Feeling quite depressed after a relationship breakup during chemo

I don’t know if anyone will read this or perhaps feel the same or something similar but I think sharing some of my story here will help me come to terms with all the feelings I’ve been experiencing.

I went to my GP in April having found a lump in my neck, he examined me and referred me to the ENT department at a local hospital with a specialist. I had the referral with this specialist and he put a camera down my nose and could see some swelling in the affected area. I was then referred for an ultrasound and a biopsy was taken from the area where I found the lump. A couple of weeks later the doctor told me that I had Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Having read a bit about finding a lump in your neck could be a sign of Hodgkins Lymphoma (I was also experiencing the B symptoms of weight loss, night sweats and itchy skin) and was shocked as there isn’t any history of cancer in my family. I don’t think I went through being angry or wondering “why me” when I was diagnosed, I just accepted it and knew that treatment was the only option I could take. My mum came with me to all the hospital appointments and was pretty distraught when we got the news of the diagnosis.

When I was diagnosed I was in the very early stages of a relationship and I kept him in the loop with all the appointments I’d had and tried to keep me from going down the rabbit hole of it definitely being cancer before we knew all the facts. We’d dated for a couple of months before getting into a relationship and we spent that time building a good foundation of honesty and trust that we both felt had lacked in previous relationships. We both felt very safe with each other in sharing our feelings and knowing that we wouldn’t be judged for the way we felt.

My boyfriend came with me to the first haematology appointment where I met my consultant. I remember walking into the hospital with him and seeing other people having chemo and saying to him how bleak it all looked. My consultant did say that I could have the option to freeze some eggs before starting chemo in case the treatment made me infertile. We had discussed pretty early on in dating stage that having children was something that was important to us (I was more on the fence and said I’d only want to have children with the right person rather than just having kids for the sake of it) so I said I wanted to go down the fertility preservation route. I think I chose this path more because I knew he wanted to have children and he asked before I’d had my eggs collected if I ever wanted to have kids with him in the future and I said I would. It made him so happy and it gave me some hope that our relationship would be able to get through the cancer diagnosis and recovery.

I’ve been struggling on and off with depression and anxiety for many years before getting diagnosed with cancer. My main problems were low self esteem from previous relationships, feeling abandoned by my father, my mum struggling to raise 2 kids and just generally having a very low opinion of myself.

When I had the second meeting with my consultant I went with my mum to the appointment. One of the nurses asked if anyone would be able to move in with me as the treatment plan they proposed was the most aggressive they could offer due to my age (I’m 30) and would give me the best chance of beating cancer. Knowing that my relationship was still fairly new, moving in with him would have been too much so my mum asked her sister if I could stay with her during my treatment and recovery. I also wasn’t able to stay in the house I was renting because there were issues with damp and black mould which wouldn’t have been good for my health.

I started chemo in mid July and the treatment plan was 21 days for each cycle with the first 3 days being receiving treatment in hospital, being discharged and then going to a local hospital as a day patient for day 8 chemo.

The hospital where I needed to be admitted as an inpatient to get my chemo was the same place where my boyfriend’s Dad was taken after a sudden heart attack at work where he died and also his Grandfather had passed away there too. I knew and appreciated that it would be difficult for him to go there to visit me and I was very moved when he overcame his fear of this hospital and visited me every time I was admitted for treatment.

When I was discharged from hospital I could feel that I was isolating myself from my Aunt and Uncle and generally feeling a bit uncomfortable around them as I didn’t get to know them properly growing up so found it easier to pretend to be more tired than I was rather than spend time with them. I was always very grateful for everything they’d done for me and letting me stay with them whilst I went through treatment but I just got it in my head that I was a massive burden and generally causing lots of problems. I kept feeling really guilty about isolating myself and they noticed that I was withdrawing from me but I didn’t know how to stop.

They’d had a holiday booked before finding out about my diagnosis so I knew I would need to live with someone else for a few weeks whilst I was away. There was some tension as ideally I would have gone to stay at my mum’s but my brother had moved in with her whilst he is trying to buy a house with his girlfriend and brought two of his cats along with him. So being around 3 cats (my mum has a cat of her own) and a much smaller house, there wouldn’t be enough space for me to recover comfortably and there was the added risk of picking up infections from the cats whilst I’m immunosuppressed. I told my boyfriend that my Aunt and Uncle were going on holiday and without hesitation he said that I could stay with him whilst they were away.

