How to accept that my Dad doesn't care?

Hi LizW and a very warm welcome to the online community

I'm sorry to read how hurt you're feeling because your dad doesn't get in touch with you to find out how you are. I don't know how close a relationship you've had with him in the past but if he's always been like this then sadly he's unlikely to change now.

Some people can't cope with the fact that a close family member has cancer and by not contacting you maybe he can pretend that everything's okay.

My own dad never contacts me and seemingly delights in telling people that his daughters never phone or visit him whereas in reality that isn't the case. In my dad's defence he has early dementia so I let him off by thinking that perhaps he doesn't remember that we do ring him and do visit him. 

I hope you manage to resolve things with your dad. Perhaps you could sit down with him and explain how you feel. He might have no idea how his not contacting you is making you feel.

Sending a virtual ((hug))

Hi LizW,My uncle is the same as your dad.I know he cares for me and my mum but he just cannot cope with illness and hospitals.It is hard,I used to get upset about it but now I’ve realised that he probably won’t change.We are still close and I keep in touch with him.Best wishes Jane x

Thanks for getting back to me.

I have told him before how his silence hurts me. He just laughs and says that's no good, but doesn't change, so I imagine he never will. I need to change my expectations - this is the bit I'm struggling with. Anyway... many thanks for your thoughtful words and hug :-) 

Thanks Jane. I think their generation has something to do with it, but that's not making it easier. All the best to you too. x 

Hi LizW,It must be very upsetting for you at a time when you most need support.The generation aspect does make a difference.Do you have much support from other family and friends ? I’ve struggled not being able to talk to my mum as she has end stage dementia.She was still lucid when I was diagnosed but doesn’t always recognise me now.We were very close so it’s been hard to see her deteriorate.How are you recovering since your surgery ? Love and best wishes Jane x

Hi Jane. That's so hard with your mum - must be heart-breaking. I lost my mum almost 6 years ago - she had a rare and horribly aggressive cancer. I think watching your mum struggle is one of the hardest things to do. I was diagnosed a couple of years after losing mum. She would have been by my side in my cancer journey if she was able. Sometimes friends suggest that my dad just can't cope with my cancer after losing my mum to it, but I don't think it's that, I think it's more that he's just focussed solely on his own little world, and maybe always was but we didn't notice because my mum was always there to notice things, remember and care. Hang in there with your mum, although I understand it's really really hard with dementia. So big virtual hugs to you.  ..... and surgery recovery is going pretty well this time around, thanks. In February I moved a full day's drive (or flight) away from family and friends, and will be here for the next 3 years because I moved to take up a research position, so I've been away from my usual support network through this latest round of health stuff. I've made a few new friends locally, who have been great though. I'm feeling physically uncomfortable from surgery but not in pain any more, which is good. Hey, thanks for reaching out. Let me know if you could do with some support too :-)   Love and best wishes to you too. Liz x  

Hi Liz,I’lve sent you a friendship request if you would like to chat off the board.Love Jane x

My brother does not phone me since I told him I had cancer.

1. My eldest daughter says he asks her about me and does care. I said he shows a bloody funny way of showing his concern. I am to old to get upset about it though and basically I don’t care anymore myself about him.