Hi everyone,
I was diagnosed at 34 with breast cancer. Im now 41 with mets to skin (fungating tumour) , bones, neck & now lungs.
I had such a good day on Monday, it was so sunny here, i had a great afternoon with the dog, walking.
Today I've woken up feeling these things:
* Will death be an eternal horror film?
* What will it be like for my son (21) he doesn't really talk about it. He's in the military last 6 months . And my parents, i feel so guilty.
* Why can't i keep my flat clean & tidy
*Im petrified of whats coming & I'll be in pain?
* Was i cruel getting a dog a year ago ( he'll live with my parents) but i haven't worked the last 2 years & we go everywhere together.
* Some days I don't move off the sofa. I often feel sicky & dont eat
* Had numerous random rows with parents, i don't understand why really, I'm angry & sad at everything. I think i thought they could save or fix me
*So easily irritated by friends who are clueless about it. I know this is me not them, by the way. Im just trying to get everything out im feeling. My head so fuzzy & confused
*I'm sad i didn't meet the one
*I'm lonely. I miss my life. I miss holidays & sunshine. I miss looking forward to something...
Well, i hope that was all okay to post... I feel a bit better just getting it out. Hoping for a little motivation today to get up & about!
Nice to meet you all,
Lou 
Hi (Lou) I thought I’d say hello and try and answer some of your questions. At the moment I am reading a book called ‘With The End In Mind’ by Kathryn Mannix. It’s essentially about the process of dying and what actually happens which is nowhere near as scary as I had imagined. You can dip in and out of it, it’s not a book you need to read cover to cover. It may help answer some of your questions. No, I don’t think you’re selfish for getting a dog. He’s going to go to your parents and although of course he’ll miss you animals are very resilient and he will settle. If you hadn’t adopted him he may have ended up in a home where he wasn’t as well loved as he is now. It’s understandable that you are having these random disagreements with your parents, we all sometimes lash out at those closest to us, I’m sure they will understand that you’re just so frustrated at the situation you find yourself in. As to friends, well it really is impossible for people to understand unless they are in the same situation, don’t be too hard on yourself for being irritated. When you feel ill and can’t eat could you tolerate any of those meal replacement drinks? You could ask the hospital which ones would be best for you. You’re sad you didn’t meet ‘the one’. That’s a tough one, but I hope that although you haven’t met your soul mate you managed to have at least one decent partner along the way. You miss your life and having things to look forward to. Try and notice the lengthening days and if you are able to get out, you will see crocuses and snowdrops appearing. It’s been a long, bleak, lonely Winter but we are moving towards the light and the colour of Spring. My heart goes out to you. Bev x
I'd assumed you worked for Macmillan, and just saw your profile. I hope you are finding lockdown okay & are still feeling well ? 
Lou x
Hi @ Tink_A_Bell ( Lou) I’m doing ok at the moment thanks for asking, although I have my next check at the end of the month & obviously this is an anxious time. I’m fed up of lockdown! Just would love to meet up with friends, have a few beers in a pub, go to a car boot sale. It must be particularly bad for you though. This is the time you need support most! I tried having a video chat with friends on my laptop recently and that helped but it’s not the same as sitting in the same room talking to someone face to face. There’s a chapter at the front of the book about somebody who had bowel cancer & was worried sick about the process of dying. The explanation given by the doctor should be given to us all. It’s so helpful and reassuring. I also wanted to mention that I had counselling after my treatment with an Oncological Psychologist ( I didn’t even know such a thing existed! ) & found it really helped. If you feel you may benefit from this additional support please mention it to your hospital treating team. I’m glad I was able to help you even if just a little. Sending a virtual hug as they say! Bev x
