Insecure

Hi Kat55 I am dropping in past as I see that you have not received a reply yet.

I am not a carer but the one with a cancer, my cancer of 24 years is incurable and I have relapsed multiple times over my first 17 years....... but now have been in remission for about 7 years now..... so I do understand in part the journey from the point of view of your husband.

My wife has had to walk every step....some very challenging all these years alongside me. We have always been very open with regards to our thoughts, fears, feelings......... the one thing you can't do is 'box' all these up as they can blow up in your face.

Dealing with the post treatment world is hard...... you may find it helpful to make a cuppa and have a look at this great paper After Treatment Finishes - Then What? by Dr Peter Harvey as it highlights the post treatment milestones that your husband....... and you are going to have to navigate.

Talking can help so you may want to use the Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support or just a listening ear.

Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing.

..... but I am always here to chat at any time.

Mike

Thank you for replying. I am grateful for anyone to take the time to reply but particularly touched to get a reply from you being the person who has been through the treatment and journey over many years. If I may ask a couple of questions or state my fears to get the "other" perspective.  I am so freigtened of talking to my partner, because he does not talk about it much himself. So I feel selfish for having feelings and for not being able to contain them as well as him. Secondly I guess I'm worried about upsetting him with my honesty. To say I am freigtened of loosing him which is a very strong feeling even though the reality today is he is in recovery and well. But my feelings are feeling otherwise, is so hard to say. Yesterday I made contact with my local macmillan for an appointment. Im not dealing with the bumps in the road very well, even when those bumps result to be OK. 

Everyone deals with their cancer diagnose ever so differently, I have two good friends who have just been diagnosed with Prostate cancer in the same week….. the difference in how they are dealing with their diagnosis is extremely different.

One is openly discussing their feelings and trying to understand everything the other is saying nothing snd not accepting any support.

I think that you can only react and reply to his leads and sometimes silence is what he needs but when he obviously wants to talk then do talk…… it’s good that you are looking at getting some support as this will help you a lot.

You may want to look at putting up a post in our Carers only group as this us where you can talk with others who are dealing with the exact same challenges.

I am sorry if I am not a lot of help but every situation is ever so different ((hugs))

Hi Mike,

thank you for the recommendation paper, after treatment finishes - then what? I have just read it and found it really helpful. 

Hi Formula it is indeed a great tool that opens up the way forward but does present questions that need to be addressed.

I would always challenge folks to become proactive after reading through it and using it as a vehicle for change and life improvement.

So get a note book or some sheets of paper and put pen to paper - it is a good way forward.

So a page per subject heading. Start detailing the things you have done already to move life on in each area and then start to set some achievable goals to work towards. 

When you achieve the first goal on each lists, tick it off and then put a new goal at the bottom of the list. By doing this you can actually see your progress and celebrate achievements. When I say celebrate I do mean giving yourself treats and gifts........ you have life - celebrate it.

Hi Mike

I too read the article. It's refreshing to find something that talks about the reality of life post treatment. I wish there was more materials for post treatment help and support. I was in floods of tears reading it, not necessarily an easy read but an accurate one. The insecurity, feeling like your going mad, the vulnerability, building your life again, all of these things really resonated with me and very importantly to know others are going through this. 

I also heard an analogy that resonated with me which was about grief, because I think there is a lot of grieving to be done about what you've been through, and how your life is different, but the analogy was...

to think about a Tree after a storm, the leaves have been blown away, maybe some of the branches have been broken. But the trees strength and core remains, it's inner strength may of been exposed and it takes some time for new leaves to grow, but they will grow on time. 

When I feel very exposed and vulnerable I try and remind myself I still have my core....I'm the partner not the one that had the gruesome treatment and I've as always tried to support my husband the best I can, but i have felt physiologically battered by the experience and I think the same principles apply. 

Thank you Mike. 

Yes the article is a great tool.

Once upon a time the NHS had the funds and the staff for post treatment recuperation and support to be available for everyone recovering from cancer treatments...... now it's communities like these and the many cancer charities to do this....... not the best but it is something.

There are many analogies that can be used for the post treatment journey...... the tree one is good.

Where there is hope there is life.

I did a reply to someone in this group a number of years ago and the Community Team made it into a short blog - have a look

Cairns and the Craggy mountain.

((hugs))

Hi Mike, 

Being a Cairns by name I love this even more!

Good luck Formula climbing that craggy mountain. Might see you on the way.

Hugs

I am the one walking in the area with a kilt on