Survived and the guilt of wishing I hadn't!

Hi Rach,

Im not how much help I can be, but didn't want to read and not respond. 

I've just had surgery for what turned out to be ovarian cancer, and am lucky that they think that's all the treatment I need. 

The range of emotions I'm feeling at the moment is overwhelming, and I can't imagine having to try and process them without having supportive family and friends to talk to. 

Do you have a good support network? If you don't feel comfortable talking to family or friends could you try the MacMillan helpline or another charity? Just know that whatever you are feeling is valid, and no matter how dark it is right now, things can get better. 

Hoping you find the support you need soon. 

Your reply honestly means alot. Thank you for understanding! I do have friends amd family that supported me right through the diagnosis and treatment but i find it really hard to talk to them about this I suppose I find it hard to speak out loud about any of it to anyone, I couldn't even tell anyone out loud when I got my diagnosis it's why I've turned to this forum hoping just talking to someone this way will maybe help and maybe not feel so alone in it all. 

I can definitely empathise with that - I find talking about it really helps me to process and start to normalise what's happening. 

I feel like I should be happy that my cancer has been removed before I even knew it was there, but I can't shake the anxiety about it coming back, about leaving my daughter and husband behind, and the guilt that I'm struggling emotionally when others have had to deal with chemo etc. And I've got away 'lightly' with my surgery alone. 

I just have to keep reminding myself that everybody's journey is different, and whatever feelings you have are 100% valid. 

If talking on here helps you, I'm more than happy to keep chatting.

Thank you!!!! Honestly means a lot!!!! 

Yeah I totally get that as much as I often wish I hadn't survived I have that worry as well that I'd leave my son alone. I have dark thoughts all the time but I'd never be able to actually do it cuz I'd leave my son n I can't do that to him so the worry of it coming back is always there! 

If you don't mind could I ask if you were told you'd be getting four monthly check ups? I was told I would have these but it's been over six months now and cuz I've been passed from hospital to hospital for treatment I'm struggling to get hold of anyone to find out if o should be having them. The hospital that did the surgery have sent a letter to a nearer hospital saying they are taking over for the checkups but I've heard nothing.  X 

Hi Rach31, I'm 59 and have a 22 year old daughter. I've had depression on and off for over 20 years.  I've always been a single parent too so I do identify with your feelings.  The depression does colour our emotions for sure I believe.   

I've had melanoma and just ended 1 years treatment.  I feel so guilty for wishing I wasn't here but yet can't stop that thought. My depression has me so low most of the time and I'm so very tired of it. I can't let go, my daughter only has me. Her dad (in Australia) died of cancer 4 years ago) . 

I believe that if I hadn't become accidentally pregnant aged 37 I would not be alive now. Is that good or bad?  I've certainly had talking therapies over the years and sometimes they've helped. Macmillan have been offering six free sessions through them - might be worth a try hon.

I recently accessed six free sessions through my local county hospital chemo unit support team and as it was pandemic time had them over zoom. She was brilliant.  I can't say - oh everything is fine now- as it never will be. 

Remember you've had a horrible diagnosis, made impossible choices based on your life right now and have gone through major surgery. You need to be kind to yourself, share some treats with your son, go on days out, don't waste time on guilt feelings, you have nothing to feel bad about. It's your journey hon. If the surgery has cured you then you can be with your son for good which was the aim. Stand proud of what you've achieved and find someone to talk toplus chat on here too. Have you joined the "Life after cancer" forum? It's full of like minded souls who may well "get" your feelings.

Each day I'm just up and down plus put on a good front for my daughter as that's what we do to protect them. One day at a time.

As for check ups- chase up the gyane specialist nurse at the hospital where your oncologist is- they should help you out re organising an appointment.

Xx

Thank you, it helps knowing it's not just me that feels that guilt. I know exactly what you mean about accidently falling pregnant at 20 and I know for a fact I wouldn't be here if I hadn't had him so I can't say if it's good or bad because I battle with that thought n the guilt every day. I never expected to feel this low though I actually thought that I'd get through it n feel like I've had a new lease of life and want to live it yo the best I can but my god how wrong I was and once depression has a hold of you it's a constant battle with myself to do anything or go anywhere. 

I did wonder if there were counciling sessions I could access then I thought what's the point? I always have such good intentions to do things to make me feel better then it gets to it and I don't go cuz that's when the anxiety kicks in and I just can't face it n I'd hate to think I was accessing a service that could help someone else instead of me wasting their time. 

I haven't tried that site no but I'm going to have a look anything I can do from the security of my own home at the moment will hopefully help. 

So do you think I should be getting those four months checkups? I'm so confused with it all and it makes it worse that I'm not sure which hospital is meant to be dealing with me because I've been to four different ones with four different teams looking after me throughout the diagnosis and treatment. 

Yes I'm expecting four monthly checkups for two years followed by 6 monthly check ups for 5-10 years. First one should be in Jan, as I'm still waiting for final confirmation I don't need further treatment and an 'end of treatment' appointment (although I'm not sure what happens at that??)

If I were you I'd call the hospital you think you should be treated at and push for the check ups. If you don't have a contact number and can't find one online you should be able to call the hospital switchboard and ask for gynaecology and then explain the situation.

Hope you manage to get through to someone soon!