Feeling Low After Discussing Changing Plans and the Future without for my wife

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It was a conversation that needed to be had. We have to abandon the renovation of out old farmhouse and conserve the cash to cover the possibility that I will die from cancer. My wife will need the money for her old age. Desperately emotional and leaving me stuffed. 

it’s a contingency we must plan for.

I feel my world falling apart - all the things I loved and loved doing almost seem like a thing of the past. A numbing funk has taken their place.

leo

  • Hi Leo1.

    Really sorry to read that you are going through this. When I received my incurable cancer diagnosis back in June 22, I was halfway through renovating a little house I had bought. it was literally a building site! My cancer diagnosis came out of the blue. I really didn't know what to do....do I put the half-finished house back on the market? It won't make its full value. Do I continue, and hope to complete it? Do I leave this mess for other people to sort?

    My decision was to continue with finishing the house, and to enjoy living in it. My cancer, after immunotherapy, is stable so far. Two friends offered to help me finish the repairs and re-decorating, which was wonderful. Having the house as a project to focus on has been a good 'distraction activity' for me....stops me thinking about the cancer, or feeling I'm just waiting to die.

    I have no idea how long I might have left...I haven't asked my oncologist, but no-one can actually predict this. 

    My point with all this info is that you, and your wife, cannot predict the future. You enjoy doing your house renovation, and love your house. Yes, planning for the future, and being financially secure is important, but so is having a future that you will enjoy! And that you have the motivation to have as much of as you can. 

    You cannot know what the future may bring for your wife either...

    I would suggest that you take more time to mull over your options. These are huge decisions to make!  Even deciding to sell your farmhouse and move is a very stressful thing to do when you are ill, so staying put may be a better idea. Maybe you could finish some areas, and leave others for the time being. Maybe you could cut back on your original ideas, and do something simpler? Cheaper?

    Are there other people you could talk this through with? look at other options?

    I hope you are able to reach a decision that both you and your wife are comfortable with.

    Hugs Candysmum

  • Hi  

    What a lovely post! I really enjoyed reading your story, and what you’ve achieved. Absolutely wonderful. 

    I’ve chosen since my diagnosis to focus on things I want to achieve-starting with booking a long haul holiday on the very day I received a “Ned” result after my first line treatment was complete. I  went on that trip exactly   a year to the date of being diagnosed. 

    I am “lucky” in the sense that I haven’t had an incurable diagnosis, but life hasn’t been without its issues in the last 4 years-becoming disabled, having more surgery for something non cancer related and sundry other problems. Currently waiting a referral for something else-it never ends! But I haven’t changed my view that life is to live and we deserve to enjoy it. I refuse to “save” for a future I may never experience. I prefer to experience it now. 

    No-one knows how long we have, and I told my consultant a number of years ago that she was never to tell me. I just want to live my life doing things I am able to, and not worrying about a future I can’t predict.

    I hope you are thoroughly enjoying your property and your life in it, and am delighted to see that you are stable.

    Sarah xx 


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  • You are right. I discussed your post with my wife, we have changed our mind. Your post was lovely and profound, and I am very grateful. Leo

  • Hello Leo1

    Oh, you have no idea how pleased I am to hear this news! I have been checking in to the forum frequently, wondering what has happened to you, and if you'd reconsidered everything. I'm so glad you've posted again.

    I'm so relieved! When you have a strong attachment to a place, a determination to fulfill something, or even a strong attachment to a person, it takes a lot to walk away from it and accept something 'lesser'. There is never a 'good' time to get a cancer diagnosis. It can happen at the most awkward times, and it is a life-changer, but it does not have to upset all of your plans or dreams, as Sarah said too.

    I really do hope you can both go forward together, in your farmhouse....finished or not! 

    Make the most of your time in it, and many happy memories! Best of luck!

    Thanks for posting again

    Hugs

    Candysmum

  • Candysmum, thank you so much for being so caring, it is quite wonderful of you. The decision feels right, to both of us. I was walking out in our field adjoining our house this morning, the sun was shining, and the cockoo was singing, it was marvellous. So staying put. Wife looks very visibly relieved. All the very best to you, Leo