I’ve lost my husband even though he isn’t dead

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Hi all,

I’ve found myself in the most upmost turmoil. I love my husband dearly. I loved him before we were even a couple but I physically feel like I hate him. I really really do not like him.

he has stage IV melanoma with brain mets. All currently stable but he is on steroids due to necrosis.

from even before diagnosis i have been the giver. I lolked out for symptoms researched, took him to appointments ensure we had the rught info. He can’t drive cause of epilepsy and i look after him and our 3 kids. I went back to work and the kids are in school and looked after because he is unable.

my problem is now is that i resent him so much before I have done everything in my power for him but he is just awful! He is rude and ignorant and just always so woe is me. He is not dying. He is living with a stable brain met. He never has a pleasant thing to say to anyone or anything. He does housework and expects an applause and if i say leave a dish in the sink to xome back to i am the worst in the world.

He also low testosterone and now suffers from ED so we have not had sex since June but he was never one to show love or intimacy much before anyway.

i have loved this man with every ounce of my being. I have forgiven him for loads over the years. I have taken it on the chin i have done everything to keep our family together because i adored rhis man. Now he is sick he cant even be bothered to chase up his doc if he has symptoms. He cant eat better or exercise to lose weight even though he complains about the weight gain. He doesn’t seem to care about being a around long enough for our children to grow up. Like there is no living life ro the full here.

i no longer have a husband but another child and feeling like this guilts me so much but i am lost and i dont know how to survive this. He didnt ask to get sick but i didnt ask for this either. I am 31 and our kids are 2 5 and 7. Like i dont get how he doesn’t care enough to try to get healthier for them. I honestly just dont know how long I am meant to be miserable and in a marriage without love and joy just because he has cancer? Am i so awful to feel this way

B74 7 months ago

I have come back to your post a couple of times as I believe you deserve someone to respond. I can hear the pain and grief in your post and I really do empathise that you feel this way. I am just not sure whether this is the best forum to get the response that you may need. As someone waiting to hear the results of staging following surgery, all.i can say is cancer has thrown me into an existential crisis and left me struggling to keep motivated etc, so I don't know how it is for your husband when he knows he has an advanced cancer.

I wonder if you would be better placed looking for support from the relationship perspective as I am not sure that it is the cancer causing the issues. Maybe more about looking for other supporting factors for your husband, but also for you. It would definitely be worthwhile for you to seek out some counselling for you to explore your struggles.

I hope my post feels supportive, that was my intention x

Dorisw 6 months ago

I hear you. I send u big hugs dealing with cancer in a partner is so bloody hard xx no advice but sympathy and acknowledgement as to how u feel. I feel similar its all about illness and leaves little joy or happiness xx

McGinger 6 months ago

Hallo. I'm totally with you on this one. My husband had stage 4 prostate cancer. He wasnt the best communicator before he had cancer - and now he is totally useless. I loose my temper with people because I can't loose my temper with him - and them I feel totally guilty and upset and 'no-one understands what this is like' miserable. I'm so glad I read your post - I'm not alone - and neither are you.

Alottment lover 6 months ago

Hi Mckeago92, and welcome here. It sounds like you are in an extremely difficult situation.

When someone you care for is seriously ill it can expose issues that are already there in a relationship. You've been very honest in your description of your marriage both before and after the current diagnosis. Whilst we have jobs and children that keep us busy when you are forced to stop and face the mortality and reality of the man you love/loved. It's painful, heartbreaking and you can see a way out. Your children I'm sure are feeling it too.

When we're diagnosed with terminal but stable melanoma it's not an easy road to be on that's for sure but personality traits don't change overnight and as you say his ways of behaving are not all new but now they may be very exposed to you. You certainly deserve someone to talk to about this. I think right now you can't separate the husband with stage 4 cancer from the husband before diagnosis so I'm not convinced a relationship counsellor is the way to go hon.

My brother was in a similar situation and the local hospice team's bereavement team are supporting him really well. Yes you can ring them yourself. Your husband should already have had a referral to the local palliative care team, if he hasn't you or your husband's GP can do a referral.

On this website you could try joining the page just for carers. I know you're not alone in feeling like this for sure and maybe someone on there may have other suggestions for you. Hang on in there xx

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