Lonely - miss having a close friend/companion

I can relate to this very much. I've never had many friends at the best of times, and never anyone emotionally close to.

I've just lost my girlfriend too, yesterday, as she apparently "cannot be who I want her to be". Well I had wanted to see her a few times since being diagnosed with cancer over a year ago, not zero times, and I had wanted the odd phone call just to ask how I am and tell me she's there for me. It's a long story but in a nut shell, she's left me because I have cancer. I know this happens to a lot of people. I've had enough of trying to see it from her point of view and understand how hard it must be for her, when she doesn't seem to care about me and how much she hurts me.

So right now I'm in a bad way. Only one person on here stays in touch, nobody else does. A group I started going to out of desperation only has people over a generation older than me. It's just not helpful for me so I gave that up. I had a nurse befriend me months ago who I saw yearly with unrelated health issues, but she's disappeared and cancelled our August appointment and hasn't written or called for months. I'm very much on my own and cannot rely on anyone at all.

It gets worse too but I know from experience that people don't respond when you're down and feel like ending it all. I just have to accept I'm alone and will be for whatever time I have left.

Geoff.

Sad to read this Geoff and feel your fustration and disappointment.

I can absolutely relate to now being at that point where you're sick of being so understanding and considerate of others and how they are coping and what they're going through and for being the way they are etc etc... when it feels no one seems to be considering us in the same way.

As trite as it may sound, people can only be true to themselves and are right to do what's best for them (as painful and as disapointing as that is for those they impact).

All we can do is be kind to ourselves, grieve and try to process our feelings and experiences the best we can, and find the good wherever we're able. Hold on to that knowing that you deserve so much better, and therefore are best off without anything 'less'.

You're going through so much loss in many different ways, please make sure you reach out to any support in your area, as I know from experience there's lots of wonderful humans offering help, that we often don't realise are out there. Strangers have lifted me up so many times in the past when I've been metaphorically on the floor.  Look for the good, and keep looking  

(I'm aware that when we're angry and hurt and in a bad place, positivity can grate, it does to me anyway , I just hope you hear the message of 'don't give up on yourself, you're worth fighting for' - be forever kind to yourself, treat yourself to something you enjoy!)

Thanks for your reply.

It sounds like you understand what I'm going through very well.

The thing with my "ex", as I guess I have to call her now, is that I don't know and I don't think even SHE knows what's best for her. She is a very emotional person and often hides it, but she used to show it a lot more. I think that deep down she'll be in a terrible state because of the thought of losing me. So I have spent the last year trying to help her with that, and I've suggested all sort of things that would help both her and me. She's so cold though, she barely talks about it, she just wants to get on with going to work then moping at home later, mostly avoiding my messages. It's hard for me to know how to cope with it, but many times now she's told me it's best to end things. I can't go on forever fighting it, so I'm not any more. I still can't help feeling though that she doesn't really want to leave me, but she has no idea how to cope with losing me. She admitted not long ago that if we broke up and I died, she'd be just as devastated as if she was still with me. So she can't take it either way, so why not stick with me, try to support me, make happy memories with me, and maybe I'll even be ok for years to come? I've been through it all with her but it falls on deaf ears. She has other reasons not to visit me (it was a long distance thing) but mostly she didn't even tell me what the reasons were, other than one thing, which she could have managed with if she really wanted to.

I am supposed to be going to see a counsellor this coming Wednesday, which I booked because of what I'm going through with cancer plus how poor my relationship was. I just needed someone to talk to. Now, I have even more to talk about I suppose. I don't even want to go any more, I can't face it, but I shall try to force myself. I'd really rather talk to friends, sit with them and have a good cry and get some comfort from them, as a councillor is just for that hour or so, then I go home and I'm alone again. I've tried to find some local people like me but it's been fruitless. I've cancelled the other appointment I had this week for something that I was forcing myself to go to, as I just cannot take it and won't want to be there after losing my partner.

I've tried reaching out for help a lot but mostly nothing suits me at all. I also have trouble getting to places for embarrassing reasons I won't get into here, but a side effect of my meds makes going out a risk. I still go out, or at least I did, but made certain choices to give myself the least risk of anything going wrong (I'll just say it, I get diarrhoea lots cos of the meds and it can happen with no warning).

The only help I've found so far is (other than the odd person here), ironically, speaking to the doctors and nurses that I've encountered when having all the treatment and tests I've had since diagnosis. I talk to them as much as I can, as I'm so desperate to talk to people. Of course they aren't friends so it's only a help for a few minutes. I went for Immunotherapy 3 times and actually enjoyed it because it was painless, it was a crowded room and people just sat there and talked to strangers. I WANTED to go! Then my body rejected the treatment, I ended up in hospital for several days with Colitis, and now I can't take those infusions any more. For a short time after that I went through weekly infusions for something to counteract whatever the Immunotherapy did to my body, but it was at a different place and everyone was so spaced out, I never spoke to anyone there other than the doctors and nurses.

