Hello.
I don't know where to start and I feel a fraud even coming asking for support with this, there are people in far worse places than me and I should be grateful for where I am at the minute but I just feel like I cannot take much more, the worst year of my life just seems to throw more and more at me.
I am 40 years old, last November I split up with my wife of 15 years and began living on my own. Shortly afterwards I was diagnosed with stage 4 hodgkims lymphoma, I was terrified, newly living alone but retained an extremely positive outlook and was determined it wasn't going to beat me.
After a huge battle, I got the news in August I was in remission. The chemo had been awful and although I had wonderful support from friends and family a lot of the time I was alone as I was also shielding. I stayed positive throughout, my personality and nature have always been this way and it was to me a setback and a battle I would win for my children and for me.
Following the remission I started to take some steps to rebuild my life, going out with friends booked trips with family and friends and started to see a new partner. My new partner I had known for some time and she assured me my cancer, divorce children etc was not an issue... apparently I was amazing the way I tackled things....
So far so good right! Then at the start of September I caught covid. This unfortunately developed into pneumonia and I ended up in hospital on oxygen. After a week I was sent home. One week later I couldn't move without being unable to breathe and was rushed back to hospital, I was placed on high oxygen and was 0.1% above the threshold for going onto a ventilator. Following further checks it was found I have severe lung damage from the chemo, it is temporary and will to a point repair but I was told had I not gone to hospital I would have died and I should not have been sent home originally - it was missed. I am now back home on a huge combination of drugs for at least 3 and have had to cancel all my nice post cancer plans.
To top this whilst I was in hospital the second time my new partner stopped contacting me and told me the day I got out that she didn't want to see me anymore as she wasn't good for me and I would find someone better (actually it turns out that she'd met someone else, I really don't blame her)
I feel like I'm just moaning but all my positive energy has gone, I'm lonely and feel that I have nothing to look forward to anymore the last weeks have just knocked me down and I don't have anything left. All I can think about it's what's the next bad thing to happen. I have a follow up scan for my cancer in a week and my usual attitude would be to assume it will be fine. I'm now expecting the worst.
How do i pull myself out of this and get back to being me
Hi CfreeMark, sorry to read about the journey you have been having.
I can appreciate the treatment journey having be on my Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma journey for over 22 years but the stuff that has been happening around you has not been part of my life.
I often think that looking for some one on one support can help you unpack some of this but finding face to face support during these strange times it’s not that simple but do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area that has opened up.
Do also check out for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing. During lockdown a lot of their services moved onto online video support. But I see our local Maggie’s (Inverness) are starting to open up for one on one support. do also check this link to the Macmillan Buddies Telephone Service.
Keep your head above the water and keep looking for a way to navigate your life back on a meaningful path.
Hi again CfreeMark, I have had Pneumonia and Neutropenic Sepsis a few times so totally understand the challenges. Keep trying the doors as one will open up a way to move this forward.
