Self Grief

Perhaps try counselling if you haven’t already, or journal all your thoughts and anger to get it out. Try looking at meditation it you can, some people find it helps. Sometimes there are classes and group meets for people with cancer in different areas this might help too.

I got diagnosed in Nov with locally advanced bowel cancer and am doing chemo now as we speak. It’s all new to me and I’m getting my head around it. It’s tough and an emotional rollercoaster. The things above are things I’ve begun looking into to see if it can help me. Maybe some will work for you.

Hi Lalalaneh,

I’ve never heard anyone articulate self grief the way you have here. tears came..Big hug sent…x

i know I’ve experienced self grief for the life I had with my mum, dad, best friend who all died in the last two years and took huge chunks of me with them. My husband is stage 4 prostate cancer with distant mets and I’m grieving for the life we had together and for him.

It’s definitely not the same thing as what you are going through but I honestly feel that I’ve also found layers to myself that I didn’t know were there. Almost like a new improved me … on the inside. I’ve also found that things fall back into place again and again given time and healing. 

As far as what others are achieving goes we all know that what lies behind closed doors or behind a Facebook page isn’t always what we think. Just saying…

Thank you for being so honest…much love 

Louli xxx

Ialaneh, it's really normal to feel as you do sadly. I'm sorry to hear you had a relapse when I presume the cancer returned?  We are never the same again that's for sure, there's so many things to adjust to and grieving for what we've lost is a rite of passage here.  Having cancer changes our vision of ourselves even without having the extra burden of outward changes such as hair loss.  We do have to do the grief bit, it's a process to be worked through with support.  I notice you've nothing written on your profile, if you can explain a little about yourself it may help others to reach out to you. 

Macmillan also offer (1) six sessions of talking therapy (2) a buddy system of a regular phone call from the same person (3) forums which are cancer site specific and (4) forum called 'life after treatment ' plus it might be worthwhile contacting the nurse specialist attached to the oncology team who can pin point some support for you.  

Right now just keep breathing, rest and recuperate, be kind to yourself and know you will get through this but not alone. We are here always x

Hi ..

Self grieve is a normal thing to go through. When times are bad we always look at how things were, how we could run, jump and not worry about what's next...

Cancer can strip that away very quickly and leave a jigsaw puzzle with no picture. I had a great job, with good wage, but it all changed when I became ill. It was like I had aged before my time...no energy and waiting day to day for treatments, worrying about the impact on my family and what side effects would occur.

Anger, pain, why me? It all goes through our heads. Finding something to put that energy into can be important be it getting stronger mentally and physically or a project/hobby.

For me I dove into video games...playstation 4 and the virtual reality system. It helps with my anger and in a way my wellbeing. Though mass killing zombies isn't everyone's cup of tea...lol

My point is...find something that helps, experiment with different things and for a time it can take your mind off.

I truly hope your future will get better...xx

Debbie xx

Today is one of those days.

You know... emotional setbacks when dealing with the medical maze that seems broken and unable to handle a complex diagnosis and all the pain, grief, sorrow and turmoil one feels when trying to advocate for your own life and stay alive.  Lost friends, family jobs and careers sucked up by this worst of malidies in so many forms...

Like a shapeshifter cancer grabs hold of a viable person and steals step by step the inner core at times...tests after tests that are never really looked at or read by radiologists expected to read a thousand images in a few hours and write inadequate reports used by the physicians who don't even read the entire report or the myriad of scans that may not be accurate because the viewer was not skilled enough, too tired or overwhelmed, trapped and given too little time to really read these images.

Yet these scans mean everything on this medical maze even if they written inaccurately to meet a quota or deadline ...

Grief in an unsafe system with too little expertise and too many patients for too few doctors... Trying to fight to learn, stay alive, find the right doctors who know what they are doing and care about me...

Family too busy...afraid...absent...alone..me.

Hi...

Totally understand...

I've been in that situation also. When I was first diagnosed, the main guy let me know and he asked me to come back a couple of weeks later so that I knew what I was going to get and so forth? I went back and it was one of his underlings. He start to talk to me like it was my first time there asking, although the notes were in front of him, had no clue.

I was confused and began telling him of the last visit. He too looked puzzled and left for a few minutes...I was fuming! And this was the start of it, telling ppl I talked with the same info. I lost count on how many I had to inform...

I know these guys are overwhelmed but depending on the patient to remember what the last person said is frustrating..

Don't give in...keep learning, find out what you can and works for you..

You should never think your alone as there is always someone out there going through a similar crappy time..

Stay as strong as you can, but don't worry about feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable.. it's a normal way to feel...xx

1. Debbie..xx

I hear you on this. I too am grieving for my husband although he is still here but due to having cancer is not the man I used to know. We have always done things together but now I hardly leave the house incase he needs me. I feel like his live-in carer other than his wife. In the 4 years since he retired our world has seemed to revolve around hospitals, doctors, clinics etc. Before he retired he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes which we worked on going to the gym playing badminton and adopting healthy eating habits. Then of course covid struck and the gym visits had to stop as everywhere shut down. Then at the end of 2020 the cancer symptoms came to the fore with a change in his `toilet habits`. He was referred for a colonoscopy and in July 2021 was officially diagnosed with bowel cancer which according to his surgeon had been lying dormant for 4 years previous so he was actually walking about without any symptoms all that time. Fast forward to January 2022 and he got it cut out and we were told no additional treatment was needed as they got it all and even though I asked as a precaution to maybe catch any stray cells maybe missed. Five months on from then and it was back. Since then he's had chemo which had to be stopped because he developed kidney problems which now means due to having a nephrostomy procedure he needs to wear urine bags either side of his back to collect urine draining from his kidneys he also has a urinary catheter fitted and a stoma bag after a bowel resection procedure. Up until 4 years ago he had never been in a GP surgery or hospital only being in a hospital to visit relatives now it is like we spend our lives there. Never thought he would spend his retirement like this. Life can be cruel. 

Hi...

So sorry to hear about what both you and your partner is going through. I was in a good place at the time I was diagnosed...a good paying job, 6 days a week, walking everywhere...then the crippling pain and feeling so tired. I went from Speedy Gonzales to a snails pace...within a couple of weeks.

Now I'm free of the treatment, but my body is still having problems. I will be going back to my Dr to see what I can do, but I already know I may have a permanent side effect from the treatment. So I have to find a way to live with it.

Change is always cruel in some way as we always remember what we were, how we were before. Our only way forward is to try different ways to relieve the stress and create a new path, and I truly hope you will find your way to better days..xx

Signs777,

you write so honestly and emotionally spot on!

I feel the same about the NHS at the moment. My hubby is stage 4 prostate cancer and has had three months bedbound with severe ??haemorrhoids in excruciating pain. he has been refused admission on nhs and written off. Stage 4 at diagnosis but very stable. However the minute the hospital drs saw he was stage 4 they wouldn’t even admit him despite severe debilitating pain and profuse bleeding. we thought the cancer was out of remission. We’ve had to go private. Twice since December. So he will have a sigmoidoscopy and banding done next week privately. Fingers crossed it’s nothing sinister because his oncologist says it’s not cancer. (Without having a look!) I hope he is right! 
cancer patients get benign things wrong with them too. It’s discrimination to cancel patients for benign illness/treatment just because they have stage 4 cancer. In fact it’s inhumane!

much love to all.. let’s keep fighting!! Xx