Ghosted by friends

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Since my diagnosis last year my friends have all disappeared. Messages have stopped, and I'm left with my husband and dog . My husband is my rock but I miss the distraction my friends provided.. 

It makes the journey hard. No meeting friends for coffee or gossip, no support for the hubster. I'm not sure what I did wrong lol

I just feel so trapped. Nowhere to go other than appointments, noone to see other than medics.

Sorry for the moan but had to get it off my chest.

Stu

  • Hi Stu,It’s not a moan,it’s upsetting when you need the support.When I was diagnosed my ex partner went on a bender and was drunk for days.He wrote to me when he had sobered up and asked how he could help.You won’t have done anything wrong.Your friends probably don’t know what to say or do.Do you still contact them ? I hope you get some support on here.Love Jane 

  • Hi Stuart69

    Sorry to hear that you feel trapped and that your friends seem to have ghosted you.  As winkers60 says it's probably because they don't know what to say to you.

    Have you got a Maggie's centre  or another cancer centre near you?  If you do why not call in and ask to chat to someone about how you are feeling.  You can even have a cup of tea there.  Here's a link to their website if you want to have a look at it to see how they can support you:  They will also support your husband if he needs support. Our centres | Maggie's (maggies.org).

    Best of luck and feel free to moan on here anytime.  We all understand how hard the cancer journey can be at times.

    Best wishes

    Daisy53

    Community Champion Badge

  • I discovered that as soon as my wife was diagnosed with cancer , people seem to suddenly vanish and stop contacting us. It's been months now and at first I thought it was my imagination. However, others have stepped up to be supportive, people who I don't know very well.

    Some people need to look at themselves and work out why they snub a friend or relative with cancer. There's plenty they can say to help, and so what if they say a wrong thing.

    I now do not even try and contact those who've ghosted us any more. Don't waste your energy on contacting them , it'll only end up in more tears and or falling out with them.

    After a few searches I came across Cancer Ghosting as the correct term.worth your time reading a couple of articles.

    Sadly people will say - didn't want to bother you or pester you - so they hide away and avoid you (neighbors 2 doors away), even when I spent days doing my front garden, completely snubbed.

    You have members on here who are your support and friends now, including me. Do not hesitate to post to me. Thanks 

  • This is such an interesting subject and conversation. I have been on my rare, incurable but maintainable blood cancer journey for over 24 years. For the first 14 years I was having regular treatments but on the surface I was living a normal life, working in a demanding teaching job on a full timetable, had little time off, normally covered by my nine teaching periods and we agreed not to reveal or even talk about me having a rare cancer…… not even to family….. as we were talking old that in the early years we treat it as a chronic health condition that may or may not kick off.

    Then in late 2013 my condition did kick off big time so over 2 years I had 750+ hours of chemo, 45 radiotherapy sessions and 2 Donor Stem Cell Transplants resulting in some significant post treatment health left overs.

    When people had no idea I had an incurable cancer there was no issues with family and friendships being able to have normal sensible conversations and relationships.

    Once it was ‘obvious’ something was wrong (I initially had a tennis ball sized bloody open tumour above my right eye) some people in our friendship circle melted away like snow on a warm day…… but family rallied round.

    We did not overthink this, we had far more things on our minds to waste our precious energy on these people but focused on the people who stepped up to the mark, the people who we had very lose connections filling the space and all the new friends we met at our local Maggie’s, on this community and on other communities.

    Our attitude is that we define the way we live the gift of living and not let the uncontrollable stuff define us.

    Mike (Thehighlander)

    It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

    Community Champion Badge

  • Hello Stu - you've had some really good replies to this post with some good information and advice.   Mike mentions in his reply that this is an interesting topic - and I really agree.   I have a brother who did not even contact me after my surgery to see if I was ok and to see if I was having further treatment!  I will never get over that.   I have a work colleague who's response was - I don't know what to say to you about your news - take sick leave.   I didn't need to take sick leave at that point.   People say 'oh let me know if I can help in any way at all' - then you never hear from them again!   But then you do get some people that staunchly stand by you - visiting and sending regular communications through to make sure you're ok.   Its a real mixed bag.    When you have a diagnosis of cancer - you've enough to be getting on with  in terms of that.  I am so glad you have your hubster to help support you!   Please think about connecting perhaps through Maggie's as suggested with other people similarly affected.    I have not done that so far but I do hear loads of positive stories about friendships that are forged there.   You will always find someone on here who will listen and support you (although I realise that seeing people in person is much better).   Hugs

  • Hi Pickles1959, your reply is almost identical experience to ours. It's my wife who has cancer.

    I'm so glad you shared your experience with us. I shall look at Maggie's, not heard of it before.

    Regards