I feel so angry.. I dont know exactly what's happening and I feel I've been put in the worst postion as someone who loves someone with is unwell. It's such a toxic relationship. She is highly likely to have borderline personality disorder and it makes wanting to be there for her so much harder. She's blocked me from all calls/whatsapp because I felt i needed to be home to understand the situation better and really think about what supportive role im about to embark on if I even should?
How can i emotionally support someone when they block me from my own self care too? I just wanted to sleep... I'm so tired.
This journey would be a marathon and me even trying to make sure i have self care is something im not even used to as a person in my own development journey. A lot of my family and friends are telling me not involve myself because of how much I would be putting my self on the line. And i know they are right...
At this point, they have only found a slow growing mass in her small bowel and part of her liver. We don't know if it's cancerous... what stage... and in those days of unknowing I thought i should think about what's to come. Spoke to my mum who doesn't support the relationship because she knows how my partner is incredble demanding, controlling and her expectations are at times unreasonable in the essence that it doesnt acknowledge my needs too...
I dont know what to do.
I'm so angry that she's blocked me. She disappears all the time. then comes back like nothing happened.... this was before any diagnosis.. any hospital appointments. I've been at each one, despite being lied to.. despite knowing she always gaslights me... I showed up. All i wanted was proper acknowledgment of who I would be in this journey. Am i the partner? Am i the gf? Am i all the things she says when she lashes out for hours and hours... all those 300-400 messages in hte span of an hour. And this is all before any medical issues. So what will she become during treatment? Who will she be? How would she behave? I feel even the most kindest people would still have (and rightly so) anger, annoyance, frustration.. naturally some of it would be targeted at the partner.. but not through intention. Because recovery is HARD. but I dont know if i can be the person to already have wounds and taken on more.
Im so angry with her. Im so angry with her again trying to control me. Again blocking me to control the situation for her needs to be met. Her lies are so bad... I'm feeling so hurt... I dont know how to be ther for her and myself through this. I feel so guilty.. or like the a**hole if I step away. I know for sure she will call me so. Would she be right?
