The Myth of "stay strong" and my rant on the subject :D

Jenny,  what a shock you've had hon. All those years cancer free and now major surgery.  I'm so sorry to hear this.  Your brain must be full right now with questions which I hope your oncologist can help with.

A plan to move forward will I hope help you to gain some positivity hon.

I guess you are in the breast cancer forum too, avail yourself of any help you can.  Take care xx

I completely agree with much of what you say, and I am about to ask the friend who posts the news of my death on my Facebook page not to use any version of the phrase fought a whatever kind of battle against cancer. 

However, for me staying strong has a slightly different meaning. I have terminal, ovarian cancer. So staying strong has been about coming to terms with and accepting my diagnosis with a lot of help from a counselor. It's been about finding ways to make the most of the life I have left. It's about being grateful for the life I've had so far, for the many opportunities I had to do things I wanted to do, and also for everything I have in my life now, an incredible group of supportive friends, living in a lovely place etc. 

It's about finding ways not to collapse in a weeping, wailing heap of despair. Xx

All of those things are good things so to that extent I am glad for you and so sad for your situation. But, tbh it sounds like acceptance is a good word too

I really enjoyed your post-it resonates with me very much! I hate the use of military terminology in relation to cancer-talk of battles, fighting, winning, losing, being called a warrior. All of that. It’s refreshing to read that others feel the same.

Sarah xx

Tlania you’re definitely not alone! People mean well but they haven’t got a clue unless they’ve gone through it and even then everyone is different in how they cope. It depends what’s already going on in your life, how many other stressors you’re dealing with and what support you have around you.

I got sick of acquaintances telling me it would be over before I knew it and isn’t it great the survival rate for breast cancer means you don’t die from it anymore and how strong I was. We don’t actually get a choice, we just have to get on with it don’t we!!

I spoke to my psychologist about it at the time and said I just want to say to people I don’t need you to be all cheery about it, I just need you to listen to how I’m truly feeling (anxious, emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted by it all) . She actually said to me that would probably really help people, as people struggle to know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing but with good intentions.

From then on I just either told people how I really felt or narrowed my circle of people I would speak to. I got the most help from being on these forums. I’ve since joined a Breast Cancer Now ‘Moving Forward’ course ( 7 months after finding that lump in my breast). Sadly it’s online but it’s definitely been helpful to go to the meet and greet Zoom session, where we all got to share our stories and realise that, even though we’d had different treatments, there was commonality in how we were feeling, mostly lost coming out the other side and trying to get back to so called ‘normal’.

What I learnt was there is no getting back to normal, it’s finding the things we want to get back to, or the new things we want to do or ways we want to be. Also that we’re all still quite raw from our treatment and it’s early days, so not to rush but accept all our feelings. Not surprisingly we’d all lost a lot of confidence in ourselves and who wouldn’t when we’d had to stop doing the things we enjoyed in life or that gave us purpose, or just the fact that we’d gone through something traumatic and the rollercoaster of worry.

it was also a wonderful way to learn from others experience and also learn not to compare. Everyone has been on their own journey, no one else can go on it for you, it’s not helpful to think that others have had it worse as it negates what we as individuals have gone through.

They also had two volunteers who’d had cancer themselves and could reassure us that everything we were feeling was normal and that one day, in our own way and our own time we would gradually get to a better place mentally. 

Positivity can be toxic when it’s used to negate what we’re feeling. I’ve had to learn to be kinder to myself through this, acceptance of what we’re feeling is so much healthier. If we let ourselves feel it, it will pass. 

As my doctor said, who’s had breast cancer herself, Cancers just a shitty thing to have to go through and then there’s the shitty menopause and side effects , but one day you’ll look back and think I don’t feel shitty anymore I’m somehow through it. I loved her for being so honest about it and using normal language lol 

Oh that is a hopeful response, and a supportive one LucyLocket. Perhaps I'm not strange and there is a way to tell people what would help without annoying them. Thank-you I appreciate your response.

Glad you found it hopeful and helpful Tlania : )