I’m scared

Hi CharlotteLG and firstly I wanted to say that I'm glad to hear you got through all your treatment two years ago and I'm sorry to hear you feel your condition is worsening.  That's the impression you're giving by describing your mobility as deteriorating.  Is that right?    I hazard a guess that you are associating your fall with your condition worsening, are you thinking that your brain tumour has returned hon?  Have you been in contact with your oncology team for some answers?  Have you been having regular scans since the chemo and radiation ended?   

I believe you are behaving quite naturally CharlotteLG under the circumstances, you feel you are getting signs of the tumour back again and you're possibly thinking that your brain tumour is returning.  So like most of us you are fearing the worst which is it being untreatable.  Which leads on to you contemplating dying, sorry if that's a shocking thing to write but sometimes I feel it's less scary if the scary stuff is said out loud then it's a lot less scary to get on with the practical stuff like contacting your cancer doctors to ask them what could be happening. 

If perhaps you already know it's returned from regular scans but just haven't said the words out loud yet?

I will say either way it is an extremely natural thing to start thinking about all the 'unfinished' business we have when facing the end of our lives.  It's called many things- getting your house in order, tying up loose ends but whatever it's called it ok.  It really is ok to feel as you do, you need supporting by friends and family so reach out please and find someone close to lean on.  You need first to find out if the tumour has come back though, that's the most important thing for you to know right away.

Please keep us updated Charlotte, sending you courage and love xxx