End of Life - Caring for my husband

Dear Sarah

I feel for you, it's so confusing, my son was 31 & had been battling for over 2 years he had got to the stage where he was taking the tablet but it didn't work. The hospice & District nurses took over & the hospital took a step back. The District Nurses were brilliant get them involved, let your Dr know what's happening too. The District nurses arranged a hospital bed for our son when he found  a normal one too hard to get in & out. The nurses just made sure he had any pain relief he needed, the first few months he was just tired but ok. The last month he needed more pain relief & the nurses came in to help him wash. Get all the help your offered I don't know how you are for money but your Oncologist can help with forms which means you get help quicker we found Macmillan brilliant for helping with that. All I can say is take care of yourself, don't feel guilty for going out for some 'me time' spend time together & let other friends/family know, have fun, make memories, I know it's hard but find out if your husband has any wishes for later. My thoughts are with you & if you have any questions just ask, please, our son only died on the 29th of January so it's all still raw but I would like to help in any way I can.

Hugs for both of you

Julia xx

Hello Sarah,

I fully agree with everything that Julia (js88) has mentioned in her reply, especially the part about 'me time' and involving friends and family, it may be difficult for them, but knowing how much support we have when we are living with cancer is a great morale booster, and can help tremendously with building your best memories, not just the happy one, but also notable achievements in your life together. Think about how the two of you may have helped others perhaps socially or professionally, do either of you have any special or unusual skills or pastimes and are they recognised by others close to you? How might you too have been helped and by whom. Think about what is important to you both, and why; who is important to you and why. It may help to start writing about your memories as it allows you to put them in some sort of order, and review them as you are composing them. Sadly they may be a great source of comfort in a future that is too painful to think about right now, but whilst we may have a good idea of what to expect, everyone is unique so what has happened to others is no guarantee that we will react in the same way. That's not intended to give you false hope, it's just a statement of fact. 

I can't offer you the same first-hand experience as Julia, but I hope that this helps a little, and that you are finding some comfort from the Community. My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Kind regards to you and your husband

Hi Sarah, 

My husband has been living with incurable stomach cancer for nearly a year since diagnosis. He is on his second lot of chemo cycles as first didn’t work. During this time he has lost about 7 stone and is a shadow of himself. It’s like I’ve lost a huge part of him already. The bubbly personality is gone and he is mostly quiet, tired and exhausted. We don’t talk about the future, that seems to be what works for us. We don’t really know what the future holds but prognosis for him is not good but we’ve never yet asked for a timeline. 

So I know exactly how you feel. We haven’t been directed to the hospice as yet but he is going on palliative care from the hospital. I just constantly ask him how he’s feeling to make sure he doesn’t have pain. I try to make sure he drinks and eats and keep an eye on him resting in the day while I’m working full time at home with a busy job. I do everything in the house now and juggle as many balls as I can. 
Some days the feeling of panic and despair at what is still to come is overwhelming and I can’t bear the thought of my future without him, but as you said my priority right now is my husband and his needs. The time will come for mine. We are fortunate to have two weeks away soon in a cottage where we can just be together.

He is 51 and I’m 46. It really is awful. My thoughts are with you and your husband xx