Dealing with friends and family

Hi  it's a tricky one.  I was like you, I wanted to be left alone so I didn't tell anyone other than my husband and then my children but only on the night before my surgery.  My mother, brother aunts cousins etc still don't know I had cancer.

Best thing you can do is to just tell them how you feel and explain to them that this is completely normal.  Some people want a lot of fuss and attention and others of us just want to be left alone.

I would explain to them that you will keep them updated with any changes or progress in your treatment and that when you need help or support you will ask for it otherwise it's much easier on you if they let you deal with it alone.  

This way they will know that they will be kept informed because you will update them and so hopefully they won't feel the need to keep asking you.   

Telling them you want to be left alone might actually be good for them as they might feel like they have to or that you want them to fuss over you and being told that they don't need too might be a relief for them.

Hope you find a balance that works for you.

Hi Jane,It is difficult.I was caring full time for my mother when I became ill.Shortly before diagnosis I had to send mum into a home for respite care.I told Mum,my sister and my partner.I wasn’t going to tell any of my friends as most live miles away but my sister thought they would want to know.I did end up writing to a couple of them and they were incredibly supportive.I found it helpful to join this community  that way conversations with family were not dominated by cancer.I hope I got the balance right.I think it is hard for family and friends,they feel helpless.I would be honest,explain how you feel and keep communicating even if you just want to say leave me alone.Love and best wishes Jane 

Thank you Godwling and winkers60,

  I didn’t really tell anyone but my parents decided to let everyone know.

I have one friend, a good  friend, who just seems to think I want to go out, meet for coffee etc. She just won’t leave me alone. . I will take both of your advice, thank you xx

Hi Jane. I'm quite new to this forum and read your post and felt similar. Hope you don't mind me saying that...
I've kept my cancer very quiet because I don't want to feel fussed over and I've pushed so many people away to protect myself...at the same time I feel desperately lonely with it. I'm at the age of all my friends celebrating new babies and it hurts so much seeing visible scans and bumps when my invisible tumour and tablet form treatment is invisible...
It feels really uncomfortable knowing others don't know how to help especially when it's so ongoing.
I used to fear the hospital but I love clinic day now...might sound odd...but I feel accepted as I am and allowed to have emotions.....

How have you been doing with the telling /not telling family and friends thing?

Hi Rosie. Of course I don’t mind. 
I understand that, as I’m protecting myself , but also I’m trying to protect other people, mainly my family. I feel so guilty, burdening then with this. 
Seeing you friends with bumps and babies, must be very difficult for you, that’s understandable. People keep telling me to feel how I feel, and stop feeling bad about it. Cry, scream if need to, this is very scary, and difficult. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with it. But if you are lonely, maybe reach out to closest friend or family member? People only want to help, but I know what it’s like when people don’t leave you alone. I’m now decided not to tell anyone, except husband and son, when my CT scans are, so that I don’t get bombarded with messages. I’ve told them I’ll tell them when there’s something more to tell. I don’t know if it will work for me, as like you say, I feel quite lonely now. It’s very difficult and I wish I had the answers. I understand clinic thing as it’s people  in similar situations. Maybe try to find a chat group, Maggie’s centres are supposed to be great. I’m on an app called victorias promise, all women with cancer, really nice ladies. Worth a try?

I’ve only just stopped telling everyone when scans are, waiting for results now, from scan last week, but most of my family know, as parents told everyone, and only my closest friends and neighbours know. I’ve come off Facebook too. 
just didn’t want to see peoples happy stories etc. 

Sorry I’ve waffled a bit, have a good day if you can, 

jane xx

I think from my own experience as a ‘supporter’ that she is probably trying to be there for you and be there for you if you want to go out. 

I was the same as you. I cut everyone out of my life, keeping a few people in the loop with what I was going through.  I’ve just started socialising again and that’s been hard, but my psychologist gave me a great tip (sorry if I’m off topic) if someone asks how I am I just tell them im great(with a cheery voice)  and ask how they are and it puts them off balance and they leave me alone.  Works every time

Hi everyone.

My experience is slightly different. I was very nervous about telling family and friends, worried about how they would respond. When I finally plucked up the courage to be honest with them, I was astonished (actually, overwhelmed) with the response. Everyone has shown me nothing but kindness, care, compassion and love.

But as my health went downhill, when they asked me how I was doing, I was giving them 'fine thanks, how are you' response. It turns out that this was actually annoying for them. They were asking after my health out of genuine concern. My glib response made them feel like I was pushing them away and actually hurt them a little.

They stopped asking me, instead asked my wife. It created a bit of a barrier between my friends and I.

It took a few stern words from my wife and counsellor to make me realise that I was, in fact, lying to those for whom I cared them most. I was hurting them. I was pushing them away when they had tried to be supportive.

So I've changed now and when I am asked how I am doing, I tell the truth. I say that I have good days and bad days but seeing them always makes it a good day. I tell them that I'm fed up with hospitals and doctors, but I'm grateful for the treatment. I tell them that I have the easy bit and my wife has the hard bit. And I tell them to bring better biscuits next time!

So its a mix of truth and brevity, whilst empahsising that Im grateful for the their support and asking them for more. Basically, I found that I can't face this cancer alone. I need help and support. And I found that people are willing to give it. I just had to let them in. The result has benefitted both them and me. I feel cared for and they feel involved.

No man is an island.

Good for you The Constant Gardener, we're never too old to learn.  I believe we can learn if we're alive.  To be very honest with those who care about you makes it easier on you too in the long run. It can just lift the unecessary burden as you travel along of your friends/ family not knowing and having to be suddenly told by your wife who then has that burden of shocking people. Plus it shows that you care about others too, that you can continue to share the good and the bad days with those who love you.  A win win situation if you have the courage to do it plus it lightens your burden too. Well done you xx. Plus of course you hopefully get better biscuits next time !