the right thing to say or do.  And she loved me no matter what.  I'll never, ever have that unconditional love again.  I talked to mum about anythiing and everything. We could spend all day together and never run out of things to talk about. She always gave the best advice.  I still can't quite believe that I'm never going to see her again.

I don't think there is anything anyone can do Maisemae, but thank you for the offer.  I know that you get it completely and that helps.

It doesn't sound mad, I would have been the same.

I hate my new normal...

Elenium,

Keep talking to your mum, she is listening, still loves you and the decisions and thoughts will come to you, maybe not immediately but they will.

I talk to Bob all the time about issues and decisions, maybe it is just giving me the confidence to go with my own thoughts but I still feel he is contributing to the joint decision, I don't like to feel I am on my own in this, I know physically I am, but he is still with me as your mum is with you because she loved you and knew you loved her, she left her imprint in you. You are your mother's daughter.

Xx

Hello Maisiemae,

This sounds like a lovely thing it might be to do. I can't make any promises, but if I feel I can make it, I will.

Take care, Anneteresa

Struggling a bit today. It's my last counselling session this morning. Last week I felt ok about it but not today.

Elenium sorry it's so difficult.  Sounds like waves of grief...some gentle some tidal.  Hope counselling people gave advice for future too.

I'm numb at the moment.

Off to hospice after dropping Dad think it'll be emotional being there without Mum.

Am due there at 12.  Think I'll have a quiet tea in the cafe.

Jx

Elenium and Jenny - hard hard times in such a different way to when the fight was mid battle, now a sense of huge loss and feeling lost. of course I've been a few steps in front as the loss not quite so recent and we are all different, what binds us is the battle and the continuing journey trying to fight through the fog and find out who we are not, Ive still no idea really, so the timing is really irrelevant and no idea why I even mentioned it, Id love to say in 4 weeks you will be sunny, I think this all depends entirely on an individual and I do hope Elenium you can extend the counselling, they often will or does the counsellor you have do private counselling as long as the organisation allows it, some don't, understandably.  Jenny, on the way to Cornwall on Thursday Im going to pop in and hopefully see the bunnies if they have set up the display.  I really want to.  Suspect the hospice has ongoing support for families? Thinking of you all and will post details Ive arranged to allow us to sit together at Southwark Cathedral as the organisers were empathic that open seating wouldn't help us to find each other!

In some ways seeing mums house would be comforting but in other ways Im pleased I can't just drive past her house. Going there tomorrow with a van to move more things, brother has flaked on me again, so somehow have to find someone to help me - Im fairly resourceful so will find a way but he just makes everything which is difficult harder. Along with that mums husband has his family asking to be in his Will and they have had no interest in 28 years. I could spit feathers. We continue to support him in the home unlike them. Bitter, yes I am rather today. x

Flakey people continue to flake. Aunt not bothered to call us.  I messaged her to ask if she is OK a couple of times ..she replied but not called to talk to dad at all. ..no surprises there.

Left bunnies am eating cake. Maisiemae left them with Caitlin who is lovely she'll display bunnies then sell at whatever price is possible.  It won't be what they're worth in terms of hours to design am sure but all helps. She wants them to display first as plainly loved them so much and one of their volunteers will probably dress nudist bunny who never got his handmade clothes.  I explained they were Mums most basic designs so letting them go was OK. 

Is emotional just being here but remains a peaceful place.  I'd like to die here when time came.

Jx

Maisiemae, I've had a look about transport to London on the 20th of May and it's do-able if no one decides to strike!! I can come down from Coventry by National Express then get the Tube to Southwark. I'll book the coach at the weekend. 

I collected the remainder of Alan's  ashes from the funeral home today, even though we're not going to Donington tomorrow. It feels better just having him here. I've also been playing with dates to possibly go to Mallorca in September. If I book directly through the hotel website I get a better price. I can't do anything though until I know how much, if any, money is left from his estate. I'm just waiting on a letter from Barclays to confirm date of death balances then I can get going on the probate, if indeed I need to apply for it. I don't know about the rest of you but this has been a steep learning curve.

Hugs to all

Sue xx