Struggling to cope with partner's anger

Hello Bonfire trails and welcome x 

It sounds like you are really suffering here along with your partner and his diagnosis of secondary bone deposits from his stomach cancer.  

My heart goes out to you, I wish there was a magical solution for you.  You can do everything correctly in supporting someone and it really does sound like you are already doing that.  You cannot carry on supporting him with no support yourself.

I always liken the support system needed to concentric circles with the "patient" in the centre, next circle is the most immediate carers like yourself and close family and friends, then there is the nursing and medical staff and hopefully your friends and family. These circles are different for all of us and many in the circles may have none themselves. It is vital for you to receive love and support as well as your partner right now. Whilst he may be reluctant to go online he could try the six session phone calls that Macmillan offer (counselling us what it's called but some don't like that word so phone support or a listening ear may be better names) 

You may find time out helpful, maybe there's a friend who can visit while you go out and catch with a close friend of yours?   There's a forum on here just for carers (find it under the Groups heading) and I'm sure you'll meet others feeling as you do, I know I've read other posts where anger, bitterness and frustration are being experienced by the partner/husband/ wife/ main carer.  You may find some helpful tips in that group.  

Try and look after yourself too at the moment, eat and stay hydrated. Please also know and believe that our loved ones do lash out at the main caregiver often and keep telling yourself it is really not to be taken to heart by you, it's all the myriad of emotions that cancer gives us.  

Sending you a big hug xx

Hi Bonfire trails,

I hear and understand exactly how you feel. I felt/feel the same and I feel guilty for it. The outbursts, anger I understand but the real need to hurt I don't. Especially when I'm the only support my husband has. Like you, it seems to come from a place where he wants to hurt me. My GP said its normal even though it doesn't feel like it. I asked for something to help me cope with his emotions. He refused as he said that giving me medication will not control my husband's emotions. Putting it like that, makes perfect sence so I opted to walk away on these outbursts. Knowing that I'm doing my best and probably like you, wow we are doing amazing. They need us, this won't be forever, there will be new challenges and we will get through them. Stand strong, they need us, God knows if I had it I would be inconsolable 24/7. Please keep talking, screaming, crying and standing strong.

Lisa

Hi, really feel for you and understand. My wife is terminally ill with PC - diagnosed almost 3 years ago now and palliative care with ongoing chemo. It’s been just awful as she has become very cold, angry and controlling - stopping my main hobby and respite which makes me feel angry, worthless and small. I do all I can for her and our two young children but it’s never good enough. Any time I bite back I’m reminded of her illness. It’s like I don’t exist as my own person anymore. It’s certainly far from living in the moment and making cherished memories. I can’t imagine how she must feel as she’s not someone to talk or seek help etc. she’s become very withdrawn and angry and I just don’t know what to do. I feel very guilty as I desperately need some time for myself. She just responds by saying she’ll be dead soon and then I’ll have lots of time. 

I feel awful - since the first reply on this thread, I've found it very (technically) difficult to reply, caught in an endless loop on the website that never seems to allow me any way to reply. And then you try, it doesn't work, and then all the bigger worries or daily stresses and needs just take over.

I think ive finally found the way to post now!

Thank you for all the replies, and heartfelt solidarity to everyone in their own struggles. Every person that replies, it's a little hand that reaches out and makes the hard moments a bit more grounded, and I would never want to take that for granted, the time people take to send a warm encouraging thought. 

I'm having a tough night. But I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Though I struggle with pairing this up with the increasingly unavoidable tragedy of this horrible diagnosis, on those hit with it and everyone who loves them. We just want life to keep giving rather than taking away. But we cant ignore that we are caught somewhere in between.

I never want to let go of all of the hope and love and promise in life, generally as an outlook  and also here in our own circumstances. But it's hard to escape the sinking feeling too. And maybe it's just unfair to expect our partners who are hit with this horror for themselves - not that it isn't a horror for us too - to be caring, or reasonable, or considerate, or kind. Anymore. Each glimmer that breaks through is the most wonderful moment. 

Everyone is different, judt themselves. But whatever makes people feel strong, I think it helps them be better too to those they love. Whatever brings them back to themselves, and makes them feel known, appreciated and loved. I know it for my partner, and I hope it for everyone else - that there is a part of them that the diagnosis cannot steal. Though when it doesn't work, when that part cant be reached - it's really hard! I'm very sad tonight. Hope everyone gets some glimmers of life to keep them going.

Hi Bonfire trails I see that you are getting some great support, I can’t add anything as I have no experience to bring to the table.

Sorry to see that you have been having difficulties navigating the site…… a simple route to find ‘your’ area of the site is click on ‘your’ community name > Bonfire trails 

This will bring up a few options near the top of your page (It may be different depending on the device you are using) on a phone the main options would be (Groups) these are the groups you have joined and (More) clicking on More will give you a few options…… but the main one is Activity……. this is a list of ‘your’ discussion threads, click on the selection and that will bring up the ongoing discussions where you can continue to talk with others.

If you are still having problems do send an email to community@maccmillan.org.uk and the Macmillan Community Team Staff will help you out.

((hugs))

I'm so sorry to hear this for both of you and the children.

I think it's a sad world for all that are going through this pain.

I can only but say a prayer for you and your family. I'm not religious or crazy but I have done alot if praying over the years. Prior to this my husband 6 years ago had most of a brain tumour removed (benign) I prayed more than you can know, I beloved it helped, definitely done something at the time. 

Take care and reach out.

Lisa

I lost my wife of 48 years to a highly aggressive form of cancer two years ago - she suffered terribly for 7 months and her anger, frustration and fear were very understably directed at me - she wanted to protect the (adult) children.  I cannot describe how horrible the experience was and it was made worse because she was trying to hide the severity of her condition from me; why I simply do not know - perhaps she thought she was protecting me by doing this.  There were many tough days and nights where it felt like she hated me and wanted to hurt me as much as she was hurting herself and it took every ounce of my strength to resist the urge to bite back and say something I would come to regret.  Now I am really struggling with my grief and hate it when well-meaning people tell me to move on with my life - I feel it would be a betrayal if I did so - I have many very happy memories of her but the memory of her last few months haunts me every day.  

Hello, I am sorry to read this. It's very sad to learn of people and their loved ones going through this. It takes courage to reach out and to speak about our hurt and pain. No one can prepare you to deal with this terrible disease. Now your without your wife the pain remains, can't imagine that. My husband is still very much living through the past treatment. However counting his blessings each day as I am too. He is having counselling and not sure what it is doing. Although seems almost scared to stop it just in case. Maybe this us something that you would benefit from? I think if I had of lost him I would have sought this kind of help. Maybe give it some thought. 

@Pacey, thank you for those kind words.  I did seek out counselling in the months after my wife's passing but there were no suitable services available in my area.  One "service provider" simply sent me a link to a bereavement app, which was of no use whatsoever!.  More recently I was guided towards a men-only group which really did not suit me at all.  

I had counselling for my PTSD many years ago (I am a veteran) and I can safely say that it worked for me but would suggest that the results do take time to reveal themselves.  I suspect it may be the same for your husband too - these things cannot be rushed and you are clearly very supportive which will help him enormously.  

Someone once told me that grief is the price of love and that the love you have for your spouse (or other loved one) simply does not go away when they pass from this life but it turns itself into grief.   

With best wishes

Daithi