Where did all the love go...?

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I've been with my partner for more than 30 wonderful years, great friendship, love, sex and togetherness. But it's all come to a halt since my prostate cancer diagnosis, or almost certainly before ... She left for work this morning with a cursory 'peck on the lips', but last night was telling ... she held my hand for about ten minutes, after which there was no body contact - she cocuned herself in the sheets/blankets, and I was left trying to sustain warmth. Throughout the disturbed night (hot flushes) she took more of the bed clothes until I was left with the bare minimum. At 04:30 a.m. I tried to regain some warmth, only to be met with the comment "Leave me alone ,dammit".

By 06:00 I was frozen, and got out of bed to start my day by giving her a cuppa, shortly thereafter. She emerged from bed at 08:30 and just wanted her breakfast, then prepared for her (volunteer) work day, leaving at 09:30. Quick peck on the lips - no other conversation, and I'm sitting here wondering "Why, what - should I even bother ?"

I've lived with her, without sex for 12 + years, (Oh it's painful,,,) but supported both of us since early retirement 23years ago. Now I have prostate cancer and have realised I'm just here as a financial 'blanket". Not once has she deemed it necessary, or acceptable, to come to any of my appointments - her life is more important, so she goes to the coffee shop with her 'friends'. iI'll all be good once I'm out of the way - what a mug I've been! I've always done my best for her - at my expense - expensive jewellery, world-wide holidays, everything she wanted, etc. but whenever I made a decision to purchase anything she hadn't previously sanctioned, it was always 'wrong' and I shouldn't have bought it. I'm not allowed to deliver a surprise without her 'say-so'. So here's a decision that's all my own...

I will not accept any future treatment

I'm re-writing my will in favour of charity

I am instituting a "Do not resuscitate" instruction

She will receive nothing

My love for her is at an end... I am broken!

  • Hi AndyK welcome to the forum and I am sorry to hear about what's happening for you. I can appreciate about how you will be feeling, hurt upset and angry right now but I would urge you not to do anything in haste that may have repercussions for you both.

    I note from your post that things started to change when you got your diagnosis, but it seems things were ok before that and what relationship you did have suited you both. Have you tried to sit her down and have a chat about all this? It sems sometimes things go unsaid to make sure that you don't upset the other and what then happens is people start dancing on eggshells with pent up emotions and none spoken off.  If you felt that you could chat with someone re how you are feeling, what about giving the Macmillan Line a call and have  chat with one of the people there. 08088080000

    gail

     
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  • Hi Andy,

    I am new to the forum, and newly diagnosed and my best friend for so many years, may as well be a millions miles away- that was until last Monday when I deliberately picked a fight over something really trivial knowing it would annoy him snd that I went on about it the more he would wind himself up.......until. bang there it came,all his anger about my cancer. Not the best way to get him to talk.

    Anyway my point is,maybe your wife is scared. ,? Not only of your diagnosis,but of how it has made her feel about herself snd her behaviour so as the previous post suggested perhaps try talking to her.

    Best wishes

    Tiac

  • I am so desperately sad to hear your plight. After all your years of support and love, this is the time you need to be loved back. Sadly we can't write a script for others and at a time when you are at your most vulnerable, you certainly don't need these very dark thoughts. It sounds to me that you have been Mr Wonderful for years, and perhaps your wife has taken you for granted. I have told less than ten people that I have cancer ( no chemo yet, so can get away with it) because, no matter how loving and delightful they are, some see you as on your way, and in their head they don't like prolonged "goodbyes". Quite horrid. My brother (it is only the two of us now as our mother died last year and neither of us have children) has been ghastly, but I have picked him up on it. When I accused him of not caring, I discovered via a friend that he is heartbroken and devastated, but being very cold to me.

     Please don't give up on your treatments. You have loved your wife so beautifully, now turn that love towards yourself. Rather than leaving money spend it, take yourself somewhere. Go out if you can, have nice things in your diary to look forward to! 

    I discovered my partner of eleven years was seeing someone behind my back March 2023, I left him and was Diagnosed with cancer in the November and my cancer journey is completely alone. I am struggling and sad to be on my own, but constantly looking forward to doing nice things when I can is helping me to get through it all.

    I am sending you the biggest hug!!

    I hope you are able to fill your days with outings whilst she is out!! X

    Roxanna