Coming upto 2yrs on 5th May

Hi everyone. 

I am 53yrs old and lost my loving partner Cheryl 42yrs old on 5th May 2022.

Cheryl battled on for 3yrs with stage 4 cervical cancer. 

During this time I solely cared for her every need .

We only had visits from District nurse every 3 weeks or so to change her permanent cathata, sometimes earlier if it blocked which it did many times.

I watched as this horrendous illness took away everything which was Cheryl. 

Things I witnessed, I thought how cruel and undignified this illness was. 

Cheryl already dealt since the age of 12 with type one diabetes and that in its self was a daily task of injections and monitoring. 

Cheryl was diagnosed in 2019 and treatment was coinciding with the national lockdown and epidemic. 

I would do anything for my lover and to see her decline really tore at me and it has scarred me for life.

Cheryls final month meant cleaning her bed,floor leading to on suite and her lower half of her body ,which she found undignified. 

Her cathata began filling with faeces which was causing many of the blockages and her short walk to the on suite  was a messy task as she had no control over her bowels.

What really plays on my mind is her final days lying in bed ,not waking up at all and the length between each breath.

This is not how I should be remembering g Cheryl but I can't escape from that vision. 

I've had bereavement counselling in the early days and had 10 sessions.

They helped me get out from a dark place before my weekly appointment and leave happier.

Rime has past and now I rarely go out ,only for walking my dog or shopping. 

I don't socialise at all.

My hygiene has gone out the window.

I have no motivation to do a long spell of house work and only do it in short bursts.

Cheryl would be disappointed with my lifestyle and she would know that's not me.