Stressed and emotional

Hi Callista I remember when my father was ill with pancreatic cancer and we knew he was going to die I felt the same way - I wanted him to hurry up and go and I wasn't even his carer.  Waiting for someone to pass is exhausting and draining and I knew it would be better for him as well as for the whole finally when it finally happened.  We all knew it was going to happen and the torture of waiting was too hard on my mother who was looking after him.  So don't feel bad as I think it's a completely normal way to feel.

You do need to try and find a way to look after yourself as well though.  Maybe you can take turns visiting her with your husband instead of going together every day.  So you go one day and he goes the next day while you stay home and rest.

If you explained how exhausting this is for you and that it's making you feel unwell would your husband understand because at the end of the day what your mother in law thinks of you at the moment isn't really what matters.  If she doesn't want to or isn't able to see how much you have done for her and the effect it is having on you that isn't your fault.  You and your husband will be the ones left behind and it won't be good for you or for him if you make yourselves ill.

How long do the doctors realistically think she has left as when my father started to look skeletal he passed soon after.

Wishing someone would hurry and go is a normal feeling, it's not selfish or hateful it's part of you dealing with this. You've been through a huge amount and you're trying to do the best for everyone. 

If you can try and take some time for yourself, I've found it amazing what a coffee and cake with a friend or a haircut can do, explain to your husband you need a break he will understand - put it how you've put on here. Sometimes people don't realise how hard it is supporting others, I look at the things people did and do for me and realise it isn't easy. 

Take care. 

Thank you, I thought there was something wrong with me and I was being heartless wishing she was gone.  She is saying all these strange things, asking for something and then when she gets it she asks why it is there.

My poor husband has had to go out to work this morning for a meeting rather than working from home.  He is very lucky in that was, his job enabled him to work from home, just going out 2 days a week.  It's a 4am start though on those days. I'm rambling again sorry.  I've sat down for a cup of tea, I'm catching up on chores before I start phoning more nursing homes.

She is skeletal now, all she will eat is 1 weetabix for breakfast and soup for the rest of the day, she will have a cup of tea. She is in bed all the time, she can't walk or stand by herself.

The doctors finally gave her 3 to 6 months, before the stent they said it would give her up to 12 months, after they put in the stent it became 3 to 6 months.  It will be 3 months at the end of October.

Thank you, I still do very selfish for my thoughts.  Trying to find time for me is hard.  This morning I am catching up on housework and starting to do some batch cooking to make it easier in the evening when we get home.

Callista It's difficult to know how the illness is affecting her especially if she isn't eating which might very well explain why she is saying strange things.  You and hopefully your husband know you are doing your best and that is enough.  I wouldn't worry about what your mother in law is saying as it doesn't seem like she is thinking clearly.

It doesn't seem like there is too long to go and am wondering whether it might be best if she stayed at the hospice rather than you spending all this time and energy trying to find a nursing home when you could be spending that time resting and giving yourself a break.  I don't know much about hospice vs nursing home care so I could be completely wrong but it just seems like a lot of time and effort for just a few months.  

You should however do whatever you feel we be best for you and your family.

Thank you.  When we went to visit her yesterday she was on oxygen.  She was very weak and saying very strange things. I felt so bad for my husband, his colour dropped when we walked into the room and saw her. 

I spoke to the nurse and she said that my mother in law had asked to be taken off the syringe driver, not what she had told us at all.  She has been given patches that release pain relief over a couple of days plus tablets morning and evening.  She is supposed to tell them when she is in pain and they will give her extra.  The nurse said that she is very single-minded and difficult.  The Dr will assess tomorrow but the nurse thinks that he will keep her in the hospice.

I phoned this morning as I am not going in today, my husband is going in with his aunt.  The ward clerk said that she had had a settled night, was still on the oxygen and was slowly deteriorating.  She also went into the ward and mother in law was asleep.

I think I have found a nursing home, we cannot go and look around because of covid restrictions.  It seems that after all the work though she may not need it after all.  We would love for her to stay in the hospice but it is very small and if she is likely to be with us for months, it seems unfair if there is someone who is end of life that needs their herlp.