I had a PET scan towards the end of my 2nd cycle of chemo but a few days after I was back in hospital to start my 3 chemo cycle. Before treatment with this cycle, one of the doctors visited me on the ward and I asked if there was any news about my scan and she said (though caveatted she was not an lymphoma specialist) that it was good and there was no trace of the disease showing in my body. I was surprised by this news as I’d been expecting best case scenario I’d have 4 cycles of chemo minimum but she said this was the results they’d expected from 2 cycles of chemo. I was quite confused then why I’d not been contacted by my usual consultant and told this news and why I was in hospital again for another cycle of really aggressive chemo that I might not actually have needed. 

I was discharged after this 3rd cycle and whilst I didn’t experience the same sickness from the treatment that I had during my 1st and 2nd cycles, I felt very depressed and worried that one of the reasons why my consultant hadn’t shared the scan news with me was that it had spread to other areas of my body and further treatment wouldn’t work. I called the haematology nurses and asked them for a reason why a consultation with my doctor hadn’t been made and she said it had been discussed at the MDT meeting and read some of the report from my scan over the phone to me. This gave me some reassurance but I still didn’t know why I had to wait so long to have a meeting with my doctor to discuss my treatment and experiences whilst having chemo.

I went over to stay with my boyfriend whilst my Aunt and Uncle were on holiday a couple of days ago. I had some doubts about whether our relationship would be able to make it through another cycle of chemo and all these negative thoughts and feelings I was having about myself.

We were always very honest and communicated well with each other about our feelings and always felt safe with the other to share if something was bothering us. As I went through chemo I could feel that I was changing. I couldn’t feel any joy or happiness and I could see that my boyfriend knew I was struggling but didn’t know how to help me and most likely felt pretty helpless. Times when we were together felt more like we were just friends rather than lovers. I wanted to be able to give him the love and affection you deserve in a relationship and I felt from this experience of getting cancer and having chemo that it was something I had lost the capacity to give him. I struggled with sexual intimacy as it stopped feeling pleasurable when I started chemo and I didn’t want to make him feel like I was rejecting any of his advances because I was no longer attracted to him, I just didn’t want to do anything sexual because my mood was so low and I didn’t enjoy it. 

We both eventually came to the agreement that it would be best if we ended the relationship and be friends. The enormity of starting a new relationship and one of the partners getting diagnosed with cancer was too much for the relationship to bear. I am very grateful that I met him and for the brief time that we had together before I got my diagnosis and we were happy. I still love him but the experience of chemo made me fall out of love with him. I believe  that he was the right person for me but just at the wrong time.

We decided to just be friends but still very upset that it didn’t work out and mourning a future we could have had together had I never been diagnosed with cancer. My relationship probably broke down because I have low self esteem and have such an ingrained self belief that I was being a burden to everyone. Everyone I’ve said I’ve felt like I’ve been a burden to has assured me that I’m absolutely not but I still feel this way. I felt guilty that whilst the chemo was changing how I felt about myself and others that the kindest thing would be to end my relationship and allow him to move on and find someone else who is able to give him what he deserves.

I have had some low moments wondering what my future will look like and worrying if I will be able to find someone to love and have a happy and healthy relationship. Even before I got diagnosed I felt being single at 30 that I was “on the shelf” with other people my age getting married, having children etc and I was nowhere near close to achieving any of that. I hoped that future is what I could have had with my ex had the cancer not happened. I was feeling very listless yesterday and had a strong desire that I no longer wanted to be alive. I’d been through so much with the chemo that I just wanted my suffering to be over. I called the haematology nurses and said that I no longer wanted treatment. I called Mind, my local mental health response but I found some hope when I called a cancer support helpline for when you were feeling unwell.

I just burst into tears and told the lady on the helpline (who had been through the cancer journey herself too) that I was going through a mental health crisis and that I no longer wanted to be alive. She listened to me and said people can change once they have chemo and don’t feel and act in the ways they would have normally done before starting chemo. She also told me that it’s not uncommon for relationship breakdowns to happen during chemo treatment and those feelings that I held about being a burden to everyone was normal given the amount of stuff that chemo throws at you emotionally and physically. It felt so nice to be able to talk to someone who could understand what I was going through having been through it themselves. I am very lucky and grateful to everyone in my life who has supported me through my cancer journey but none of these people have actually had cancer so I felt quite lonely at times and just wanted to find someone my own age who also has cancer.

I’m still feeling quite depressed about everything but having spoken to this lady I don’t feel like I want to die anymore. I’m not particularly keen about having a final round of chemo given how previous ones have made me feel, but I owe it to myself to give myself the best chance to beat this and have the best life possible.