I found it close to impossible finding friends or more than friends before I was sick, but now it's absolutely impossible. I've already tried contacting a couple of people I used to know, which I know is silly as we lost touch for a reason. I'm desperate though.

You're SO right that positivity can grate! It can do, yea, but people mean well of course and I know that.  :)

I feel like I've hijacked your thread with my own problems. I'm sorry about that. It's just that when I read your first message in the thread I just had to write to tell you how much I understood you, and explain why.

Thanks for listening.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff,

So sorry for the delay in responding, had a terrible time of it and unfortunately my MO is to retreat until I feel able to be sociable again.

Anyway, firstly no need to apologise at all, you've not hijacked anything, this is what these posts and threads are for (I assume), I wanted to invite others to share 

I hope you did force yourself to go to your counselling session. I know it's not the same as talking to friends and other people in a more natural and reciprocal way, but I find mine so very helpful, so I hope you persevere, or find another if the one you have isn't a good match. But of course counselling isn't for everyone, but it's an opportunity to talk at least.

I'm guessing your ex has no other way to deal with her emotions than to avoid, shut down, and flee. And I can imagine she will indeed struggle with her choices once you've passed, but it sounds like she just can't cope with the thought of the end. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you, or for her, and I don't know how other couples navigate it, it must be so painful all round!. I agree with your thinking though, making memories and spending as much time as you can together is the most logical thing, and life is uncertain at any rate, so living for now is the better option in my opinion.

I also think a lot of us have compassion for your challenges re your bowels and many can relate too, so please don't feel embarrassed. It certainly does add extra barriers to socialising eh! I can just about manage my toileting for now, but I've not been the same at all since treatments, but my energy and mobility issues do stop me trying to join in with things I wish I still could. It's so frustrating and difficult adjusting to new ways of living. My world and body is so drastically different, it's something I constantly battle with.

Sending hugs 

I'm sorry you've had a tough time lately. Life is horrible at times isn't it? It's nice to hear from you again anyway.

Yes I did go to counselling. It went pretty well and the lady was very nice. I did talk a LOT which is typical of me! We even overran by 10 minutes as just before the session ended I told her something that worried her, so she wanted to ask a bit more to make sure I'd be ok. I also went to a drop-in thing at the same place on Thursday.

I think you're right about my ex. She has lots of emotional struggles already, so dealing with me having cancer would have been one more huge thing added to her list of stresses. I feel very badly for her, but I don't see what I can do to help. I have tried so hard but nothing I said or did helped. It's been about a week and a half now since things ended and I haven't heard anything from her. I don't know if I want to now, it would certainly be tough to know how to handle it if she got back in touch. I sort of hope she does, but sort of hope she doesn't.

Thank you for being so supportive and kind, especially about my bowels! The damn things, whoever invented bowels needs to be punished.

From what you wrote you seem to have more physical/body issues than me, so life must be a real battle. Cancer is just so unfair, and an incredible number of people suffer with it.

I have scans this coming week to see how things are progressing for me. I can't say I'm looking forward to any of it. The scans themselves aren't too bad, especially the CT that's simple and quick. The MRI isn't though, it's over half hour I think as they'll scan my head and all down my spine. Yikes. Then I'll have results on the 16th.

Take care,
Geoff.

Hi Geoff, that is alot.  I can relate to the friend one.   I didn't not have many friends but that is beginning to change.   Very frustrating where your treatment is concerned.   And having to live with your set of side effects.  That happens to me sometimes. 

I do believe in positivity because that's good just gets you through but I also allow for the not good days

So Im empathetic to how you feel

Hi, and thanks for your nice message. Yea the side-effects are worse than the cancer, it's nuts. I know a lot of people have the same issues. In fact my side-effects are less than many people get, so I guess I should be grateful for that.

I try to be positive - I have my good and bad days. Today is quite a good day actually, partly thanks to people here and also the fact I've done loads of exercise today with relative ease.

See you around,
Geoff.

I used to always use exercise to improve mental health.  My mobility makes that hard.  But I do a form of swimming and am grateful for that.

Glad your having a good day

Same re exercise and mental health and now being incredible immobile.. though I'm hoping to find a way to improve things with something gentler, but then the fatigue is another battle you have to laugh eh 

One thing at a time

Hi folks

I'm wondering if any of you are close to a Maggies Centre as they appear have regular meet ups that you can attend, and possibly other activities too. I've not tried them myself but I was handed a leaflet last time I had an outpatient appointment. Might be worth checking that out in case there's something of interest.

Also, I think I've read somewhere on this Web page that Macmillan can offer a telephone buddy service whereby you're matched with a volunteer who has experienced the same or similar cancer for a weekly phone call. I'm sure if you phone the helpline number they'd offer advice on how it works and maybe even point you in the direction of support groups etc which are operating in your area. 0808 808 0000 is the number.

It's good that you've found each other to talk to here as well though and I hope that things improve.