Feeling at a bit of a crossroads and hoping that writing will help. I started therapy again once I had recovered sufficiently from my hysterectomy and knew that I didn't actually have to go through the radiotherapy due to being positive for POLE.
The therapy is more for the CPTSD due to childhood abuse rather than specific to the cancer, but the gynaecological nature of the cancer has triggered further struggles. One of my struggles boils down to feeling that people felt able to offer support for the cancer in a way they can never do for the trauma related stuff (alot of this is down to me and my defences so not an attack on others). I have had a few weeks away from therapy, due to Easter and caring for my grandson and foster child during the school holidays and part of me really doesn't want to go back to it as I am "fine" whilst I am busy.... although saying that, my mood took a major nose dive on Sunday and I was struggling during the down time in the evening and I am not sleeping well (partly due to bladder issues post hysterectomy and a bad back). I know deep down that I need the therapy to process stuff and have a "safe space" to release my darker feelings and thoughts, but I feel worn down and tired of it all
Hello B74
I can understand that you are feeling a bit at a crossroads and I know that for me writing things down can help- sort of get your thoughts in order. I used to make lists- worries on one side, what I could do about them on the other side and then screw them up and throw them away.
I am glad that you have been able to start some therapy again and I hope that it will help. If nothing else, a safe place to be able to acknowledge the difficult feelings. To be dealing with all of your past trauma whilst dealing with the physical effects from the surgery must be challenging. It is not surprising that you feel tired and worn down by it. I have found myself sometimes it can feel easier to try to keep busy but then that adds to the tiredness and strain of "being fine". Then it still has to come out. But I do get that dealing with the other trauma is what is needed and is the hardest.
I don't have any answers that will help but I hope that knowing you are being heard in some small way helps. You are not alone.
Jane
