Several years ago I lost my Dad to a glioblastoma multiforme, we'd be estranged for a fairly long while but thanks to a call from my Step Mum I was there in the last few weeks before he passed away. This brought me closer to my Step Mum and just as we started to build a bond her breast cancer aggressively resurfaced and she passed away two years after my Dad. I struggled to wrap my head around all of this but after a while I found the strength & understanding to address the grief I'd been suppressing and tried really, really hard to get my life back on track and accept the reality of the situation, and where I could learn from it.
This year I was lucky; thanks to an abdominal scan last year for a hernia the specialist found what he called a 'cyst' on my kidney and passed my notes on to a friend of his in the renal dept of the hospital. After a bit of investigation through the course of the last 15 months this 'cyst' was upgraded to a 'lump' and eventually it was given a name: renal cell carcinoma. By all accounts it had been growing slowly and was around 4cm in size. However, the prognosis was good and I had a partial nephrectomy in August to have it removed.
Now I've tried really, really hard to remain positive and upbeat while I've been recovering, easing myself back into all of the usual day-to-day activities I enjoyed before my surgery. However, about ten days ago my mood started sinking pretty badly; yesterday morning I woke up and just inexplicably started crying into my pillow for about 30 mins. I've learnt to recognise these red flags and to find support when I see the signs that I might be struggling; I've used the mental health support services at my local GP and spoke to someone there, and I've reconnected with Macmillan over the phone as well.
If I had to put a label on this I think I might be dealing with a type of survivors guilt (?) I just don't know. I feel like I'm moving back towards a point I'd moved away from after my Dad & Step Mum passed away, where I was understanding the fact I was grieving and how to work through it. I feel like my strength and focus is abandoning me and it's frustrating, I hate feeling like this so much especially as I'd been so strong up until recently, I feel like I've done something wrong.
Hi Mr4820, I just came across you post and thought I would reach out.
The cancer journey is full of twists and turns especially when you survive where others don’t.
I had to deal with ‘survivors guilt’ a few years back after three very good friends all passed away within 6 months from their cancers.
I used the services at our local Maggie's Centre, these folks were amazing and helped me unpack the massive invisible rucksack of stuff that I had been carry around unknowingly. During our discussions I was reminded that I had sat with my friends one night and over a very good single malt we all agreed that the last man standing should live a full life in honour and in memory of those who had gone before and do this with no regrets - this I am now doing.
You may find it helpful to join and look through some of the discussions in our Life after cancer group as there are a number of members working through these issues at the moment.
