Just keeps coming...

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Rant warning

Today has been one of the hardest days since being diagnosed with Her2+/ER/PR+ breast cancer in March. I am SO angry. It's so unlike me. I am so f'ing sick of this. Six months of chemo, targeted therapy injections... every side effect they listed and some new ones. Had mastectomy 3 weeks ago and the incision blistered. Developed an allergy to all dressings during chemo. Not sure if necrosis or healing. Re-dressing and seeing surgeon twice a week. Always with a bag just in case admitted for IV antibitiotics and taken back into surgery. I'm on oral antibiotics, 3rd week. I had a mastectomy with temporary implant. Hoping to have DIEP flap reconstruction within a year.

Good news was no radiotherapy needed now but the way they explain it is that we then can do that later if needed (I hear it's definitely going to come back). They found micrometasitis in one lymph. Very small amount. (I hear lymph nodes involved). 90% response to chemo... so I'm celebrating in my head. Worth it. But no, 10% residual left in the tissue means I need to switch from injections until june to more chemotherapy until October 2024!! Will it never end! 

I am normally the poster girl for positivity and don't feel sorry for myself but I just feel like I have run a marathon, celebrated as I crossed the line and now someone's said, 'oh no, that's not the line... you need to start another marathon. Go on... get going!!'  I'm so knackered. I felt so guilty and didn't want to tell my family and friends. They've all been so good and are equally exhausted. They've done the flowers, cooking, childcare... time off work etc. How do I ask them for another year!? Everyone constantly says, your so strong, so brave, you've got this. Well I don't got this! I don't want to be strong today. I am not brave, I have no choice and given the choice I would run in the opposite f'ing direction!!

We're skint. I took a retraining career break from six figure salary just at the wrong bloody time. All back up has gone. No HR department to back me up. No sick pay. I can't commit to anyone to work. I've got 3 appointments this week at hospital. Another by phone and that's if I'm not admitted. I've got to have endocrine therapy and have gyny issues on top of that. How do we survive?!? Both self employed. No work. No pay. Kids. 

My husband doesn't talk. Silence is his de facto. He's been through hell and wants me to be happy. I've lost my libido. I try but it's gone. Physically and mentally I can't. I know it's hurting him. The guilt is hurting me. We desperately need each other but can't find the same language. 

I'm just having a really bad day. I'll pick myself up. If you've read this far, thank you for listening and letting me offload. 

xx

  • Hello LKM, welcome to the forum that nobody wants to join, i really am sorry  about your diagnosis I too am part way through my cancer journey. I may have a pair of breasts, courtesy of treatment but i still see myself as male, "mostly", and as a man can i first apologise for your husband, Sadly it seems to be a male thing to bury your head in the sand. Maybe you could try counselling, My hospice recommended it to us and it really helped. But i can empathise with you regarding a lot of what you said, I think the emotional side and side effects are pretty standard with cancer, the fatigue ,being  over emotional, self doubt, crying and brain fog especially, regarding chemo 2 of my friends had it for breast cancer and they both had to return for more i too developed an allergy Anaesthetic now that's a bummer, had to give up work too and always carry an overnight bag. I can even empathise regarding your libido, hopefully mines not gone forever either, I can also understand why you get get fed up with hospitals, doctors, tests, treatments and then more appointments. Anyway it seems you have great support from friends and family and maybe even hubby soon. they say cancer treatment is 50% medical and 50% down to you. LKM you have been through an awful lot lately, you have to expect bad days like the rest of us, please take care